


The Only Exception

by yahlreh



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Aged-Up Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Alluka is best girl, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Assassin Killua Zoldyck, Bi Killua Zoldyck, Bottom Gon Freecs, Boys In Love, Brotherly Love, College, Crying Killua Zoldyck, Dating, Denial of Feelings, Developing Relationship, Didn't Know They Were Dating, Dom/sub, Dominant Killua Zoldyck, Dorks in Love, Embarrassed Killua Zoldyck, Face-Fucking, Falling In Love, Feelings Realization, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Smut, Friends With Benefits, Friendship/Love, Fuckbuddies, Fucked Up, Fucking, Gay Gon Freecs, Gay Sex, Idiots in Love, Killua is in a band, Kinky, Love Confessions, Love at First Sight, M/M, Mentioned Illumi Zoldyck, Minor Kurapika/Leorio Paladiknight, Oral Sex, POV Killua Zoldyck, Porn with Feelings, Praise Kink, Pre-Relationship, Protective Killua Zoldyck, Public Sex, Roommates, Rough Oral Sex, Rough Sex, Sex Toys, Sex Toys Under Clothing, Shower Sex, Slow Burn, Smut, Switch Gon Freecss, Switch Killua Zoldyck, Switching, Top Killua Zoldyck, Tsundere Killua Zoldyck, Vibrators, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, Yorkshin City | Yorknew City (Hunter X Hunter), slow burn but not really
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:08:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 52,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28432923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yahlreh/pseuds/yahlreh
Summary: Sex. That's all Killua wants. Afterall, love doesn't exist in his mind, but that all comes to a close as soon as he meets his new roommate - Gon Freecs. Upon meeting the happy, go-lucky boy, Killua can't help but want to indulge on him, but it never seems to be enough as he allows his heart to get in the way.Warning: This story is heavily laced with mature themes and sexual content. Read at your own pace.Spotify Playlist:  https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7g4EuDtd1xAvvu7mXnzz9H?si=78f0fb13b62c4d5dPlease don't post to other site.
Relationships: Alluka Zoldyck & Killua Zoldyck, Alluka Zoldyck/Zushi, Gon Freecs & Alluka Zoldyck & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs & Kurapika & Leorio Paladiknight & Alluka Zoldyck & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs & Kurapika & Leorio Paladiknight & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs & Leorio Paladiknight, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Ikalgo & Killua Zoldyck, Komugi & Meruem (Hunter X Hunter), Komugi/Meruem, Kurapika & Killua Zoldyck, Kurapika/Leorio Paladiknight, Retz & Alluka Zoldyck
Comments: 126
Kudos: 334





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where they meet.

“Oh fuck!” Pink locks of hair scattered across the pillow that laid beneath her head as panting and mumbled curses flew across the steamed out breaths of air between us in desperation. “Harder! God Killu-!”

I peered my eyes open to see the fucked out expression that was soon paired with moans as she couldn’t bring herself to properly say anything aside from my name like a mantra. “Fuck, Machi you feel so good.”

A whine immediately buckled in her throat at my words of praise. I found my hands making their way to firmly tug her head back by her hair so that I could get more access to her neck. The heated skin beneath my lips made my head go hazy as I planted small hickies along her collarbone and up her neck. Everything about her had me stuck.

All the way from how her skin felt beneath my fingertips, to the way her voice sounded when she screamed my name, and to the tightness of her insides that currently wrapped around my dick. All of it sent my head spinning as I muttered dirty words into her ear that I knew I’d be embarrassed by the moment this was over.

Here’s the thing though, aside from all of the steamed out fucking and the way she looks sprawled out on the sheets completely undone, I can’t seem to chase the feeling that something is missing - and that goes for all the girls and guys that have laid beneath me with the same ecstasy filled expression. It’s not fulfilling enough, but it’ll do. It’s not like love really exists anyway, but for right now, for these last couple minutes, I want to pretend it does.

I want to pretend that feeling exists, while I feel her walls tighten around me like I’m the only one in the world that she wants. The legs that are wrapped around my waist as she pulls me in deeper, are going to be the same that I wake up entangled in in the morning as I plant a kiss on her forehead. The same hands that are clawing red marks between my shoulder blades, are going to be the ones that I hold in my own for the rest of my life.

I lie and tell myself these things, because right now, it’s the only thing I can look forward to.

Yeah yeah yeah, I get it… you’re probably thinking to yourself: “Killua you’re being ridiculous, love exists. You just haven't found the right person.” or “Love is more than just sex.”

The truth is, love is shitty and gross and a complete waste of time. I’ve learned that the hard way. Between observations from my own parents and siblings to the shitty relationships I saw in highschool, I have discovered that “true love” really doesn’t hold any value.

Instead of a relationship, I currently find my head dived in between Machi’s thighs, using my tongue to lap up the cum from her insides, and hungrily kissing her with as much emotion as I can muster. Our tongues swirled together in unison as we both tasted ourselves in each other's mouths.

God I love sex… after everything, it’s the only thing that keeps me feeling human anymore.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

The misty night air immediately woke me up as I walked into the dead of night. With my keys spinning circles around my pointer finger and a pep in my step, I pull out my phone to call my, oh so precious, sister. The ringing barely came through twice before she immediately picked up.

“Brother...”

I hastily swallowed the lump in my throat as I knew what was coming. “Heyyyy Alluka! I was just calling to tell you I’m on my way back to the dorms. No need to worry or anything…”

I let my voice trail off at the end as I heard silence from the other end. It was almost agonizing, but I should’ve better prepared myself.

“Yeah, sure. Cut the crap brother. Where have you been? And what have you been doing?”

“I already told you. I was practicing with the band tonight. We just ran a late practice since we have a show coming up.” God this is such a bad lie - well, partial lie. We do have a show coming up, but she doesn’t have to know we cut practice short.

“Yeah okay. That’s why my friend told me she saw you walking out of Machi’s dorm room looking like a trainwreck.”

“Are you having people spy on me? What the fuck Alluka?!”

“Oh shut the hell up! You know that you can’t keep doing this kind of shit anymore! What’s gonna happen when this one's birth control fails and she gets pregnant!”

“Hey watch your language missy!”

“Brother... I don’t give a flying fuck about my language right now! How about you focus more on getting your shit together! What was the point of running away if your just gonna fuck yourself over even more!” I let out a shaky breath as a long pause rung between us at the brief mention of the past. “Listen, I’m sorry, but I just care about you. Stop screwing around with people and focus on school, the band, and potentially an actual relationship. Knowing you, you’d easily find someone that’s one hundred percent down for you in no time. I don’t want to watch you be stuck in this cycle of sleeping with people who don’t actually value you for who you are.”

_Yeah, like that could happen. It’s not like someone’s gonna just pop into my life loving me._

I shook my head as I put my hand up to my eyes and lightly chuckled under my breath. A random burst of pride burst in my chest at the thought of having someone this caring as my little sister. “You know Alluka… I don’t know what I’d do without you. I’ll be fine the way things are, but no screwing with a bunch of people anymore. Promise.”

“Okay you better.” I could hear her smile through the phone at my compliance. “Now get back to your room and get to bed. It’s getting kinda late.”

“I’m practically already in my room. Relax and just get some sleep yourself.” The walk was pretty short due to all the housing buildings pretty much clumped together. I walked past the doors and pressed the button to get to my floor. “I’ll see you tomorrow. You still wanted to walk around a bit and see where all your classes are right?”

“Yeah of course! Can we get pancakes in the morning?”

“Whatever you wanna do ‘Luka.” Stepping off the elevator I made my way to the front of my room only to stop in front, light shining from under the door. _What the fuck? I coulda sworn I turned the lights off… eh whatever._

“Yay! I’ll see you at nine am sharp. Goodnight big brother!”

“Yeah yeah, goodnight.”

I stuck the key into the door and opened slowly out of paranoia. Peeking my head inside, I immediately come face to face with the emptiness of the dorm. _Okay I’m just being stupid, no one’s here._

With a small chuckle at my idiocy, I closed the door behind me, shrugged my leather jacket off my shoulders, and the shoes off my feet.

“Hey! My name is Gon Free-”

“EEEAAAKKKK! WHAT THE HELL!” My heart dropped to my stomach and the “manliest” of shrieks escaped my mouth. I took a second to place a hand over my chest and held up a finger telling him to hold on as my racing heart pounded inside my rib cage.

After a slight breather, I observed the other person in the room and felt like I had just laid my eyes on the most beautiful being in the world. He had a somewhat muscular stature, honey toned skin, caramel eyes, and a head of black hair with a tint of green at the tips.

_I would love to top him… NO! Horny Killua needs to go away!_

My heart started to wreak havoc in my chest for an entirely different reason as a subtle blush formed on my pale cheeks, and I played with my black nose ring out of nervousness. With the clear of my throat, I introduce myself with a tired tone as it is currently almost one in the morning. “Sorry, you just startled me. My name’s Killua. I wasn’t expecting a roommate to come so soon since classes don’t start for another week.”

“Ah I see, that makes sense. Sorry to startle you! My name is Gon Freecss!” The shorter male had an upbeat tone that was refreshing and the only other person I know like that is Alluka. He proffered a hand in my direction and I shook it with a bit of uncertainty. People actually shake hands nowadays?

“It’s no problem Gon.” I couldn’t help but find a smile forming on my face, even if it’s small. The sparks that ran through my fingertips sent my stomach into a whirl. Not knowing how to decipher the feeling, I lightly jolted my hand away and placed it on the back of my neck as a habit of nervousness. “Anyway, it’s pretty late, so I’ll talk to you more in the morning. I’ve had a long night.”

“Alright, I’ll see you in the morning then.” I watched as Gon turned on his heel in the opposite direction as he had taken the room to the right.

_His personality is definitely something else. I’m actually intrigued to see how the rest of the year goes._

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

With a subtle jolt, I rub at my eyes as the alarm intensely starts to blare right by my ear as I begin to question my life choices. _Why’d I have to pick the most annoying alarm sound possible?_

I harshly slammed my finger down on the button to make it stop with my eyes closed and it refused to stop making noise. Annoyance started to bubble in my chest before I grumbled and cursed to myself starting to get out of bed. It’s too fucking early for this shit.

Alluka can fucking wait, I’m laying my pretty ass down and sleeping for another god damn hour.

Guilt started to fill my head as I remembered how excited she was to officially start her college journey. _Meh, I have a week to show her around…_

…

…

…

_Jesus fucking Christ, fine, whatever! Alluka better not give me any shit or I’ll lose mine._

With the picture of her smiling and excited face, I slugged out of bed with a sigh of defeat deciding to be a good big brother. You see, Alluka is now a freshman in college whereas I’m now a junior. It’s technically my responsibility as her older brother to show her around and help her out. Leaving Alluka to figure it out herself would be harsh due to the fact that she could be an airhead at times.

I walk out of my room to get a drink of water and clear my head. _This is gonna be a long day, I can feel it…_

I shake my phone lightly to see the lock screen light up stating the time.

8:30

_I can work with that…_

_HOLY SHIT NO I CAN’T! She’s gonna kill me if I’m late!_

Fun fact about Alluka: she goes by the saying - “If you’re not early, you’re late” - and when you’re late… oh boy…

I spit the water in my mouth into the sink - no time to swallow - and dart to my room to get a change of clothes to bring into the bathroom and shower and change. With feet slamming on the floor and jaded movements hurling toward the bathroom, I find myself making a harsh impact with another body.

Oh yeah, Gon… a roommate… forgot I had one of those.

“Owww fuck my head.” I let out a groan as I felt my head throbbing from the impact, but then soon shifted my focus to the male currently under me. I watch as he slowly brings a hand to the back of his head and rubs only to subtly wince. I manage to whisper a ‘sorry’ somewhere in the moment as he kindly brushes it off. _Beautiful_. “I was just in a rush and wasn’t paying attention. Do you want me to help you with anything?”

A soft smile just forms on his face as he wears a deadpan expression. “It’s really not a big deal Killua.”

_Woah, just woah - I never thought my name would sound so good coming out of someone else's mouth. I’d take this over Machi’s moans any day. Okay, wait, no getting horny now Killua… think of grandpa think of grandpa…_

“Anyway, why are you in such a rush anyways? It’s like eight in the morning on a Monday and school hasn’t even started yet.” His eyes peered at me in curiosity as I found myself getting lost in them again. I quickly shake my head to get the sudden rush of thoughts out of my head.

“Well you see, I’m hanging out with my sister today and showing her around campus. She’s a freshman this year, so I’m kinda obligated to show her around, you know?” Gon nods his head in understanding. “You should come with us. Only if you want to of course! I just thought it’d be a good way to get to know each other.”

The excited expression that formed on his face had me instantly entranced. “I’d love to go with you guys! You seem so cool Killua. I bet getting to know you will be nothing short of that - same with your sister.”

“Oh shut up!” An instant blush came running to my face and I instantly took cover behind the palms of my hands. “Don’t say embarrassing shit like that... “

Silence… and then a sudden burst of laughter that caused me to flinch.

Spreading my fingers open to look through, I find Gon rolling onto his back from his sitting position on the floor in a fit of laughter. No matter how early it was in the morning, I couldn’t help myself from looking at all his features as he was a mess on the floor. As soon as I realized what I was doing, I retracted my eyes and blushed even harder than before.

_Feelings will pass, feelings will pass, feelings will pass… I don’t even know him yet either, so I need to calm down. He could have like… toe fungus or something for all I know._

Out of curiosity, I narrow my eyes to look back and see his feet are perfectly normal. _Okay, well maybe he has like some sort of other issue… like daddy issues or some shit… well wait don’t we all. Why the fuck am I searching for flaws right now?_

As the laughter slowly subsides, Gon looks directly into my eyes and strongly points at my nose - causing me to go cross eyed for a moment before he dropped it. “You’re just too cute, you know that? You like turned into a strawberry!”

_Huh?!_

Before I knew it, he was a mess of giggles on the floor again. Without knowing what to say, I got up and rushed into the bathroom refusing to look at him right now. “Just be ready in fifteen minutes.”

Slamming the door shut, I let out the breath I was holding and stepped into the shower.

_He’s too blunt for his own good…_


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where they get pancakes.

“Come on, if your sister is as scary as you say she is, then I don’t wanna be late.”

Gon grabbed me by the arm and dragged me around campus as we made our way to Alluka. “Do you even know where we’re going?”

The question seemed to rattle the boy as he looked back at me with a blank expression. “Well… you never told me, so I kinda just guessed since you didn’t complain.”

“Yeah, we passed it like five minutes ago.” A light chuckle escaped my mouth as his face flushed ever so slightly. “Come on it’s this way.”

He didn’t say anything to reply, but I could feel his eyes glaring at my back as I walked ahead of him with my hands in both my pockets. The skin around my wrist was set aflame as soon as he touched me. I didn’t like it, it made me feel sick. It made the butterflies in my stomach go haywire, I’d rather they just digest so I can move on with my life. There’s no room for such shit.

Even if I were to get a relationship like Alluka said, I wouldn’t exactly have enough time for it. I have a band to pay for school, school itself, and the rest of my time goes to sleep and Alluka. There’s no room to make time for anyone else. 

Eventually, we make it to the dorm building and head to the elevators. Words between the two of us were almost nonexistent on the way up, and it felt somewhat tense. All I could do was ignore it, we aren’t exactly friends, just two people stuck seeing each other daily for a year. 

I knock on the door and don’t expect a reply for a while since it’s Alluka, so I relax and lean my back on the opposing wall with a sigh and shut eyes. 

“So Killua,” I internally groan at the interrupted silence, I’m tired as fuck, and the last thing I wanna be is awake right now. “I was wondering what major you’re in. You strike me as something either artsy or business-y.”

I offer him a scoff in return at the assumption. “What makes you say that?”

A nervous gulp runs down my throat as he looks at me up and down with clear concentration. “I don’t really know what exactly it is, but your style reminds me of a cross between a bad rocker boy and a hippie.”

“How can those two styles even cross?” I can’t help but let a soft smile rest on my face. His own is intoxicating and just looking at him has my head spinning. 

“I have no clue, but you manage to make it look good.” 

Ignoring the comment as I feel my face glow, I let out a nervous cough and rub my cheeks in my hands. 

“I’m actually in Music Production, so you’re not too far off. If I were to guess yours… I’d say something techy or sciency. You look like you eat Cheetos in the basement and play video games and work on computers all night, while outside all day.” 

Gon let’s put an offended gasp with a mock hand over his chest. “Damn Killua, that hurted, but you are exactly right. I’m in Video Game Programming.” 

“Well you sure look the part…” I offered a teasing smirk and looked down at his fit of basketball shorts and a York New University hoodie. _Totally a trash fuck boy in high school…_

I chuckled at the thought and before Gon could question me, the door swung open to a fuming, stupid looking Alluka glaring daggers into my eyes. 

“You sir,” she reached out to jab my nose with her pointer finger, “your ass is in big trouble.” 

“Oh no, not my precious ass.” I shivered at her tone, but played it off with an abrupt offensive laugh directed at her scrunched face. “Don’t even try ‘Luka. You couldn’t be scarier than a bottle of toothpaste even if you wanted to.” 

“Take that back you buttface!” She immediately got in a defensive stance and jumped onto my torso as I attempted to stand my ground. “You’re the one that’s been an ass these past couple days!” 

She started to pull at my hair and lightly hit my chest, nothing hard enough to actually hurt. “Yeah well maybe I haven’t visited you because you smell so bad. Geez did you even try to take a shower?”

Alluka’s nose scrunched in disgust as she peered up at me with distasteful eyes. “Excuse me, but for your information I smell like lilac flowers. Not that I can say you smell any better.” 

“Well for your information, I smell like vanilla, so fuck off twerp.” I stuck up my middle finger in her direction as she was about to pounce on me again, but a scuffled laughter came from my right. We both looked at the source in confusion, I had completely forgotten that Gon was with me for a brief moment.

My face instantly reddened at both the embarrassment and the fluttery feeling in my chest at the sight of him. In a swift motion, Alluka nudged my side with her elbow and gave me a suggested eyebrow raise before introducing herself.

“Hey! I’m Alluka, Killua’s sister, but I’m assuming you already knew that.” She offered him a bright smile, one that returned with the same amount of luster as she had. _They’re both too bright this early in the morning._ “You must be Mr. Gon, right? Here’s my contact info. If Killua’s ever being annoying, then just text me and I’ll get rid of him for you.” 

Gon let out more giggles at her actions as she handed him her phone and took his in return. _One of these days, imma kill her._

“Alright alright, no need to diss me right in front of my new roommate. I barely even know him yet, so let’s go and get this over with so we can leave your ass.” I laugh to myself as she starts to get defensive and whacks my arm a few times at my wording and rudeness. 

We all walked past the main buildings that she’d be studying and taking classes in. Ultimately, Alluka wants to go into Psychology, but for now and next year she needs to take her prerequisite classes. She tucked in her long black hair, the complete contrast to mine, behind her ear as she showed me what classes she was taking for the upcoming semester.

I got to learn more about Gon too as we talked about why he wanted to go into video game designing. Apparently his father had a strong passion for video games, but died before he could finish the virtual reality one he was working on creating. Freecss wants to finish it the way his father intended after he had the appropriate knowledge and experience. 

It’s pretty admirable… more than mine at least. 

I’ve never really had a sense of direction when it came to the future since a certain path has always been forced onto me, but music was something that had always been a passion of mine since it was a good way to vent my pent up emotions. I had a feeling I’d enjoy something in that field easily.

We made it through all of her classes and soon started to aimlessly walk around campus. It was honestly pretty relaxing, just me, Alluka, and Gon. Being able to relax around people I’m comfortable with was always surprising since it’s something I’m not entirely used to, but good nonetheless.

_Maybe, just maybe, I could get used to this…_

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

“Big brother, can Gon and I go to watch you play? Pleeeaaaassssseeeee?” She made sure to widen her eyes and put on the best pout she could muster - something I could never say no to. I instantly looked ahead and ignored her.

“No way.” I deadpanned.

“But why not?! I wanna hear you sing! You never sing for me! This isn’t fair, you’re so mean to me!” She started to throw a mini tantrum that I simply walked passed and continued to ignore her. 

Currently, we’re on our way to some breakfast place that Alluka picked out since we realized we all haven’t eaten. Along the way, we somehow came across the conversation about my show the band has on Saturday. It’s at a local bar that’s close to the university called Shrunken Head. One of Ikalgo’s buddies has a friend that works there, so it was easy to get bookings for us.

We started out as a small band in freshman year that barely anyone knew, but as time went on, we were regulars and many people came around to see our showing. We all made pretty decent easy money from it, so it encouraged us to keep performing there. 

With that said, there’s also an obvious reason I didn’t want Alluka going. “‘Luka, it’s at a large, open bar, where there’s a ton of immature college students and possibly some creepy older guys. You’re an impressionable, younger, decent looking, I guess, female. No way.”

“But if Gon’s with me then I should be okay!” She shrieked and clung onto my arm, attempting to slow me down. 

“I mean, I understand why you don’t want her going, but I’ll closely look after her no matter what. Promise.” I instantly stood my ground and glared in Gon’s direction. I gave him my coldest gaze, instantly challenging him and his word. After a minute or two of unwavering eye contact with the caramel looking shits, I gave in. Kinda.

I pressed my thumb and pointer finger to my eyes and rubbed in a stressed out manner.

_If something happens to her…_

“I’ll think about it.”

_… I’ll be lost all over again._

I couldn’t help but let a worried expression fall onto my face. I care about her more than life itself, and if she got hurt or kidnapped or even rap-

“Hey, it’s going to be okay.” An abrupt hand landed on my shoulder shaking me out of my thoughts. Looking to the side I saw Gon with a comforting smile spread across his face. It instantly settled my heart at ease as I got lost in millions of different shades of brown. _So fucking beautiful…_ “I can see how much you love her, so don’t worry. I’ll watch over her the whole time and make sure she’s clung to my side, promise.”

I watch as Alluka mindlessly wanders ahead toward the restaurant, almost falling in the process, but immediately catches herself. A heartfelt smile crossed my face, but the worry in my eyes held firmly onto my expression. “Are you sure?”

The softness of my tone must’ve startled him as his eyes widened in surprise. With his reaction in mind, I made sure to put on a smiling face to hide my worry. _I’m not going soft._ “She’s such a dunce that it hurts sometimes, so you better keep your eye on her if I do say yes.” 

I walked past him with a subtle smile, knowing that I can somewhat trust someone for now. “Alrighty then Killua! Now let’s go get some hecking pancakes!”

With his arm hooked around mine, he ran us both to get ahead of Alluka, and she, in return, raced us to the storefront. “PANCAKES! BROTHER GET ME ALL THE PANCAKES IN THE PLACE!”

“No bossing me around or you get none. I’ll make you watch Gon and I stuff our faces, while you sit there.” A challenging smirk planted on my face as she let out a whine. With words of protest she smacked me on the back of my head and complained.

“You’re so mean to me, when will you learn to be nice.” She pouted and then turned to Gon with a finger pointed in his direction. “Gon, go make him be nice to me.”

“I don’t think anyone can make him do anything he doesn’t want to Alluka, sorry.” With a sheepish rub on the back of his neck, he giggled softly and it set both of us at ease. 

“Let’s just get you food so you can be quiet.”

“That’s the spirit!”

Eventually, we got settled down with a hostess that took our drink orders before we looked at the menu. A comfortable silence flowed between us as we looked at the options until Alluka made a startling statement. 

“She was totally checking you out.” Gon and I both turned to look at her as she looked directly at me from across the table. “What’s with that face? People are always checking you out. It’s my job to make sure that you’re with the right person, and just from the looks of it I don’t approve. Just in case you were thinking of doing any funny business with her mister.”

_Oh my fucking…_

“Alluka, how could you say that?!” My face was set ablaze as they both chuckled at my reaction paired with Gon’s blushing face at her word choice. “It’s not funny! I wasn’t even looking at her enough to pay attention to what she looks like. On top of it, we talked about this, no more funny business.”

“Funny business?” Gon switched his gaze back and forward between us from my side, while Alluka’s face settled into a smirk. 

“Ohhhh yes, brother’s infamous ‘funny business’.” She gave him a suggestive eyebrow wiggle as I reached across the table to put a hand over her mouth. Ultimately, she got the better of me and licked my hand.

My eyebrows scrunched in disgust as I rubbed her saliva on her shoulder. “You see here, brother’s someone that you could call a manwhore.” 

_Oh my God… if you’re out there… please replace my sister's personality. That’s all I ask._

I buried my head of silver into my arms as I refused to let either of them get the satisfaction of seeing my burning face. 

“Oh?” Gon’s questionable tone was paired with an intense gaze to the back on my head that I immediately felt. “Why do you say that?”

_Does this dude not know what that means? The hell?!_

“Oh, nothing much. He’s just such a big hotshot, that over half the school's population throws themselves at him.” I looked up to see her palm in front of her face as she was staring at her nails. “As the word implies, he gladly accepts a nice chunk of all the girls and guys. How do you not know this? Aren't you both in the same grade?”

“Well yeah, but I don’t pay attention to everyone’s sex lives!” 

I manage to uncover my burning face from my arms and instead cover my nose and mouth with my hands together in front of my face. I painfully move my eyes toward Freecss and face his burning expression from second hand embarrassment. “Alluka, please be a good sister and stop talking. I’m over that shit anyways.” 

“Yeah, okay, sure.” She gives me a deadpanned tone with an unbelieving face. 

“What?”

“I just expect some slip ups. After all, you’ve been like this since freshman year.” 

“Hey! Baby steps are still steps!” 

“Yeah, okay Mr. Hotshot. Let’s start with not doing Machi every night. We both know you going cold turkey from anything isn’t an option.” 

“You know what? I’ll do you an even better step. One person. That’s it.” 

“You’ve gotta be kidding me.” 

“No shit. Honest. On god.” I gave her a challenging smirk as she returned the look in her eyes.

“I can do you one even better.” I gave her a ‘try me’ look as she cocked a brow. “It has to be a guy.”

“Bet, I like both, so that’s not much of a challenge.” I said nonchalant and leaned back into the booth with a cocky smirk and my hands behind my head.

“It’s not for the purpose of a challenge, it’s so I don’t have the responsibility of being an aunt this early. No more Machi, she’s toxic and not good for you whether it be sex or drugs.” After Alluka made her statement, my gaze softened. 

She really is the best sister I could ever ask for.

My trail of thought got interrupted by Gon clearing his throat. We both looked over at him as his face was painted red on his tanned skin. _Cute._ “Do you two normally place bets on each other’s sex lives, or is this a one time thing?”

We both looked at each other and then laughed as his face reddened even more. 

“Don’t worry, I won’t fuck anyone in our dorm.” I said with a teasing smirk. Watching his face glow as he got more flustered was pretty amusing to watch if I were to be honest with myself. “I’m joking I’m joking, well I’m not joking. I won’t do that stuff in the dorm. I’m honestly gonna try to cold turkey it for a while. I need to get over myself.”

“That’s exactly right Mr. Ego!” Alluka said with a large gleam on her face. 

“Oh shut up and order your pancakes!” I barked out as I saw the same waitress heading our way. 

I glance over at Gon as he goes over the menu some more with his still reddened face. Part of me is glad that we got that discussion out of the way, even if it was handled brashly, but the other part of me is just praying that Gon doesn’t think any less of me.

I mean it’s just sex. Nothing more than a physical activity like doing sports, playing music, dancing… it’s all just different activities to me. I enjoy all those things and sex is just one of them. _It’s not a big deal, right?_

Others might have a bigger meaning or feeling to it, but to me it’s just a natural thing people do. Is that wrong?

Before I have more time to ponder on it, our drinks are passed around and eventually our food. 

The unlimited pancake special that we all got had us sitting at the restaurant for longer than normal. I faced off Gon in a pancake competition as to who could eat the most in five minutes. I managed to eat fourteen at best, but this guys a beast holy shit. He managed to stuff twenty three down his throat before I even got to my limit. 

“So, how does it feel to lose?” Gon asked, more like stated, as we walked back from Alluka’s dorm room. 

With an eye roll, I simply bumped into his side as we walked. “I don’t feel like I’m gonna throw up, unlike you.” 

“How’d you know?” He struggled to stifle a laugh, but instantly regretted letting it out. “Ughhh my stomach hurts…” 

I chuckled as he curled in on himself, still walking at my pace. “I’m so full you’re gonna have to roll me to the room.” 

“I ain’t doing shit for you. You did that to yourself, loser.” I smiled down at him as he offered one back, still folded over. With the small amount of pity I felt for him, I tossed his arm over my shoulder. “Bet your fat ass can’t get on my back.” 

The challenge lit a fire in his eyes despite the fatigue. Without any warning, he leaped onto my back and I wobbled back but stood my ground. “Bet you can’t run all the way back to the room with me on your back.” 

With that said, I darted past all of the students that were in our way as we bulldozed our way into the building within five minutes. Along the way, Gon shouted random shit to startle the students that had me gasping for breath more than I already was. 

“The British are coming! The British are coming!”

“FOR SPARTAAAAAA!!!”

“Move it losers, we’re going shopping!”

We eventually made it to the elevator, and with my hands clutching onto his thighs I tapped the button with his foot and we waited. I couldn’t help but laugh at his commentary that repeated in my head.

“What’s funny?” He questioned, resting his head on my shoulder. The soft tone that played by my ear sent a shiver down my spine. 

“Nothing, you’re just a riot.” I found myself chucking again. 

We both laughed together and eventually let the silence consume us as we stepped into the elevator. “You know Killua, I had a lot of fun with you and Alluka. I can see us being good friends.” 

“Oh shut it,” the response was anything but harsh as I found it being paired with fondness and a shy blush, “I had fun with you and I bet Alluka did, too.”

With that we headed to our room, and with Gon still on my back, I reached to what I thought was my back pocket.

“Wrong ass.” Gon laughed and squeezed his arms around me even tighter. 

I chuckled in embarrassment, apologized, and grabbed the key out of my pocket. After unlocking the door, I walked over to the couch and plopped Gon down onto his back. Unfortunately, the arms around my shoulders didn’t unlatch, so I ended up crashing down on him.

I instantly twisted around to try and get up, but his arms were still around my neck. Position wise, this was pretty embarrassing and people would get the wrong idea if they were to see us. I glanced down with him pinned under me and he carried a confident, yet flustered, expression on his face. 

Time seemed to slow as I hovered over him. _I could get lost in this pair of eyes forever_. 

Without another thought, I shifted my focus down to his parted lips. _Oh Gon, I want to kiss you so bad right now._

That thought was soon interrupted by the burst of laughter that came out of both our mouths when we made eye contact. Something about the situation was found hilarious and I was thankful for the interruption. I didn’t wanna do anything I’d regret. I got up and straightened my clothes out and sat down on the couch adjacent to the one Gon was on. 

“Wanna go grocery shopping tomorrow?” The question sparked the realization that we didn’t have any food to cook for now. Hmmm what’ll we do for dinner then? “Killua?” 

“Huh? Oh yeah, we can go grocery shopping tomorrow - I’ll come up with a list of sorts. What do you wanna do later for dinner?” 

“We could just order something quick.” I watched as he slugged into the couch and closed his eyes. “I’m pretty pooped today. I wanna take a nap…” 

A grunt of agreement rose in my throat as I did the same. Without thinking, I let my eyes travel down to where his shirt exposed his stomach. 

_He’s pretty toned, I wonder what the rest of him looks like…_

_Maybe he could be my one person._

Shaking my head to get rid of the thoughts, I got up and turned away from the beautiful being in front of me. “Alright I’m turning in for a bit. I’ll talk to you later.” 

“Okay, see you later. Imma stay here for a minute.”

Every step I took seemed to go in slow motion as I subtly rushed to my room. The boner that pressed against my jeans was starting to become somewhat painful as dirty thoughts of Gon started to run like rapid fire through my head. 

_God fucking damn it…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!
> 
> I decided to post the next chapter even though I was thinking of doing weekly updates. I got really motivated to continue the story, so I hope you all enjoy and that you've had a wonderful day.
> 
> Tootles!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one with the challenge.

_Ahhhh shit… I went too hard again._

_What am I gonna tell Alluka?_

_...I’m getting scolded for sure, if she finds out that is._

My eyes went subtly wide as I looked down at my fingers - cracked and lightly beading blood. It’s nothing notably major, but I should still go out and get a new guitar pick. The one that I had should be somewhere in my dorm room, but knowing me, there’s no guarantee I’d find it until after the show. If Alluka found out I lost it, then my ass is on the line, so let’s just pretend it’s on my desk for now.

“You alright there bud?” Meruem’s voice came up from behind me as he walked over to his drum set - patting my shoulder on his way. I stuffed my hands in my pockets and shrugged my shoulders.

“Yeah my fingers are just a little irritated. I played bare since I left my pick on my desk.” It’s really not a big deal, it’ll heal before the show.

“Nothing a little moisturizer can’t handle.” Ikalgo’s voice boomed from beside me as I turned to see him wearing a bright smile.

“What the hell is moisturizer gonna do?” Meruem asked with a smile and slight chuckle - no hostility in his tone. “What he needs is Neosporin. Just put some of that shit on and slap a Band-Aid on it. Bam! All healed by tomorrow.”

“Well… my suggestion still made sense… gotta get them soft hands.” Ikalgo tipped his head up high with a fake pout and turned away as he unlatched his guitar case.

Eventually, we had all packed up our instruments and headed out of the garage unit that we were free to use next to the bar. The owner of the bar used it for storage, but it was pretty much bare so there was enough room to practice there. He ended up letting us turn it into a makeshift hangout of sorts.

The night air of the city felt refreshing compared to the indoor garage as it blew my air out of my face. The swift breeze made the temperature contrast extremely apparent as the cooler air rushed past my heated skin and ruffled clothing. There’s nothing quite like the city. It’s filled with concrete structures and assholes for miles on end, and I’m happy to be one of them. My kind of people. I lifted my arms to rest behind my head as Ikalgo and I walked side by side; Meruem had stayed in the bar to talk to the manager about the show in two days.

The three of us made quite the band: Mereum’s on drums, Ikalgo’s on the bass guitar, and I’m on electric and vocals.

We all found each other freshman year and became a friend group along with some others - eventually leading to a band as all three of us wanted to be part of one. Out of everyone, though, Ikalgo happens to be the closest. He knows me inside out, not that it was voluntary. We both just happened to get drunk after a show one night and we both uncovered all of each other's baggage. Overall, he’s a pretty cool guy to have by my side and I could easily put him on my list of comfortable people.

“So, you mentioned you have a roommate earlier. How’s that going for ya?” Iklago’s curiosity startled me out of my trance and I peered up at him.

“His name’s Gon and he’s actually not that bad.” The thought of the sun kissed boy brought an instant glow to my pale cheeks.

Fuck genetics.

Unfortunately, there wasn’t much darkness to hide my rosy cheeks as the lights from the city left no room for it. Ikalgo instantly pointed them out and started to tease me about it, making me mildly uncomfortable.

“Oh? What’s this?” The auburn haired idiot dramatically stopped in his tracks with both of his hands gripping my shoulders and holding me in place. “Has the almighty Mr. Zoldyck… found a possible love interest?! This is ground breaking news!”

“Oh shut up, I just think he’s decent looking. Nothing more, nothing less.” I tilted my head up to the stars and stared intently at them, attempting to shift focus and rid my blush.

“Mhmmm… if you say so.” Ikalgo instantly let go, dropped it, and we continued on our way. He knows I’m not one for talking about feelings. Regardless, he suggestively bumped into my shoulder, hinting that he wanted to continue talking about it. Repeatedly. Over and over.

I felt a pulsing vein start to pop out in irritation as he wouldn’t drop the subject. “Oh my fucking god! Fine, let’s go sit down and braid each other’s hair while we gossip about all the hot girls and guys in our fucking grade while we’re at it!”

Ikalgo simply let out a chuckle at the outburst and slugged his arm over my shoulders. “Ohhhh Killua, Killua, Killua… I’ve never seen you get this worked up over one measly human before. You must really like him. Maybe you can bring him to hang out with us in the garage or something one day.”

“Go shit yourself. I’m just annoyed because you won’t drop it.” I subconsciously let my head hang a bit lower and I tucked my hands into my hoodie pocket. “It’s not like anything would come of it. I’m too busy for that shit, and even if I wasn’t, you know I’m not one for relationships.”

The other let out a sigh at my mentality as he ran his fingers through his fuckboy haircut. “You know… I might be overstepping the line here by saying this, but not everyone is like your parents. In fact, I’m pretty sure no one is like your parents.”

I let out a chuckle at the obvious statement, but finished with a solemn sigh. I don’t know what love is, and I don’t want to find out. I’d rather just literally fuck my emotions out. “I don’t think you get it. I don’t want to feel attached to someone like that. It’ll just get in the way of everything also, so it’s not worth my time.”

_Lies. That’s a deadass lie and you know it Killua._

_You just don’t want to be hurt again, because you're scared - not just of love, or the person you’d be when letting love in, but of a person who’d dare to understand you._

Ikalgo’s dorm was in another building on the other side of campus, so as soon as the statement left my mouth I paced quicker to get ahead. “I’ll see you tomorrow or whatever.”

_Just admit it._

_You don’t want to be seen._

My steps felt heavy with every step I took on my way back to the room due to my own thoughts weighing me down. Am I really just scared? I have no clue, I just know it’s something I want that’s unobtainable. Someone like me isn’t meant to feel love or be loved. Not with the way I’ve been raised. I’m surprised Ikalgo even agreed to be friends with me knowing a chunk of my background. My childhood wasn’t pretty like most people’s and burdening someone else with my troubles doesn’t seem like a smart move. I need to have a sense of control, or I’ll spiral. Isn’t love exactly that: an emotional loss of control?

_It’s pathetic that you’d even consider love. You really think someone could love someone like you? Baka…_

_Shut up imaginary Illumi._

_I have to protect Alluka and her future. There’s no room for anything else._

Honestly, I’d rather be in my secret spot in the city instead of returning to the dorm room, but I know that if I was out longer than I said, I think Gon would worry. I let an exhausted sigh pass my lips as I opened the door to see Gon waiting for me on his phone. As soon as the door shut behind me, he leaped up from the couch and ran up to hug me. “Welcome back!”

“You’re certainly full of energy.” For some reason, the welcoming forced a small smile on my face that I was trying my hardest to swallow down. The feeling of his arms wrapped around my torso caused me to tense up, but I quickly eased into it and awkwardly hugged him back with one arm while the other was still on the door handle. “Something good happen?”

“Yes actually! My friend Kurapika and his boyfriend moved in today, so I helped them out with unpacking. Then, we got ice cream and I got to know Leorio better and now we’re friends.” Gon splat out the words with an excited beam in his eyes, barely bothering to breathe in between words, as he told me about his day. God, he’s so adorable. “Oh you should meet them, too. I have a feeling you’d get along and then we could all hang out together.”

“I’m down. I just got band practice tomorrow and Friday, so maybe you can bring them to the show on Saturday.” _More people to watch over Alluka._ I went over to the fridge and pulled out a water bottle that was supplied the day before.

Grocery shopping was pretty uneventful, aside from Gon throwing things that we didn’t need into the cart. He made me feel like a mom with the amount of times I had to tell him to put something back with his whine of protest.

“Oh! That sounds perfect, I’ll text them.” I gulped down a mouthful of water and looked over at him to find him staring.

“What? I’m thirsty.”

I subconsciously pulled on my clothes - worried that the hours of fucking with my guitar made me look like shit. Something about playing made me allow myself to get completely lost and undone. You know, because of those little shitty emotions running wild and everything. It wasn’t exactly a pretty sight afterwards.

“Hm?! Oh nothing!” His voice piped up before he faced down to look at his phone with a subtle blush.

_Oh? Does Gon like me or some shit? I mean, a lot of people like me because of my looks. I don’t exactly consider myself good looking, but I know other people do._

_It’s just that, nothing more… the usual._

The thought still managed to fill me with pride though. Knowing that he might find me attractive was one way to boost my ego, especially since it’s him. I just met him, but I find myself seeking out his opinion of me more and more by the second. Not like I’ll act on these annoying feelings, but it’s still nice to feel desired.

“I’m gonna go shower and change to something more comfortable.” I looked down at my slightly sweaty self and the body odor that’s embedded into my clothes. _Ew._ “You just look for something to watch. I’ll be quick.”

Yesterday, Gon proposed the idea of having movie nights. I was a little more than surprised that he wanted to spend more time with me, but agreed nonetheless. Hanging out with him has always been fun so far. Obviously, when school starts we can’t have them too often, but he’s pretty hellbent on getting to know me better.

I quickly grab a pair of dark gray sweatpants, a royal blue tank top (I decided to be brave), and boxers before heading into the bathroom to shower. Stripping off my clothes, I take a glance at the mirror and instantly regret it as I thought of the inner dialogue Ikalgo’s prodding surfaced. Yeah, this body wasn’t exactly made for loving.

Every clean cut, jagged line, burn, scratch… it all showed on my porcelain skin - being pale made the scars a bit less noticeable, but they were still painfully obvious.

_They aren’t with the lights off when you fuck people senseless._

_Well damn… okay Killua._

A small smirk twitched the corner of my lips up from the mini remark I made to myself for a slight ego boost. The most light that came through the room was from Machi’s LED lights that managed to somehow set a seductive mood. Everyone else was in the dark.

I managed to cover most of them with tattoos over the years, moreso on my arms. Black roses danced across my shoulders and around my collarbone, leading down my chest. Some music notes scattered down by my v-line in order to cover up some burn scars. My arms bore various sizes of different designs, and I even shared some with Alluka. We both got three sibling tattoos: one on the wrist, another along the rib cage, and another behind the ear. All were subtle, simple, and small. She proposed the idea actually, and since then I’ve liked the idea of body modifications. Aside from tattoos, I got my nose and my ears pierced - the ears being a few times. Nothing too extreme; they made me feel a bit more confident, but not completely.

For the most part, I wear clothes that cover a majority of everything. Mainly year-round colder weather clothing. It went with my style and who I am, so it’s never been questioned. Alluka’s the only one who knows enough to ask.

Before I could dwell anymore on them, I tore my eyes away from the mirror and head into the shower. I made sure to make it quick, even if I spared a few minutes to stand under the boiling water for at least five minutes doing nothing.

Throwing the tank top over my head and my boxers and sweatpants around my waist, I made my way into the living room with my hands stuffed in my pockets. I kept the towel around my neck to avoid any water from dripping onto my clothes and noticed that Gon had also changed. He made wearing a t-shirt and sweatpants look like a modeling job. I almost expected a paparazzi to pop up out of nowhere and start flashing cameras for photos of the hunk of handsomeness in front of me.

He immediately tossed a boyish smirk in my direction, which made me melt, until I watched his eyes scan me up and down. I was nervous as hell, I literally felt my heart shake, but nothing could prepare me for the look of admiration in his eyes. I gulped as he focused on the black ink and scars that laid underneath - only somewhat hidden. _Oh holy hell… I’m too pent up for this._

I pretended to yawn and covered my face with my arm to hide my obviously flaming face. I am not okay. I am not okay. I am not okay. But it’s okay. Because it’s Gon.

I grabbed one of the throw blankets from in the corner and wrapped it around the top of my head and body - looking like a cross of a penguin, worm, and burrito - and then catapulted myself onto the couch right next to him. Ignoring the look in his eyes and taking cover in my blanket, I interrupt the silence with an, unfortunately, flustered tone. “So, did you find something to watch?”

“Oh, um, yeah!” He took a moment to stare into my eyes a little longer before turning his head toward the screen frantically. He shook his head in his hands and looked up again with a subtle blush. _Hmph._ “Are you more in the mood for a movie? Or would you rather start a tv show?”

“Hmmm, how about a movie?”

“Okay, I found a few, but what kind do you feel like watching?”

“I really don’t mind anything. Horror, cheesy rom coms, you name it.”

“Okay tough guy, how about A Silent Voice?” He looked at me with a gleam of challenge in his eyes.

“Oh really?” I peered up at him with a smirk. I really like him. “I can see on your face that there’s something else to it. Bet, what’s the challenge?”

“I’m sure glad you asked Killua! Whoever sheds the first tear loses and owes the other.” He said matter of factly. I watched as he crossed his arms over his chest and looked down at my burrito self.

“What do we owe each other?”

“I don’t know, but we can figure that out later.”

“Sounds like a plan. Get ready to lose.” The smirk on my face grew into an evil one as the tension of challenge grew in the room. While Gon was setting up the movie, I got up to head to the kitchen. “Imma make some popcorn.”

“Make me some!” I looked over my shoulder to see him with a beaming smile. “Please!”

“It’s for us to split, idiot.” I smiled at him with the roll of my eyes and turned back around.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

“Did he really...?”

“Yeah, he just fucking…”

“... that was so…”

“Yeah…”

We both glanced over at each other, tears threatening to spill at the events in the movie. We just finished and the only sound in the room was the quiet ending song and the semi loud sniffling that conjured up from both of our noses. For some reason, turning to look over at him was an extremely bad idea.

As if our whining voices and sniffles weren’t enough, one glance into each other's eyes had both of us bawling our eyes out like a bunch of little brats. “Why’d you have to pick this movie? I hate being emotional!”

Tears involuntarily streamed down my face as he exasperatedly flailed his arms over his eyes to rub his own salty tear tracks away - only to have them immediately replaced with fresh ones. “I don’t know Killuaaaa…. why’d you let me pick it?”

“You made the stupid bet in the first place, now stop being dramatic over a stupid movie.” I said as if I wasn’t being dramatic myself. I quickly wiped under my eyes only to jab myself as Gon came tumbling on top of me. “Hey, what gives?!”

“You liar! You were crying too, don't act like you weren’t!” He lifted himself up on his knees on the couch and pointed his finger accusingly at my face. “In fact, I know that I won the bet! You started crying the second Shouko was standing on the balcony!”

“Are you crazy?! That was all you! You started crying at the beginning when Shoya’s mom found out about his planned suicide!” I shouted back, there was no way I was gonna lose.

“Nope, you’re wrong. No convincing me otherwise.” The little shit tilted his nose up to the ceiling and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

“You’re impossible…” I decided to let him humor himself by saying he won. There’s no winning when he gets stubborn like this. I guess losing is okay… but only this time. “Alright what do you want?”

“Hmmm…” He tapped his pointer finger to his chin in thought before shrugging his shoulders. “I don’t know yet, but when I do I’ll let you know.”

The smile that shone off of his face had me instantly blinded and giving into his compromise. “Yeah yeah whatever, just know by tomorrow. I plan on going out to get a spare guitar pick and you’re coming with me.”

“I’ll come with you, but I don’t want you to get me anything.” I glanced over expecting the bright smile from earlier, but I was surprised to see an evil glint in his eyes - definitely not something that suited him, but lowkey turns me on nonetheless. “I was actually thinking of making you my slave for a day. I’m not sure yet, but it’s an option.”

“Kinky.” I groaned at the thought of having to carry a bunch of shit around for him, but was immediately distracted by the buzz in my pocket from my phone. Slightly startled from not expecting it, I hastily reached into my pocket and saw the dreadful caller ID. Gon looked at me expectantly, probably assuming it’s Alluka, and quirked a questioning eyebrow in my direction. I hesitated over the green button to pick up. The possibility that this wasn’t a call for sex was slim to none - she always got horny during “after practice” hours.

“Hey.” Hopefully, blandness will give her the impression I don’t want to talk to her.

“Hey, Killua~.” Oh _Lordy_ , I’m so glad this isn’t on speaker. “I was wondering if you were free tonight? I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“Uhhh I’m actually kinda in the middle of something right now.” I cringed, hoping she’d get the message, but apparently that wasn’t the case.

“Oh? Just who is that ‘something’ exactly?” Machi said, slight malice in her tone.

Okay, I might be highly sexually active, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get flustered easily. Now is one of those times I wish I could undo that aspect of myself. I looked over at Gon, not completely aware that my pale skin turned flushed, and he looked at me with innocent curiosity mouthing a ‘you okay?’. I simply nodded and tried to play it off like it wasn’t a big deal.

“My roommate. Errr wait! I meant like I’m with my roommate! I’m not _doing_ … ugh whatever.”

_Jesus fucking… that’s it I’m gonna kill myself._

“Yeah okay, well when you’re done with that, you wanna come over and fuck around a bit?” Why me? Why did I do this to myself? Here I am sitting on the couch, criss cross mother fucking applesauce, with a pillow between my legs to hide my inevitable boner. I have Machi talking seductively and Gon glancing at me every now and then basically asking what she’s saying with his eyes.

_“No more Machi…”_

The words repeated over in my head and willed me to calm down. This is serious and I can’t let myself slip up with her.

“Oh about that actually… I don’t really know how to word this because we aren’t even a thing, but whatever this is… uh…. we should stop.” With those words Gon shot his head up, connecting the dots as to who it is, and blushed slightly. He looked absolutely adorable, but in this situation… _don’t think about Gon like that. At least not right now, focus._

“What do you mean we ‘should stop this’?” My eyes widened at her tone. She almost sounded hurt… but why? We went into this making it clear that there was nothing more than sex and that she doesn’t like me like _that_. She can get a decent fucking from anyone.

“I mean that I won’t do this anymore. I want to focus on school, the band, my friends, and Alluka more. Especially Alluka because it’s her first year and I need to be there for her. You know?” I took a deep breath and braced for a possible argument or objection. “Machi? Are you okay?”

“So this is your sister's fault?” The question threw me off as I wasn’t expecting it. Before I could respond she immediately bombarded me. “You’re just gonna toss me aside all because you want to spend more time with your sister? Ohhh wait wait wait, I see what this is. She’s never liked me. I bet she told you not to be with me anymore. Am I right? That little fucking skank. You’re just gonna compl-”

“Hey Machi.” It was taking everything in me to not get up and walk over there to beat her face in. I could feel the negative aura I was giving off grow stronger from deep in my chest. It felt like there was a fire lit under my ass and with every word I wanted to scream my head off at her. Regardless, I tried to keep my cool. “Can you shut the fuck up and stop thinking about yourself for once? Alluka is none of your business, but since you asked: yeah, she did want me to stop seeing you. I’m not cutting this off because of what she said though. I’m doing this because I don’t want to keep on going through this stupid circle with you. It’s not functional and you’re just unhealthy for me. Alluka wouldn’t suggest something without my best interest in mind, and I agree with her on this one.”

I let out a shaky breath as I subtly calmed down. Gon must’ve noticed my tenseness as he shifted closer to me and rubbed his hand on my back comfortingly. _I almost forgot he was here for a moment._

“Killua, please don’t do this.” I let out a tired sigh, I was tired of this conversation, but it needed to happen so I tried not to hang up just yet. “It might’ve just been sex, but I’ve always been the one that was there for you. Who held you at night? Me. Who made you feel wanted? Me. Who made sure every fucking thing would go _your_ way? Me. I gave myself to you and I’ve always stood by you and every decision you’ve made. I know you like the back of my hand! You know that, so why are you just tossing me aside?!”

“Because I don’t want or need you in that way.” My voice came out cold and I shuddered at the tone I was using. She doesn’t deserve this. Even if we were fucking around, she’s always been my friend, too. “Listen, we both did that shit with no attachments and you agreed to that before anything even happened. I’m sorry, but this just isn’t healthy. You don’t actually want _me_ Machi.”

“You can’t tell me how I feel! ” The emotion in her voice had me staring at my feet planted on the floor in guilt. “I _love_ you!”

“W-What?” I felt my voice shake at her words. Gon’s hand stopped in the middle of my back - he could probably hear the confession being as close as he is. “No no no, you’re just confused.”

“No Killua!” I could practically hear the ruffle of her shaking her head as she let out a broken chuckle. “You’re the one that’s confused. I know how I feel and the only word for that is _love_. Nothing less than that, so come over here so we can talk about this.”

 _I don’t get it. What the fuck is happening?_ I could feel panic rise and catch in my throat as my eyes darted along anything it could catch. My mind is racing and the god damn fucking heart in my chest won’t calm down. _What the fuck am I supposed to do?!_

My shaking breathing comes to a halt as soon as I see them. Gon. It’s Gon. It’s Gon and his stupidly beautiful eyes. As I look into them, I feel my head clear and my breathing starts to slow. Why was I so freaked out again? Everything seems perfectly fine now that I have him to look at.

“Killua?”

He looked down at my shaking hand that wasn’t holding the phone, picked it up, and carefully intertwined our fingers. Slowly, he started to rub figure eights into the back of my hand in a soothing manner - staring at every scar like it was a piece of artwork and then tracing the outline of inked butterflies that descended from my wrist to my fingers.

“Killua? What do you say?”

“Listen Machi, you’re right. I can’t tell you how you feel, but you don’t actually know me. You know the very surface of me. You don’t actually care about me. You only care about me when we’re fucking around, and I can’t do that shit with you anymore.” I sound so pathetic. I value her, but I never thought about the future or after the fact. She’s my friend and I used her. I’m a terrible person. “You can’t say you love me either. You really don’t truly know me even though you think you do. So please just let this go.”

“You know what… fine, but I’m not giving up either. Just watch me. I’ll ev-”

I hung up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!
> 
> I hope you have all had the loveliest of days! Here's another update and I plan on releasing chapter four soon, I'm already halfway done with it so it might be out by this weekend. 
> 
> Thank you for reading this far and the kudos!
> 
> Tootlessss :D


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one with the first performance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: bloody valentine by machine gun kelly   
> (the loml <3)^

I ran my fingers through my hair with one hand and clutched on like it was a lifeline. That was way more stressful than it had to be, but the mere fact that Gon still sitting next to me rubbing random patterns into my knuckles sets me at ease. If he wasn’t here, I probably would’ve made another stupid mistake if I were being honest with myself.

My breathing started to calm down as I sat up a bit straighter, rubbed my eyes with my thumb and pointer finger, and then flung my head back onto the backrest of the couch.

I just wanna sleep - more specifically, with Gon - and cuddle. Cuddles sound so nice right now. I’d run my fingers through his spiky, yet soft, looking hair, and just cling onto him until it’s lights out.

Gon gently lifted my arm up and slugged it around him as he nestled into my side - facing away from me unfortunately. That was until he tilted his head to look up at me with a gentle smile on his face.

“So, how’d you even end up in this situation?” Gon slowly slid down to where his head was on the pillow in my lap. “If you don’t mind me asking.”

I simply chuckled at the action as my body comfortably adjusted to his shift in weight.

“Well in freshman year Machi was in one of my classes, but that’s not where first I saw her.” I looked down at him and saw pure curiosity, no judgement. It set me more at ease as my mind was still somewhat racing. “Two of my other friends, Ikalgo and Meruem, and I had just formed our band. She was at our first show and had shown up to every single one since. I think she’s only missed like one or two within the past two years.”

I subtly chuckle to myself at the innocent memory. “Anyways, I’ve always noticed her at the shows, cheering and having fun with her friends, and so I went up to her after class one day and eventually we became friends. This whole arrangement of sorts didn’t start until Halloween freshman year. We had a show and just happened to get drunk afterwards with the guys in one of their dorms. Her group of friends joined, we all had fun, and then next thing I know I woke up in her bed - buttass naked. It was scary.”

Gon quietly chuckled from my lap, clearly finding amusement in my troubles. Fucker. I smiled down at him and subconsciously started to play with the strands of his hair to calm my nerves. “I got especially worried because Alluka and I were living in an apartment near campus at the time, and it was the first time I’d left her alone for a night since ummm… we ran from home.”

There was clear hesitance in my voice as I didn’t want a negative reaction from exposing the situation Alluka and I are in.

“Oh? What happened?” Gon raised a questionable eyebrow before settling after noticing my discomfort. His hand raised to the side of my face comfortingly. I want to tell him everything. I want to be open, be myself, and give in to whatever this feeling is in my chest. But I can’t.

Instead, I mindlessly slouched into his hand and closed my eyes, feeling somewhat at peace.

“I’ll be straight up with you, there’s a lot of things I’m closed off about and it’s hard for me to talk about it.” I opened my eyes and maintained a steady, serious gaze with him. “Just give me time. You make me feel comfortable and it annoys me, but according to Alluka that’s a good thing for some reason.”

Suddenly, I started to feel self conscious in the silent tension, but felt calmer when he shifted his hand to play with my hair with a soft smile. “Sorry for rambling, I’m not usually super emotional. Sorry.”

“Hey, don’t apologize. Everyone’s got their issues, even if it’s at different levels, and Machi just happens to be part of your history. Same goes for you and Alluka’s situation.” He shot a gleaming smile up at me and I instantly felt my heart beat start to pick up. “I might’ve only known you for a few days now, but I can tell we’re going to be very good friends. Maybe even best friends!”

“Oh shut up! Stop saying weird shit like that!” A rush of red made it to my face as my words fell on deaf ears.

He threw his arms up into the air in a childlike manner and pulled me into a headlock, rubbing his knuckles into my head roughly. “Now don’t be hard on yourself for opening up! I want to know all about you Killua!”

I switched the positions and grabbed his head, forcing him to lay back down in my lap. I smirked down at him with a playful gaze. “Watch it Freeccs, you might just regret those words.”

“Neverrrr!!!” He wiggled out of my hold and pounced on me before I had the time to react - immediately going to tickle me in any open area he could find. I couldn’t help but let unleash a wholehearted shriek and laugh no matter how hard I tried to stifle it.

My only reaction was to try to tickle him back, but there were no open areas as I curled into myself and started to gasp for hair. “I can’t breathe! Gon! Fucking stop I can’t breathe!”

The words only seemed to make him tickle me even more as he dove into my chest to keep from being out in the open. With some concentration, I flipped us around on the couch and pinned him under me to tickle him back. His contagious laughter filled my ears and head with happy emotions as my fingers danced across his body.

_God… he’s so fucking adorable._

Eventually, I could tell that we both tired each other out as it was already pretty fucking late and my eyes were getting droopy. I allowed myself to get comfortable as I laid on top of Gon between his legs and my head on his chest. He brought up his hands to my head and started to finger through my hair gently as my breathing became more steady.

“Is your hair natural?” I positioned my head to look up at him with a smooshed cheek pressed against his chest.

“Yeah, weird right? I’ve never seen anyone else with pure white hair aside from old hags. Even my dads’ is more of a blonde and my moms’ is jet black.” He chuckled at my wording and I felt it from deep in his stomach as it shook me lightly. “Like Alluka’s.”

“Your hair isn’t weird. I think it’s really unique and pretty. It suits you.” He raised his torso slightly by leaning back on his elbows to look at me as I rolled my eyes.

“Yeah yeah, whatever you say. My three other brothers have black hair, too.”

As soon as the statement left my mouth, Gon jolted in excitement with a subtle gasp. “You have a total of four siblings?! Wow that’s a lot! I’m jealous.”

I got up onto my knees and stifled a laugh at his sperastic demeanor.

“It’s really not that amazing, they’re all annoying, too. Alluka’s the only one I actually care about.” I rubbed my eyes in a tired manner and moved him to the side. “Now switch. I like holding more than being held.”

I let a pout escape onto my features as he chuckled lightly, moving regardless. “Isn’t this a little gay?”

“Aren’t you a little gay?” I looked him directly in the eye as he started to turn a bit red - fact coming from the other day when we were with Alluka. I got up to turn the lights off and then laid down on the couch, patting my stomach, telling him to lay down.

“Well yeah, but we’re not together.” I let out a loud groan as the cuddles weren’t definite right now.

“Yeah so? I’ve fucked more people than I can count with the fingers on both my hands and I wasn’t in love with any of them.” I looked him dead in his stupid, romantically beautiful brown eyes with challenge, and pointed at my chest. “Now get over here and let me hold you.”

The tan boy's face was set aflame by my words as he instantly faced away from me and got up to get a water bottle from the fridge. “Sometimes, I think you’re a whole other breed... “

“But Gooonnnnn!” I dramatically slugged my arm over my face and occasionally moved it to glance at him. “We don’t have to be together to cuddle. If it’s such a big deal, then just don’t think about it. Besides, it’s not gay if you say ‘no homo’.”

He immediately sighed at my idiocy and complied. I took the chance to subtly breathe in his scent of pine and some cologne that suited him - a high contrast with the overwhelming city area. “There we go. Now was that so hard?”

“Yes.” His voice came out muffled as his mouth was pressed against my shirt. I simply let out a chuckle at his stubbornness.

“You’re always so dramatic.” I sighed to myself and tugged him closer as he let out a few words of protest - too tired to genuinely argue. “Goodnight Gon.”

“Goodnight Killu... “ I allowed myself to look at his silhouette longingly as his breathing became steady against my chest - ultimately lolling me to sleep, too.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

“You stay with Gon the whole time. Okay?” I looked down at her as she rolled her eyes with the most intensity she could muster. “Hey, I’m serious Alluka. This isn’t a joke, I need you to promise me.”

I couldn’t help but glance down at her with worried eyes. My heart wouldn’t stop shaking in my chest and my palms were starting to sweat. She was turned around with her back to me as I was trying to reason with her. “You’re being ridiculous big brother. I’m a big girl and I can take care of myself. I don’t need to be babysat all the time, I’m legally an adult now.”

“Well I know that, but I just…” My voice trailed off as I couldn’t form any proper words. Yes, I know I’m being dramatic. Yes, I know I’m being overprotective. Yes, she can handle herself. I know all of these things, but I just can’t help myself. The world is ugly and I want to shelter her from that. “I just love you.”

The words came out in a hushed whisper, but her ears immediately caught onto them. She made a complete 180 on her heel and slowly walked over to hug me. “Hey… I’ll be fine. I’ll stick with Gon, okay?”

She started to rub her hand on my back to sooth my conscience, while I wrapped my arms around her. I dug my face into her shoulder and squeezed her as tight as I could. “You better.”

“Alright, I’m ready now! Sorry for the hold up.” Gon came out of his room with an excited expression as I started to release my arms from around Alluka.

“It’s about time. You take for-fucking-ever.” I jabbed his forehead with my pointer finger, fully aware of the fact that Alluka was glancing at me worriedly, and he rubbed the area with a pout on his face. “Now where’s Kurapika’s dorm or whatever?”

He immediately perked up at the mention of his friend and started to head out the door, both of us closely behind him. “Follow meeee!”

I chuckled at his lively energy as Alluka reached down so we walked hand in hand. We made it to Kurapika’s room in no time and Gon flung the door open only to come face to face with a heated sight. Kurapika and his boyfriend, Leorio (?), were on the couch in the middle of a heated makeout session and I instantly brought a hand up to Alluka’s eyes and firmly held it there. With her own hands she weaseled two fingers in between mine and split them apart to watch. “I ship it... “

Alluka chuckled at my reaction as my face turned red. _When did my sister become a pervert?!_

“You two can suck face later! Right now it’s time to head out!” Gon shouted, not even bothered at the sight as he laughed at both of them while they turned red. He turned to me with a half apologetic smile and a hand on the back of his neck. “Okay, so the blonde one is Kurapika, and the older looking one is Leorio.”

I instantly turned to Kurapika with a raised eyebrow. “So you’re the one who decided to date an old hag?”

The question, more like a statement, instantly made Leorio turn to me with a ticked off expression. “I’m only a year older than you, Frosty.”

_Frosty? That’s a new one._

“Don’t look like it to me old man.” A smug smirk planted on my face as Gon and Kurapika were silently laughing to themselves, probably trying not to offend the _elder_.

“Brother stop being so mean.” Alluka harshly yanked my arm as a sign to stop teasing him - my guitar case strap almost slipping from my shoulder. I rolled my eyes, but stopped talking nonetheless.

We all chatted as we made it out of the building and started to head for the city. Regardless of what time of the day it was, York New never ceased to be heavily trafficked and filled with other people on the streets and sidewalks. The aura around us was peaceful despite the loud noises of the city.

I looked over at Gon as the casting lights from billboards and screens illuminated his features with various colors. I was so tempted to reach out and grab his hand with my free one, but I managed to halt my arm and stuff my hand into my pocket. _No no no… don’t be stupid Killua._

Kurapika and Leorio were walking behind us hand in hand, and I couldn’t help but long for that kind of relationship. Ahhh… pain. Alluka gave my hand a light squeeze as she peered up at me with concern, mouthing a ‘you okay?’. I simply nodded as we approached an alleyway that had a door leading to the bar, not being the main entrance.

“Alright, I know this seems sketchy and off the wall, but just follow me.” Leorio gave me an unsure glance and I just rolled my eyes with a subtle smirk. “I know you don’t have your cane, but try to keep up old man.”

I ignored the protest behind me and walked straight into the side entrance, a smirk present on my face. Immediately inhaling as I opened the door, I walked inside with an easygoing expression. _Home…_ or the closest thing I’ve got to one, building wise.

The lights were dim as people were crowded around the high top bar stools and shouting orders to the bartender, who I’ve become quite acquainted with, named Jason. Some pop rock music was playing as the grunge aesthetic ran throughout the place. Sweaty bodies dancing, drunk slurs and shouts running through the air, people in groups sitting on couches, various neon street signs planted on the walls… all sights I’ve grown accustomed to throughout the years.

Turning on my heel, I faced the group, who were looking around in amazement and / or confusion at the setting change - probably not being something they expected. I coughed, gaining their attention, and put on a serious face. “Alright listen up, for the most part this place is pretty safe. Everyone here is just here to socialize, have fun, and jam out to my graceful, beautiful voice.”

A slight smirk fell on my features as Leorio and Alluka, specifically, rolled their eyes at my statement. I looked over at Gon who had some sort of gleam in his eyes as he looked at me, and then at Kurapika who was simply being attentive.

“Now you.” I pointed at Alluka as she rolled her eyes again and then looked at everyone so they know where I stand with this. “Please keep your eye on her. Yes, everyone is here to have fun, but that doesn’t mean everyone has good intentions. As you know, everyone has a different definition of fun, and I don’t want her being subjected to that.”

Any tension in the air between us seemed to subside as I softly smiled at them and then pulled Alluka into a bone crushing hug. I bent down to whisper in her ear. “Hey, have fun, but stay close to Gon. I have a feeling Machi is gonna try to start some shit if she sees you. I called it off. Also, I don’t mind you drinking, but don’t go crazy. Drinks are free for me, so just tell Jason that you’re my sister - I let him know you were coming tonight.”

I pulled away from the hug and rested my hands on her shoulders. Alluka offered an excited smile as she jumped up and down and then grabbed Gon’s hand to start leading him into the crowd. “Hey hey hey, wait a sec.”

She immediately halted and then shoved a playful glare in my direction. “Killuaaaa stop being so overprotective.”

I ignored her and pulled Gon into a side hug and then playfully shoved him a little. “You make sure to watch after her, Freecss. If anything happens, just come to the side of the stage and we can take a little break. I’ll show you all the back room or something.”

“Don’t worry so much.” He looked at me like I was being ridiculous, which I probably was, but I couldn’t help it. “I’ve got it and you don’t have to lose your head about this.”

I smiled as his tone set me at ease and then sent them off to do whatever. I went onto the stage and started to help Ikalgo and Meruem. Once they caught my eye they immediately went over and slapped my back, Ikalgo jokingly going to slap my ass. I rolled my eyes and slugged off my guitar case from around my torso. “Well aren’t you late. Almost thought you weren’t coming.”

“I’d never miss a show, especially without saying anything.” Ikalgo dramatically scoffed and then gave a playful smile. I looked out toward the crowd and immediately noticed a group of girls shouting to me. I turned away with a smug smirk on my face. “Especially with this kind of crowd.”

“Oh shut the hell up pretty boy.” Meruem rolled his eyes as he put up one of his bigger drum pieces. “Ikalgo tells me you’ve got a little crush in the crowd tonight anyways. How’s that going for you?”

I sent a sharp glare at Ikalgo who simply smiled at my coldness. “It’s not a crush, I’m not some sort of school girl. I’ll get over it within a day or two.”

As soon as we finished setting up, Ikalgo and I started to mess with the strings as we tuned the guitars while Meruem was off doing whatever for the time being. “So, I saw you brought your sister tonight. She’s with the spiky black haired kid, that Gon?”

I nodded and peered up at him, almost set up. “Yeah that’s Gon, he promised to watch over her since I’m still a little unsure of her even being here.”

“Awww he seems like an amazing future husband Killua.” He said with a teasing smirk as he rested his guitar in his lap and moved to pinched my cheeks.

“Oh shut the hell up. Let’s just start, the crowds getting pretty big.”

Meruem hopped onto the stage and Ikalgo and I immediately noticed the large grin on his face. “Guess what.”

“What?” Ikalgo and I said in unison.

Meruem held his breath with his fist clenched and between his teeth trying to prevent his excited, goofy grin. “I just scored a date with Komugi! She even kissed my cheek! I’m in cloud nine right now!”

He let out a dreamy sigh as Ikalgo let out a congratulatory shout. I watched with a small smile at my friend's accomplishment. He’s been pining after Komugi for the past year, but never accomplished anything because she thought he was just a fuck boy. If anything, the complete opposite is true.

After the mini celebration, we gave the signal to Jason and he dimmed the lights further as the show began - mainly the stage being lit up. Various cheers, screams, and shouts came from all directions and I looked over at Ikalgo with a smile as if to say ‘wow, look how far we’ve come’. A sudden rush of adrenaline picked up in my system and my nerves were a tad on edge - the sea of the crowd getting to me. Before I could say anything, Ikalgo walked closer to me, blunt in hand, and took a long drag before handing it over to me. I took a hit and immediately handed it back to him. Anxiety tame? Check.

“How’s everyone doing tonight?” I asked into the mic as it came out more like a statement and the screaming picked up again. I chuckled to myself at the following that we’ve managed to maintain and looked back at Meruem.

“I don’t mean to call anyone out here, but my man, who you know as our drummer, scored a date with the girl he’s been after for like the past year!” Ikalgo cut in excitedly into the mic and we laughed at the blush forming on his face - something that was abnormal for him. “As a celebration, everyone tip one back and let’s cheer for Meruem!”

The crowd immediately went wild as everyone started to scream and clap for him. It was loud as shit as people started drinking, getting even more loose. I reached for the blunt again since I felt the slight pounding in my chest get out of hand and I went for another hit.

As if that was the cue, Ikalgo started playing the starting cords to our first song, and I had my replacement pic in hand - I really gotta find that thing.

_“The simulation just went bad_  
_But you're the best I ever had_  
_Like handprints in wet cement_  
_She touched me it's permanent_

_In my head, in my head_  
_I couldn't hear anything you said but_  
_In my head, in my head_  
_I'm callin' you ‘girlfriend’, what the fuck?”_

As I let the lyrics rip out of my throat, I was occasionally searching for the others with my eyes throughout the crowd - somewhat anxious to double check Alluka was with the others.

_“I don't do fake love, but I'll take some from you tonight_  
_I know I've got to go but I might just miss the flight”_

I felt a rush of relief as soon as I spotted her and then my eyes drifted to Gon, who seemed to be in some sort of trance. I immediately smirked knowing that I caused the starry look in his eyes. Out of pure cockiness, I sent a wink in his direction and some parts of the crowd started to scream louder. I slightly chuckled mid lyric at the reaction that I got from everyone. Glancing back at him, I could see the blush that sprung despite the dimmed out lights as he swiftly covered his cheeks with his hoodie sleeve.

_“I can't stay forever, let's play pretend_  
_And treat this night like it'll happen again_  
_You'll be my bloody valentine tonight”_

Throughout the performance, Ikalgo had slung an arm around my neck and we sang some of the vocals together with huge smiles on our faces. This is my time to truly let loose. With our heads banging, hyped up movements, and energized smiles, we continued on with the music.

After a couple more songs, we decided to take a break, and as soon as I put my guitar down, I went and told Meruem that I’d be right back - Ikalgo already had run off somewhere.

I decided to use this time to go and check up on Alluka, so I hopped off the stage but regretted it since I immediately got swarmed. _This shit’s ridiculous._ I gently pushed my way through the people apologetically - not really - as I walked up to the couch they’ve declared their homebase of sorts. Alluka immediately launched her arms around my neck and I stumbled back slightly at the impact, black hair whacking me in the face.

I laughed as she started to flail her limbs expressively. “Brother that was amazing! You should let me come to these shows more often! It’s so exciting and you looked so cool!”

“It’s really nothing too special.” A rush of shyness caused me to nervously laugh and bring a hand up to the back of my head. “You can come to more if you want, I just want to make sure you’re being safe if you do.”

“I just want to come to support you. That and free drinks!” I rolled my eyes, but chuckled at her response.

“How’ve you guys been holding up?” I motioned toward the other three. I walked over to Gon and threw my left arm over his shoulder - him being ever so slightly shorter than me. “It can get pretty hectic here.”

“It’s not my kind of crowd, but we’ve all been having fun nonetheless.” Kurapika spoke up with a supporting smile on his features. Rare but fitting. “Though one thing is bothering me. Are you high right now?”

A nervous chuckle caught in my throat. “No, the weed was just to calm my nerves a bit. I don’t seriously do drugs… anymore at least. If you were to ask me freshman year than you’d have a completely different answer.”

I noticed Gon was pretty quiet and I maneuvered to look at him in the eyes. “You good there Gon? You’ve been a bit quiet.”

“Yeah! Yeah, I’m all good.” I chuckled at his trip of words as a smile grew on my face. He’s so red right now and god help me if I can’t keep my hands to myself. “Just a drink or two is all.”

Before I could say anything else, a girl with long black hair came up to me with a suggestive look in her eyes. _Oh fucking hell…_

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes when she grabbed my free arm and pressed herself up against me. “Hey Killua~, I was wondering if you could sign something for me?”

The question threw me off, but I nodded as she handed me a black permanent marker and pushed her chest toward me. The fuck? “Uhhh, what did you want me to sign?”

She answered my question by grabbing my hand with the marker in it and putting it on top of her boob. _Holy… okay. Okay. It’s just a boob._

I heard Kurapika and Leorio stifle a laugh at my flustered face as I let out a shaky ‘sure’.

I decided to ignore the way she was looking at me as I signed the open area with a flushed face. She held one of her long acrylic nails between her teeth and as soon as I finished she laced her fingers with mine and tried to pull me away from the others. “I-I’m okay right here.”

Trying to be polite, I gently shook my hand out of hers as she pouted and went back to pushing herself onto me. “Oh come on Killua~. I’ll make sure to give you a good time~.”

“I have a boyfriend.” The words came out of my mouth before even I could process them and I reeled Gon closer into my side. He immediately flushed and was about to spark words of protest, but she instantly cut him off.

“Oh really? Then how come Machi said you were up for grabs now? I heard you just finished with her and now I want a taste~.” Her knowing smirk spread across her face as shock ran through my system. _So Machi’s spreading shit now?_ “I highly doubt that this guy is your boyfriend. I’ve heard you always preferred girls anyways.”

“Ahhh well there’s a whole lot more than a few things she doesn’t know about me.” I leaned in close to her face and whispered in her ear. “Stop trying to make something out of nothing. I stopped things with Machi because I want an actual relationship, this guy happens to make my fucking heart pound, so how about you leave us the hell alone.”

I sent a smirk her way as her whole demeanor seemed to slowly shatter. “You’re an asshole.”

She scoffed, dramatically flipped her hair, and turned on her heel - obviously irritated that I rejected her. Leorio and Alluka burst out laughing as she sashayed away just from how purely ridiculous the situation was. I chuckled to myself at the action and then turned to Gon. I was going to apologize since he was obviously uncomfortable despite the way he was laughing along, but before I could say anything, my ears perked up at the sound of Ikalgo strumming his guitar. Probably the signal that our break was over. I sighed to myself since, for once, I didn’t feel like going up there.

The way Gon was pressed into me was comforting despite the situation, and I couldn’t help but want to stay here for the rest of the night. “I’ll see you guys after the show.”

I gave Gon a gentle smile before walking off, Alluka trying to gain my attention in the process by holding onto my arm.

This long night has only just started, I can _feel_ it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp... I just impulsively pierced both my ears before posting this, so that's something. 
> 
> On another note (mini rant): I'm currently a dual enrollment student meaning I'm doing both high school and college courses at the same time, and I'm about to start up a creative writing class. I'm so excited! I haven't been this excited for school since like elementary. On top of that, I'm going to university next year and I'm so nervous like financially. I've gotten into a few already, I'm just more nervous about paying for it all because I'm trying to support it all myself. Scholarship money, student loans, and work-study here I come!
> 
> I hope you all enjoy this update as much as I enjoyed writing it! I love reading comments and constructive criticism over the story, so I'll reply as soon as I can if you have anything to say! Steamy chapter coming ahead - just a warning.
> 
> Thanks for the support,  
> Tootles! :3


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where they take a step forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *nsfw warning*
> 
> ^ practically the whole chapter

Sweat had gathered on my forehead throughout the performance as my clothes hugged my body tightly. We had just finished up and to say I was tired was the biggest understatement of the century. I felt like I had just gotten run over by a truck, but in the best way possible.

Any inner turmoil I had was finally released as I relaxed into the comfort of the all too familiar stage lights. I started to pack my guitar away as Alluka and Gon came up to the stage. “Hey. What’s up? Where’s Kurapika and the old guy?”

“Oh, they left a little bit ago, the drinks and lights were starting to get to Kurapika a bit. They both said that they enjoyed meeting you and watching the show though.” Gon said with a grin as I snapped the case shut and slungged the strap over my head, guitar resting on my back. I squinted as the look in his eyes were trying to tell me something, but I couldn’t quite decipher it. He looked dazed.

“Oh that’s fine. Tell them it was nice meeting them, too.” I looked at Gon a bit skeptical and got the response of a smirk that looked way too suggestive right now. “How much have you had to drink?”

Gon slouched a little as Alluka answered for him. “He’s had a decent amount, but I don’t think he’s drunk. Just majorly tipsy, so it’s best you bring him straight to the dorm.”

I nodded in agreement and told her to hold on a second. “Hey losers, imma head out now. Do you need help or do you guys got it?”

Ikalgo peered up from behind the drums with Meruem and he gave me a wink and thumbs up in return. “We’ve got it, you just go get some.”

I rolled my eyes at his implication and turned back to Alluka. “Alright, let’s get this dumbass back.”

Hoisting Gon’s arm around my shoulders, I steadied him against me as he hesitated a few steps. We started with making our way to Alluka’s building. The walk over was pretty quiet as it was obvious we were all tired as hell.

“Did you have fun?” I looked over at Alluka who nodded in a tired manner. I chuckled at her state as we approached the doors and she halted me.

“I’m not gonna let you any further, you’re already gonna have enough trouble getting Gon up to your room.” She stomped down her foot with a huff as if expecting me to oblige.

“Alright ‘Luka, I do want you to tell me all about your time in the morning though. I’ll drag Gon if something happened, I don’t care if he has a hangover or some shit.” I heard a grunt from beside me as Gon seemed to wake up a bit. He shook out of my hold, stumbled a bit, and got some stable footing. “I’ll see you tomorrow or whatever. Make sure to get some sleep.”

“Okay brother, I love you.” She gave me a quick hug and kiss on the cheek before going over to the double glass doors.

“I love you, too.”

Gon and I walked side by side to the dorms, him being oddly quiet, and I found myself sending curious glances at him every so often. As soon as we got into the room, he paused his footing and turned toward me. “You okay there?”

“Actually no. I’m not okay. You wanna know why?” He appeared flustered as he walked over to me, head strung high with a heavy blush. “I’ve been looking at you all night wondering why the hell I find myself so physically attracted to you. Don’t get me wrong, I like everything about you, but physically, I’ve never been this sexually frustrated. I’ve always noticed that you’re hot, but holy shit. It’s so out of character for me to be this flustered by one person.”

_W-What?_

I struggled to find the right words to say as my mouth was held slightly agape. Not knowing what to say, I started to maneuver him by the shoulders. “L-Let’s talk about this in the morning. You know, when you’re fully sober.”

Nudging him toward his room lightly, I slowly walked him by the shoulder despite the way he was pressing back. “No no no Killua, listen to me, I’m sober enough. I’ve made up my mind about something.”

I sighed heavily as we made it to his door and he put himself between the doorknob and my hand. “Okay so you know how we made a bet and I won? Yeah, well I know what I want now.”

“And just what would that be?” I rolled my eyes at his state, but the look in his eyes almost sent me over the edge. I ripped my gaze away to the side almost immediately, I’m not trying to get a boner right now.

“I think you know what I want…” I looked back into his eyes as he grabbed the collar of my jacket and pulled me down to his face. “... an arrangement of sorts sounds about right.”

My breath hitched in my throat at his sudden confident words and flirting. Ahhh _lust_. That’s the look in his eyes. He pulled me further down to whisper in my ear, sending chills down my spine and straight to a halfie. “Come on Killua~. I want to be your one person.”

“Are you sure you want that?” My voice came out in a shaky whisper as I couldn’t think about anything other than pinning him to the wall and fucking the shit out of him. Any form of restraint I had was starting to slip through my fingers. “I don’t think you know what you’re getting yourself into.”

Gon chuckled to himself darkly at my words. His neck was just a breath away as I’ve been pulled into his nape. I wanna bite and mark him up so badly… god damn it Gon just give me the word and I’ll do it. “Oh I think I do. I wanna get fucked by you Killua, and I want to be the only one.”

I couldn’t take it anymore. I cherished the surprised gasp that left his mouth as I pushed him up against the door and latched my mouth onto his neck. I placed my right leg between his own and pressed my body up against him, smirking at the abrupt moan as I rubbed up against his lower region. He could just look at me and I’d get turned on, but _this_ , oh this is doing some shit to me.

“Killua~...”

…

…

_Straight to my dick._

He leaned his head back onto the door as I allowed myself to indulge in sucking on different areas of his neck, trying to get his sweet spot. Traveling down to the nape of his neck, I dragged my teeth over the area and felt him shiver at the action. Right there. I decided to go all out as I couldn’t hold back and I harshly sucked and bit at the area. He attempted to cover his mouth with the back of his hand, but I pinned it to the door and put my mouth level to his ear.

“Hey Gon, baby~, I wanna hear everything you have to say.” A husky breath escaped my lips as he left me breathless. I felt him tremble from below me at my words and a smirk crossed my features. “In fact, I’d love to hear you moaning my name. When we start to get this going, I’m gonna make sure that my name is the only thing you know how to fucking say. Got it.”

I got a whimper in response as he pulled me in for a heated kiss. _Woah… I’ve never felt something like this before._ Sure I’ve kissed many people, but this was so different. I got carried away in the passion that was being thrown between us and grabbed the back of his upper thighs to hoist him up into my arms. He instantly wrapped his legs around my waist as he fisted my hair through his fingers and pulled me closer to him - mouths briskly moving in sync.

After a few attempts, I managed to grab the door handle, kicking it shut behind me, and threw him onto his bed. I took a moment to look down at the boy who wore hooded eyes and flushed cheeks. He was panting for air, but still gave me a look signaling he was waiting for more. I threw my jacket onto the floor and took my shirt off, it was getting way too hot for this. He looked up at me with admiration stilled in his eyes, instantly melting my insides and putting my stomach in knots. I peered up at him as I reached down and fingered the bottom material of his hoodie. “Is this okay?”

Despite the mood of the moment, I found my voice growing soft as I looked at him for confirmation. As if not expecting the question, he shyly nodded, brown eyes growing romantically dark at the action. He raised his arms over his head as I swiftly pulled his hoodie off and took a moment to take in the full view of him. Let me just say, he is _stunning_. I raked my eyes up and down his body as he slouched back into his sheets, looking at me expectantly.

No going back now.

I allowed myself to indulge in the comfort that I received from him. Something about Gon just made my mind feel clear. There’s no history or bad blood, no hatred, no poison in this relationship. Just comfort… and sexual tension.

Hovering over him, I trailed my lips from his collarbone down to his chest and gently started to finger at one of his nipples while the other remained in my mouth. The instant gasp and shudder that ran down his body gave me all the encouragement I needed. I slowly started to swirl my tongue around it and noticed how it drove him subtly insane. Quite the beautiful sight. I couldn’t help but smirk into it as he let out another whimper. “You like that Gon?”

“Yes.” He was breathing heavy as his chest was rising and falling in a way that made me want to play with him more. “I-I want more Killua. Stop teasing me already.”

“Hmmmm, but what if I don’t want to?” I smirked as he pouted and his hooded eyes made contact with my playful ones as his arms wrapped around my neck. I took the opportunity to sit up and grab his shoulders, pinning them to the headboard of the bed. Gon visibly gulped as I leaned in closer to his ear and gave it a gentle nibble. “I like playing with you and the painfully obvious bulge in your pants seems to agree with me baby~.”

The sound of a thud resonated in the air as his head drooped back to the headboard. I took the chance to tenderly press my hand against the bulge in his pants. _He’s pretty big for a bottom._ I smirked at the thought before slowly rubbing my hand up and down and then continuing to suck on his chest. His tanned skin made the perfect contrast against mine as I ran my mouth down his chest and to his toned abs. I left as many hickies as I could in all of the places that would be concealed with clothes, not knowing how comfortable he actually was with exposed ones as of right now - except for the one in the crook of his neck… _got a little carried away there..._

Eventually, I found my mouth at the hem of his shorts as I teased him with my tongue. “I wonder if I should go lower... “

“P-Please… Killua I can’t take it anymore.” He looked like he was straining to hold it together. That just won’t do. _I want to see you lose yourself for me Gon._

“Oh really? What exactly do you want me to do?” I looked over at him with an innocent glance - something we both knew was false - and then trailed the tip of my finger along the edge of his shorts lining.

He whimpered at the sensation as I held him at my mercy. He’s so cute. “Don’t make me say it Killuaaa…”

“How can I know what you want if you don’t tell me?”

He let out a shaky breath and seemed to swallow his pride beneath my gaze. “Can you p-please… can you please go further down?”

“Hmmm, sure, and do what? What do you want me to do to you right now Gon?”

He let out a loud moan as I gently tugged his shorts and boxers with one finger and trailed my tongue down closer to the base of his dick. “I… god… I want you to suck me off!”

I smirked at how his eyes were pinched shut out of embarrassment. “Good, because that’s exactly what I want to do to you right now.”

Without another thought, I pulled down both his shorts and boxers in one go and tossed them somewhere onto the floor. His dick sprung to life in front of my face as Gon shyly tossed an arm over his flaming face. I grabbed his hand and moved it to the side, forcing him to watch me. The attention immediately got me even more excited, if that’s even possible.

I started running my tongue along the base of his dick, earning a shiver and moan as he continued watching me. My own dick was screaming for attention and harshly pressing against my pants, but I couldn’t allow myself to indulge in that just yet. I sat on my knees, leaning down on my elbows, as I traveled my tongue up his penis. “Oh god Killua… keep going… I want more, give me more… fuck.”

A smile tried to surface as my lips took shape around the head and my tongue swirled around in circles. Precum dribbled down the tip and into my mouth as his moans and whimpers started to grow impatient. Dropping down lower, I took him all in my mouth in one go. As my lips reached the base, he hit the back of my throat and I gagged but didn’t pull away. I indulged in the way his dick was pulsing along all sides of my mouth, I’ve missed this feeling. I haven’t had a guy in forever, and Gon is all the more extremely intoxicating. A mix of saliva and precum dribbled down my chin as I looked up at him with lustful eyes, Gon returning the look with a buck of the hips.

I gagged again and threw an annoyed look his way, words falling darkly out of my mouth. “Oh baby~, you’re so gonna pay for that.”

He let out a groan as I slid my mouth dangerously slow down his shaft. Using one arm, I held down his hips and then grabbed his thigh for stability - giving it a tight squeeze. As I came up, I made sure to press my tongue along the vein of his dick, knowing it’s extra sensitive, and into the slit of his head.

“Oh god! Killua! I can’t take it!” I let out a dark, humorless chuckle at his please - sending vibrations down his penis. “God Killua! Stop teasing me! Fuck!”

“God ain’t here to save you, that’s for sure.” I spoke as my lips were pressed against the side of him. I started to pump him with my hand while I took his balls into my mouth. He whimpered at the action and I rose up from the bed to see a tear of pleasure running down his cheek. _Ohhh I like that face._

As soon as I wrapped my lips around his dick again, he instantly raised a hand to grab the back of my head and push me down - forcing his dick to hit the back of my throat. I gagged and it was hard to admit, but part of me liked being treated roughly, too. I lowkey wanted him to fuck my face, but that can happen another time.

I placed both of my hands on each side of his hips as I hollow my cheeks and give into the pleasure. With a few attempts at bucking his hips again, he came in the back of my throat with a loud moan that sent my mind in haywire. He’s so fucking cute and hot at the same time holy shit. I tried to swallow it all, but some cum made its way past my lips before Gon swooped in, lapped it up, and started to make out with me, still filled with the white substance.

_Gon… marry me._

His tongue danced with mine as the taste of his cum resided between them. I let out a moan into his mouth as he continued to tug on my hair hastily, as if he never wanted to let me go. Fuck, I loved this so much.

My back pressed against the wall as he straddled my waist and trailed his lips down my jaw. His lips felt like fire against my skin and I couldn’t help the subtle moan I let out. He took that as encouragement as he licked and sucked at my skin until he found my spot. As soon as his breath brushed the middle of my neck, a shudder ran through my body.

Gon immediately latched on and sucked away as I tried my best to hold in any noise that’d leak out. I failed as I mentally curled in from underneath him. “Fuck G-Gon.”

With that he bit at the area and I shivered as his tongue ran along his teeth marks. A deep moan escaped my lips as the action seemed to make me more aware of what we were doing.

I lightly pushed him down on his back despite his protests, a string of saliva still connected between his lips and my neck. I wiped it away and backed off a bit even though my eyes remained hungry for more. “But Killua, what about you? I can prep myself or something if that’s it.”

I could feel something more than lust leak from my chest and onto my face, and decided to let the expression slip. Just this once.

“Though that’d be super hot and I’d love to watch you do yourself, I’m not positive you’re one hundred percent sober. You might be saying you want this, but I just can’t be sure right now. I’d rather go all out with this sort of thing when I know for a fact you’re in the right state of mind. We’ve gone far enough, all things considering, so just get some rest.” I looked down at him as he laid there with an unreadable expression. “Let’s talk about this in the morning, okay?”

I threw his boxers and shorts back at him and he slugged them on without another word about the topic. I let a smile fill up my features at the events that just took place. “Goodnight Gon.”

As soon as I turned around to leave, Gon lurched up from the bed and faced me with pleading eyes.

“Can you stay? I won’t do anything. Promise.” He stated as if he was the problem. I looked at him with an unsure gaze.

“That’s not the issue. I’m not sure I can promise that.” I resisted turning away from him and put my hands in my jean pockets. His gaze only seemed to get more pleading as I contemplated my options, instantly making me give in. “Fine, just give me a minute and I’ll be right there.”

I turned on my heel and went into my room to throw on a pair of sweatpants, but halted as I released the painful boner that was restricted from my pants. _Now what shall I do with you, Killua Jr.…_

Meh, I’m already so close to busting I might as well.

Pictures of Gon’s face flooded my mind as I brought my hand down to slowly pump my dick. God fucking damn it, how did I hold out this long? I pinched my eyes shut at the thought of his moans and whimpers that were so close to my ear. I let out a muffled moan of my own as I clamped my teeth down on my bottom lip. He tasted so fucking good: dick, mouth, neck, chest… everything. Everything about Gon was so good, and as bad as it sounds, I partially wish I didn’t have the conscience to stop. All I want right now is to see that pretty little mouth of his put to work on me.

Oh _god_ Gon…

Next thing I know, my hand and bare stomach was covered in cum and I groaned at the thought of having to go through the trouble of cleaning it up. I didn’t want to leave my room to get a towel, Gon possibly seeing me like this would be embarrassing, so I picked up a dirty shirt I already had in the laundry basket to clean up. I bundled it up, threw it back into the basket, got changed, and went back over to Gon.

I have the strong feeling that he’s going to regret everything from tonight in the morning, but for now, I won’t allow myself to worry about that. I gently pushed his door open, just in case he decided to change or something, and then made my way into his room.

Figuring the lump on the bed was Gon, I snuggled into the sheets and closed my eyes. The silence was interrupted by a harsh huff and then I felt Gon throw his arm over me. “Come closerrrr.”

Obliging with a faked out eye roll, I shuffled around to face him. I was slightly startled to see him staring right into my eyes, but they were soft and it soothes any preexisting nerves I had about tomorrow. For now at least. Without warning, he brought a hand up to my cheek and then pressed it back into my hair in a comforting manner.

Giving into the sensation, I closed my eyes and took it all in. His gentle caresses felt foreign to me and then he pulled me in so he could nuzzle into my bare chest. No one has ever actually touched me like this. My own mother resorted to violence and training whenever I let certain emotions start to slip. This felt… unnatural… and that itself is unnatural.

For some reason, I felt a tear flow down my face as childhood memories pressed forward in my mind. My eyes shot open as soon as I felt it and I wiped it away. “Hey hey hey, what’s wrong Killua?”

“I don’t know, I just…” I hesitate to tell him, I’m being too open, but _‘open is not a bad thing’_. “I’ve never had someone touch me like that is all. It made me feel… weird.”

It’s no secret that I’m not good at expressing my emotions, and now is not an exception. The ‘weird’ feeling has my stomach in knots and my chest clenching. Almost like I’m nervous, but there’s something else to it. I feel light and like there isn’t any weight on my shoulders.

But it’s not enough. I can’t help but let memories of chains, whips, and electrical currents run through my mind. Oh god I want it to just go away. Leave me alone.

Gon carefully grabs my face with both of his hands and runs his thumbs under my eyes and then smooths out my scrunched eyebrows. No more tears fell, I wouldn’t allow it, but the action forced a whimper out of my throat. God I hate being vulnerable, but it’s Gon… I know I’m _safe_ with Gon.

Out of the fear of vulnerability, I pulled him into my chest and rested my head on top of his. I found myself clinging onto him like my heart depended on it as my breathing stabilized. _Home_.

I shoved my nose into his head of soft, spiky hair and closed my eyes, breathing in. “Killua?”

“Just stay like this for me. Please?” My muffled, soft voice reached his ears and he nodded to himself.

“Are you okay though?” He pulled his head back and looked me in the eyes.

“I am now, don’t worry about it.” The words left my mouth in a sleepy haze as I slowly dozed off to sleep. “Goodnight Gon.”

“Goodnight Killua.” I felt his lips move against my chest as I was too tired to feel embarrassed by it. “You’re really amazing, I think… I really like you.”

But those words fell deaf to my ears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed this chapter and that it doesn't disappoint - I'm a little on the fence with it to be honest. Also, thank you for all of the support! I love reading comments of all kinds, so if you have some feedback then I'd love to hear it. 
> 
> Thank you so much and have a good day,
> 
> Tootles!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one with Sir Bacon.

Sun delicately cascaded through the window of the room as I woke up in an unfamiliar bed. After some confused glances at all the items inside, I realized I was in Gon’s room. All the memories from last night hit me at once as I laid there wide eyed thinking about everything from pinning him to the door to the comfort I received - lolling me to sleep.

Bringing me out of my transe, I felt the weight of Gon laying on my chest move ever so slightly. His cheek was squished against me as he mumbled a few incoherent words to himself in his sleep and slightly rubbed my side.

_It’d probably be best if he doesn’t wake up to me._

I shimmied from under him and then stuffed a pillow under his arm for him to hold onto in place of me. He looked so fucking cute right now. Like _wow_.

After admiring him for another minute, I realized I was being creepy, so I left and started to make breakfast in the kitchen.

I started to subconsciously sing to myself and tap my foot to the beat - one of the songs that I was currently writing running through my head. With the eggs and bacon sizzling in the background, my voice raised to its normal volume and I bopped out using the spatula as both a mic and a guitar. I finished the grand finale with the slide of my knees on the floor and the imaginary electric guitar in my hands going haywire.

Using the sizzling as an “applause” of sorts, I got up and bowed down to the pan. “Yes yes, thank you Sir Bacon. I know I’m amazing.”

A chuckle from the hallway had me doing a quick 180 on my heel. I came face to face with Gon who wore an amused smirk on his face. “That was quite the performance there Killua.”

“S-Shut up…” My face instantly heated up at his words as my hand found the back of my neck out of nervousness. Putting some eggs and bacon on a plate, I handed it off with an uncertain hand and allowed my eyes to linger down the marks on his chest. I have no idea how this conversation will go, but it had to start somehow.

When he sat down on the couch, I zoned out while staring at him, debating how to start this off. “So ummm… how was last night?”

_WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SO AWKWARD KILLUA?!_

_I DON'T KNOW! SHUT UP!_

“It was very fun actually! I could tell Alluka was having a lot of fun watching you too. She admires you a lot.” He seemed unbothered by the question as he picked up Sir Bacon and bit his head off while I poured myself a cup of coffee. “You know, you’re a really good big brother. I heard most siblings are just mean to one another, and you two are the complete opposite.”

“We fight plenty, but uhhh t-thanks, I guess.” I wasn’t exactly prepared for the compliment and I lowered my head on the way to the opposing side of the couch. “How about after that?”

“Well I don’t really remember much after we were on our way to… what’s on your neck?” I gave him a weird look before I brought my hand up to feel where he was gesturing and felt an abrupt sting of pain from the area. I let out a quiet hiss and instantly remembered how Gon produced the harsh, prominent hickey there.

 _Fuck_.

I looked back up at him with a nervous, flushed expression and chuckled awkwardly to myself. “It’s uhhh nothing. Are you sure you don’t remember anything?”

Gon’s eyes narrowed at me in a serious manner, something that didn’t go with his outgoing persona, almost looking hurt(?). “Oh… so I guess you found someone?”

_This clueless fucking shit making me explain everything…_

“That’s up to you.” I forked some eggs into my mouth as he looked at me questionably.

“What do you mean?”

“Have you looked in the mirror at all this morning?” The question prompted him to give me a weird look as he skeptically stood up and walked over to the bathroom.

He came back within a minute or two with the look of shock all over his face. We both were wearing what we went to bed in, so both of our torsos were out in the open. To say the least, Gon was littered in love bites all the way down to his waist line. Oops.

“We…” he motioned between the both of us with his pointer finger, “... you want me?”

My face instantly flared up at his words as I choked on a piece of bacon. “W-Wait, what?”

“Last night I asked if I could be your person.” He said bluntly, as if that wasn’t a dirty statement.

“Wait, you remember everything?”

“Yeah it all came back to me as soon as I saw all this.” Gon’s cheeks lit up as he gestured to his body with a nervously chuckled, fiddling with his fingers. “I’m attracted to you and find you hot, so do you want me?”

_Holy fucking… I can’t handle this shit._

“Y-Yeah, I do.” I refused to look him in the eye as I moved my eggs around my plate. I could practically feel his intense gaze on me, so I peered up at him to come face to face with a blushing, wide smiling, Gon. Cute.

“Good because I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t have a crap ton of sexual experience, so you can teach me.”

“Wait you want me to teach you how to have sex?” An amused smile falls on my face at his wording.

“I mean… yeah, and what’s a better way to do that than with someone you trust. Right?” I hummed in response, not knowing what to say right away. I could barely focus seeing Gon shirtless and covered in the marks I made. It had my head spinning.

“I guess you’re right, but it isn’t something you, like, learn how to do per say. Everyone is different in what they like and don’t like, so I can help you learn what you like. Any future boyfriend you have is going to be different.” I felt my heart clench at the thought of Gon dating some other guy, but played it off with a harsh stab at some eggs.

Gon gave me a weary glance at the way I stabbed my food, but it morphed into an innocent smile. “Well I’m glad I’m with you then. I’m kinda curious about what you’re into.”

I choked on my food for the second time this morning at his initial statement and harshly blushed at what they implied. “I’m not exactly going to tell you, so let’s just focus on what you like.”

“But I want to make you feel good too!” I’ve pretty much gotten used to the strawberry face I was presenting now and probably the rest of the day. It was inevitable.

“Just shut up and eat your food.” He pouted at my words, but complied as he finished off his food. “On the other hand, let’s lay down some rules or whatever. In order for this to truly work as some sort of like friends with benefits or some shit, some boundaries need to be set. ”

“Like what?”

“Well to start out, we’re both exclusive to each other until we break it off.” I took a sip of my coffee, letting the warm liquid relax me as I draped my head to rest on the back of the couch. “But that’s an obvious one considering everything, so I’ll shoot you some more since I don’t think you know what you’re actually getting yourself into.”

Bringing my head back up to look at Gon, I ignore my blush and put on a serious face. He looks as if he’s intensely listening to what I have to say which only ups my confidence in making this work. “One, this isn’t a relationship, so stay emotionally neutral. Try not to fall for my devilish looks too hard.”

I offered a teasing smile while he rolled his eyes and chuckled. “Two, it’s casual so we don’t have to talk about it often as it has no label to say. Three, I might be a horny person, but that doesn’t mean I wanna do it twenty four-seven. Four, understand that these things aren’t meant to last. If either of us, most likely you, finds someone else, then we break this off immediately. I’m not trying to mess with your feelings or personal life here. Five, if you don’t like something don’t be afraid to say something. Questions?”

“Okay, wait let me think.” Gon brought his finger to his chin as he processed my words. My mind wanders off to my own guidelines, _‘...stay emotionally neutral…’, these feelings will go away in no time, I’m sure of it. Even if they don’t, I just gotta hide it._ “Okay so what if one of us is horny and the other isn’t?”

“Gon, are you stupid? We don’t do anything or we could just help the other out or whatever. I’d never force myself on you dumbass and it doesn’t always have to be sex.” That was the stupidest question he could’ve possibly asked. I shook my head at his idiocy and chuckled to myself.

He crossed his arms as a pout formed on his lips. “Well it may seem stupid to you, but I just didn’t know you’re preferences. Consensual non-consensual is a thing.”

“That’s-... I-... okay.” I had to bite my tongue to prevent going off on him. “You really are something special. Anything else?”

“Yeah. Why’d you assume that I’d be the one to find someone else? You’re a very good looking person Killua and I’m pretty sure everyone throws themselves at you. Don't be so hard on yourself.” _Is he… judging my lack of confidence or some shit?_

“I’m not insecure about my looks or anything, stupid. Considering the amount of people that throw themselves at me, I’m not that insecure in that category. I just avoid relationships because I like staying in control of my own emotions and I just can’t love _right_.” I brushed off the topic like it was nothing with a sip of my coffee as he looked at me urgently, obviously wanting to interject. “Anyways, aside from those rules, everything else is fine. We can try whatever you want. I’ll give whatever kink your little, innocent heart desires at least one try. If either of us doesn’t like something, then we’ll just say so. Sex is just sex, just like how video games are video games. Everyone plays with different strategies yet wants the same result. No emotional attachment aside from maybe frustration - sexual frustration in this case.”

Gon looked at me like I had grown five heads. “How have you never grown emotional attachment? You had sex with Machi for around two years. How’d that not develop into something more?”

Instantly feeling slightly judged, I hid behind my mug as I stared at the steaming liquid that was slowly turning lukewarm. “Well I never found sex emotional in the first place. It’s like playing a game or a sport or some shit. On top of it we were just friends and there just never was anything aside from physical attraction there. I’ve also never consecutively stuck with someone like that aside from her, and it wasn’t like we were exclusive either. Anyone else was just a one-night stand or something.

“I believe that she went into being fuck buddies with the intentions of a long-term relationship, and that’s why it sounded like she was hurt over the phone. I really do feel bad and I plan on actually talking to her eventually, but I talked to her about this stuff before we did anything - well aside from the first time, as you know.”

I stood up and the dark green head of hair was found in between my fingers as I threaded them through looking at him with honest eyes. “Just don’t break the rules and everything will physically stay in order. It’s the emotions that usually get people, so just promise to stay my friend through all of this, even if we break it off. It might’ve only been a short while so far, but I’ve grown attached to you and I don’t wanna fuck up our friendship over sex like I did with Machi. On top of it, we’re roommates so it’d be awkward if we fought over something like this. Really think about this before just diving in.”

With that I picked up his plate and stacked it on top of mine, bringing them to the kitchen sink to start cleaning - knowing that I need to take my own advice into consideration too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> School is handing my ass to me, so that's nice. I'll try to update the next chapter as soon as possible. I've already started it and it's not quite playing out how I want it to... idk maybe I'm just weird. 
> 
> Thank you for the all the support I've gotten recently; I love reading all of your comments and the feedback y'all have given me. Anyways, I hope everyone has had a good day so far!
> 
> Tootles!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The one where they give in.

Since then, everything has been going smoothly for the past couple days now. Our friendship remained the same aside from a closer spark that has formed between us. Though we haven’t really done anything, the air between us still feels different.

Less was awkward now and I felt more like myself - less guarded.

I’m still waiting for the word of confirmation that he really wants that sort of relationship, but I’m in no rush. Going cold turkey, for the most part, has been pretty doable despite being pent up twenty-four seven.

I might be treading on dangerous ground here, but the light feeling I’m my chest still has yet to go away. It honestly surprises me as the usual routine with feelings is they come and go within a day or two, but this is different. I find myself longing for the little things like soft touches, deeper conversations, or even just the presence of him in the room. Gon drives me insane in the most intoxicating way possible.

But I figured, as long as I don’t bring it up or let them affect how we interact, then it should be fine. Right? _Right_. I’m not gonna break my own rule.

It’s already Thursday into the first week of school, and so far, Alluka’s been adjusting well considering she’s coming from online classes since elementary. We both have morning classes today, and I agreed to meet with her at a nearby café so we could do whatever work we had. I have a feeling that this school year will be interesting, especially with her around.

I sat down at one of the tables after getting my drink, ignoring the occasional stares I got, and waited for Alluka. Her class got out fifteen minutes later than mine, so I didn’t waste any time waiting and pulled out my music notebook and got to work.

Sometimes lyrics just flowed out of my head and onto the paper naturally and right now was one of those times - though it was more personal. Ever since I was young, writing down my feelings was something that let me stray away from them when I was around my family, but still maintain the feeling of being an actual human being. I had to constantly remind myself that I’m more than their forced profession, and putting it into the form of music made everything that much easier.

I jotted down some lyrics, thinking about what flowed and how I wanted it to sound. This song wasn’t for the band. In fact, it’s more of a personal one that I’d like to keep to myself and not share with anyone. I might be in a rock band of sorts, but this is considerably the complete opposite - a piano ballad - and eventually I’ll turn it to be playable on the acoustic guitar. As I sat with my pencil in hand, I got lost in my thoughts and scrapped whatever I had in my head down.

Alluka eventually pulled out a chair across from me, jerking me out of my thoughts as I looked up to see that it was, in fact, her. “Hey brother! Sorry for getting here late, were you waiting long?”

“Don’t worry about it ‘Luka.” A soft smile made its way to my face as she started to pull out her computer. “Do you want anything to eat or drink?”

“Hmmm… you pick something for me. Make it sweet.” She laughed lightly with the statement and I waited in line to order.

Coming back to the table, she wore a concentrated face with her eyebrows scrunched together and the subtle blue light from the screen lit up her features. “What’re you working on?”

“I decided to make a sort of schedule for myself so I can stay on track with assignments and classes. You know how procrastinating I can get.” A shy chuckle escaped her lips as she rested her head on her palm. “I want to manage myself better.”

“Awww look at you being responsible for once.” I teased her as she told me to shut up and go back to doing whatever.

After some time passed in comfortable silence, Alluka spoke up again, but this time with a hint of unsureness in her voice. “Hey brother…?”

“Yeah?” I looked up at her concerned since she sounded a little distant and low.

“Can we go shopping this weekend?”

“Uhhh yeah?” I looked at her skeptically. “Did something happen?”

“Well not really… do you think my clothes are weird?” I looked her in the eye as I watched her slightly cave in on herself while looking down at her outfit.

I’ve never been the best at comforting people and it’s obvious something was playing in her head, so I did what any brother would, or should at least. “I think you look beautiful in anything, but if it really bothers you then we can go shopping if you wanna try a different style or something.”

“Really?” A wide smile plastered on her face as she started to type away on her computer - probably looking at Pinterest for ideas. “You’re the best brother.”

I bit my lip trying to refrain from asking anymore questions. She dodged my question the first time and if it was really important then I know she’d tell me. _Right?_

“Yeah yeah whatever. Has any of your teachers listed any more textbooks for your classes? If so, we should order them before going out.”

“Thankfully, the rest of the books I need are online and the teacher is posting them.” I let out a sigh of relief at the news of less money spent on useless shit we won’t need in less than a year.

“Thank whatever god is out there. No more money spent on books for this semester.” I dramatically flew a hand on top of my head as Alluka giggled.

“You’re so extra sometimes brother.”

“Textbooks are one of the biggest dents in my wallet ‘Luka, don’t even go there.”

After some time passed, we made our way over to my dorm to play Mario Kart on the consol, boredom catching up to us. As soon as I turned the key to open the door, Ikalgo came stumbling down the hallway and darted toward us right after he saw me.

“Hey Killua!” I pushed the door open, rolling my eyes at his excitement, and motioned both of them inside, closing the door behind me.

“What’re you here for?”

“I just wanted to hang out for a bit, I finished today’s classes and now I’m pretty bored.” I went into the fridge, grabbing three waters, and tossed one to each of them. “Is this your cute sister?”

“Don’t even think about it.” I said bluntly as Alluka’s slight shyness turned into a broad smile.

“Hey I’m Alluka! You must be Ikalgo, right? Killua’s told me a lot about you.” They smothered each other in a friendly hug as I glared, making sure his hands were kept to himself.

“Oh, has he really?” Ikalgo’s smile seemed to get wider as he threw an arm around my waist and leaned his head on my shoulder in the side hug. “I feel special now. Killua looovvvessss meeee.”

My face lit up as I instantly pushed him away not even bothering to be gentle, feeling a bit awkward from the physical contact. A pout formed on my flushed face as I mumbled to more myself than the other two people in the room. “I guess I care about you. Don’t be weird about it.”

Alluka laughed at my reaction before bouncing over to the tv and yanking out three of the four controllers. A smile played at my lips as we all got into our favored positions: Alluka being on the floor while Ikalgo and I were on the couch.

Within a matter of minutes, we were all sprawled out as we chose our characters with Ikalgo taking the longest to decide. “Killuaaaa help me pick. Should I do Donkey Kong or Bowser?”

“I don’t give a shit, just pick one and let's get on with it.”

He let out a strained, dramatic sigh as he flung his limbs and whined like a child. _This fucking idiot._

“Fine just pick Bowser, he looks cooler.” I rolled my eyes, but instantly turned irate as he picked Donkey Kong. “Are you fucking kidding me?! You spent all that time whining and didn’t even pick the one that you asked me to pick? You fucking moron!”

I tackled him on the couch as he laughed at my overreaction. As the game started to load and the countdown started, I tried my best to block his vision with my own controller as Alluka chuckled at our antics. “Brother, don’t be so mean.”

“Yeah Killua, listen to your sister and fuck off.” I’ve never wanted to punch someone more.

The game started and I instantly chucked a shell at the Donkey Kong character, causing him to rapidly spin out. “Killua, you’re a petty asshole.”

“It’s my specialty,” We both found ourselves spread out and hastily grabbing at each other to mess the other up, “especially since you pissed me off.”

The game carried out like that and in the midst the front door flung open. I spared a glance to see a surprised, amused, yet confused looking Gon watching us. Ikalgo and Alluka muttered a ‘hey’, but instantly focused back onto the screen. “Hey Gon, how were classes?”

“It went pretty well actually.” I looked over at the screen and watched as we played each other. “How’s this going for ya?”

My eyes stayed on the screen and occasionally drifted to the Ikalgo and Alluka’s portion to check up on their placement. Noticing Ikalgo was pretty much riding my ass, he inched closer and I unleashed a banana peel, making him spin out again. Ikalgo instantly got up in a haste and tackled me to the couch in an attempt to mess me up. “KILLUA I SWEAR IF YOU KEEP TARGETING ME IM GONNA FUCK YOU UP SO BADLY YOU WONT BE ABLE TO PREFORM AT THE NEXT SHOW!!!”

I laughed at his empty threat and flipped us around and sat on his stomach, still facing the tv, legs dangling over the edge of the couch. “Sounds kinky. Stop being such a sore loser.”

“I'M THE SORE LOSER?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! YOU’RE THE ONE DOING THIS BECAUSE I DIDN’T GO WITH THE CHARACTER YOU PICKED!”

I instantly got in his face as his words triggered me. “IF YOU’RE GONNA ASK WHICH CHARACTER TO GO WITH, AND THEN CHOOSE THE OPPOSITE ONE I SUGGESTED, THEN YEAH I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE PETTY YOU FUCKING IMBECILE!”

Neither of us noticed when the game finished as Alluka stood up and did a victory dance, winning first place with Toadette having a shining first place sign above her. Ikalgo and I both threw our heads back in defeat. My head hit the back of the couch and as I opened my eyes, I noticed Gon nearly hovering over my face from leaning on it. Startled, I yank my head back up with a slight blush on my face. I felt Ikalgo laugh to himself, probably due to my reaction, from under me before he shoved me off to readjust himself. “Shut up fucker. This is all your fault. If you weren’t such a dumbass loser, then I could’ve won.”

“Killua… I’m so getting Meruem and Uvogin to gang up on your pale ass with me.” He rubbed a hand over his face, previously looking ready to attack me, but then backing off.

I chuckled at his empty threat with an eyeroll. “Yeah okay, good luck with that. Meruem will be too busy being lovesick over Komugi to even process what you’re saying and Uvogin is too busy with football for us.”

“Meruem is the drummer, right?” Gon questioned with curious eyes and Alluka’s interest peaked at the words too.

“Yeah, he scored a date with this girl that he’s been after for the past like year or some shit.” I leaned back into Ikalgo as he threw his arm over my shoulder. “She kept on rejecting him because she thought he was just going to use her, which couldn’t be further from the truth. Meruem is probably one of the most down to earth people I’ve ever met when it comes to relationships and stuff.”

“OH oh oh, remember when he started cheering in practice that one time when Komugi liked his photo on Instagram?!” Ikalgo erupted into laughter and I soon followed after remembering the occurrence.

“He was so excited, that he bought us all choco-robos to celebrate!” I managed to say between breaths as our faces were turning red from laughing too hard. Alluka and Gon looked at us like we were crazy, but remained amused nonetheless. “I swear he was gonna tear the garage apart if we didn’t get him out of there on time - he went on a rampage!”

“Brother, you’re such a sucker for choco-robos. I bet you made sure to take advantage of that.” Alluka said more to herself than everyone else before Ikalgo chipped in.

“You are completely correct. Killua got like thirty boxes and then took some of mine, he’s such a rat.” Ikalgo said after dying down his laughter and then teased me with a poke on the cheek.

“Are those fightin’ words fish face?” I sent a death glare his way while Alluka giggled at the interaction and Gon’s eyes lingered on the contact between Ikalgo and I.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

I watched as the bag of popcorn kernels rotated continuously in the microwave, getting lost in the motion as words were flowing through my head. My song book rested on the counter while I stared at the taunting orangish light that lit up in the appliance, pencil bouncing off my chin as I tapped it over and over.

_Why is this so fUCKING HARD?!_

It’s odd how I know exactly what I want to say but can’t seem to form it into writing. Lyrics usually come easily, but the topic has me stuck. My _feelings_ have me stuck.

My eyes instantly focused as the microwave let out three harsh beeps signaling the shit was ready.

“Popcorn done?” Gon’s head popped in with the question as was taking it out.

“No. The microwave just beeps after four minutes of running and I haven’t put it in yet.” My voice went flat as I deadpanned at him and threw a piece into my mouth. “You have to wait another four minutes.”

Gon rolled his eyes and stalked over to me to grab a piece before I poured it all into a big bowl. “Hardy har har, you’re so funny Killua.”

Despite the sarcasm, he wore a wide smile on his face. He went to grab the bowl from me and sparks flowed through my fingers as his brushed against mine. I slightly jolted back as he raised a questionable eyebrow at the action, but brushed it off as he walked toward the common area.

“Did you pick something to watch?” I followed after him and grabbed a big blanket for us to share. “If it’s a stupid one that we’re placing a bet on again, I’ll have a hard pass.”

“Nah I just picked a cheesy rom-com this time.” I watched as his dark hair fell back onto the armrest of the couch. As soon as I hobbled over he scooted aside and made room for me.

I grunted in response and plopped down next to him before he slugged himself against me. We remained sprawled out as the movie began to play - basic plot and all. Out of boredom, I decided to look over at Gon and saw him enthralled with the screen. The light casted a blue hue to his face that placed shadows among his prominent features.

I snapped out of my trance as soon as I heard a moan come from the sound system. I looked down as Gon’s face flushed while the scene carried on. “Hey Killua…”

“Yeah Gon?” My voice came out a little shallow as my breathing faltered. The heavy breathing and moaning coming from the screen was one thing, but having Gon nuzzled perfectly into my side with heavy blush mixed into the process was starting to get to my head - and dick.

“I’ve been thinking about the whole… friends with benefits thing, and I wanna do it.” Our eye contact left an intense feeling in my gut equivalent to flips. His lips parted ever so slightly, and I couldn’t help but let my eyes linger down to them before darting back up to his eyes.

“A-Are you positive?” I felt my breathing become slightly uneven as I noticed his eyes go dark at the question. He twisted to get on his hands and knees to crawl over and take place sitting on my lap.

“Yeah, I’m positive.” Despite the heavy blush and hungry look in his eyes, he still came across as shy and innocent, and all I wanted to do was completely destroy that image. He chuckled nervously to himself but then peered up at me with a content smile. “So how is this going to go Killua?”

_Well for starters, I want to pin you to the wall and fuck the shit out of you, especially when you make that face. I can’t concentrate and all I want to do is run my fingers down every inch of your body, but I can’t do that just yet._

I hoisted him up with my hands under his thighs from the couch, the movie long forgotten, and he instinctively wrapped his legs around my waist while letting out a subtle gasp. Chuckling darkly, I looked at him in his beautiful eyes before bringing my lips to his cheek and slowly trailing them to his lips. I instantly got lost in the taste of him as his soft lips moved perfectly against mine. With my mouth still on his, I navigated my way to his bedroom with ease, kicked the door open and shut behind me, and threw him onto the bed.

“How about we take our time with this, yeah? You said you don’t have a ton of sexual experience, so I’ll go easy on you Gon.” An instant blush overcame both of our faces, but I dove into his neck and nipped at his ear anyways - any traces of embarrassment tossed aside. “How about we start with finding that sweet spot of yours...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: *has a million assignments and a research paper due Sunday*
> 
> Also me: *writes a long ass chapter and has to cut it in half so the spice is reserved for the next update* 
> 
> ⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
> 
> Hello everyone! I hope you enjoy the new update and I plan on having the next one up sooner rather than later (it's literally one long ass sex scene so... hehe)! I've loved reading all the comments you guys have left and I can't wait for more feedback on my writing, so if you feel like it, be virtually vocal. I love talking to everyone and hearing what y'all have to say!
> 
> As always, have a lovely rest of your day! Tootles! <3


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one with a little spice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is purely nsfw so... yeah - just a nice little warning <3

“How about we start with finding that sweet spot of yours...”

Trailing my lips down his neck, I pressed soft open mouth kisses to his skin and lightly nibbled every so often, whimpers surfacing at the action. It wasn’t until my head was stuffed into his nape that I heard a prominent, breathless gasp escape his lips. I immediately dragged my teeth along his soft spot as a whine surfaced from his throat. “How do you feel about hickies Gon?”

The way his chest rose and fell with eyes glazed over made me want to lose control and just go all out, but I waited for a response despite him clearly struggling to surface it. “I - um - I don’t m-mind.”

“Good.” I instantly latched myself to the area and swirled my tongue along the surface, biting and sucking at the skin until it bruised. The whole time gasps of breath and my name surfaced from his mouth over and over. I brought my hand up to grab his jaw and gently maneuvered him to face the other way with his head back - opening up the area for more access.

“K-Killua, stop teasing me already…” his voice trailed off as I smirked against his neck. I began to trail hickeys all down his collarbone despite his whines for me to slow down. I could feel his dick pressing against my leg as one of my own was lodged in between his, and I used my body to press down into him, enticing a choked out moan. “F-Fuck Killua…”

He’s so hypersensitive and I can’t wait to use that against him.

I detached from his neck and lifted up from above him. Gazing into his eyes, I could see tears starting to form at the creases as he painted heavily. I chuckled at his state, but couldn’t help the adoration from sinking into my eyes. “You look so cute right now.”

“W-What?!” A shocked and embarrassed shriek escaped his lips which had me laughing at his reaction. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him get so embarrassed, it was kind of refreshing. I’m used to always being the one getting teased and flustered easily, so seeing him like this had me bundling over.

After calming down a bit, I settled my eyes on the soft smile he wore as he looked up at me. “I said the face you’re making is cute right now. I wish I could make you see for yourself.”

He blushed at the words but didn’t look away. “Well you look pretty hot hovering over me like this Killua. I can’t help it when you’re turning me on so much, yet won’t get on with it. How about you stop teasing me, hm?”

I didn’t have time to react before he pulled my head down to be level with his by his arms wrapped around my neck. The second his lips made contact with mine, sparks ran through my system as we kissed hungrily. I bit his bottom lip and shoved my tongue in his mouth as the action made him shudder. I couldn’t help but let a deep moan into his mouth as he lifted his leg to press against my dick.

I put my hand on the back of his head and guided him up so I could take both of our shirts off, throwing them somewhere in the room. As soon as the material was stripped, I let my hands roam around his torso and I traced every outline of muscle that I could. All the way from his shoulder blades to the dip of his v-line, not a single bit untouched. I admired him with my eyes closed as my tongue continued to lavish every corner of his mouth. Nothing has ever felt this good, he tasted like a sweet aphrodisiac and the way his tongue danced against mine was hungry and left me wanting more.

But I wanted to take my time. Every part of me screamed to take him right here and now, but I want this to feel special even if we aren’t a couple. It’s still his first time, so I want to make this especially good.

Gon’s hands roamed around my shoulders and chest as I laid him down on his back. Instantly remembering the other night, I detached my mouth from his and teased one of his nipples between my fingers. A cute squeak left his mouth and he immediately brought up a hand to cover it. I chuckled lightly at the action and let him have this one as I dipped down and brought his other one into my mouth playing with both at the same time.

Relishing in the gasps and moans that surfaced was all I could do as I played with the bud between my teeth. “K-Killu-a, stop I can’t... “

A grin formed on my lips at his weak protest and I pulled away to give him time to catch his breath. _Fuck_ he looks so beautiful.

I closed my eyes as I pointed my head up toward the ceiling to catch my own breath. Gon slightly shifted from under me and managed to rub the hard-on I was sporting underneath my sweatpants. A groan slipped past my lips and I tried not to pay attention to the friction. Gon was turning me on so much that I wouldn’t be surprised if I came from just one more glance at him.

A few moments passed by with the only sound being heavy breathing and I opened my eyes to look down at my roommate who was staring intently at my chest. I questioningly watched with a lifted eyebrow as his eyes danced across before they eventually settled on mine. His eyes were heavy as his smile somehow remained shy and I couldn’t help the way my heart skipped a beat at the sight.

“I don’t know if this is weird to say, but your tattoos are turning me on even more than you already are.” I slugged back against his pillow as I felt myself turn red all over again. He did nothing to hide his laugh at my reaction, which only made it get worse.

“W-Whatever…” I turned away from him with a defensive pout and heavy blush.

“I’m serious…” His tone suddenly changed into a suggestive one and he got up on his hands and knees to crawl into my lap. “It makes me want to leave my own permanent marks all over you.”

My back made contact with the wall as he sat in my lap with his legs on each side of me and his arms wrapped around the back of my neck. The sudden surge of confidence caught me off guard, but a cocky smirk took form on my lips as I noticed his face was still flushed. “You know… if you keep dragging me in like this, I won’t be able to hold myself back anymore baby~.”

“You’re so lucky… that this is your first time…” I took a break between my words as I pressed more open mouth kisses to his neck and mumbled against his skin. “Otherwise… I hope you know… I wouldn’t be against… breaking you right now.”

Next thing I know, Gon’s whimpering is my new favorite sound; not that I really had one in the first place, but hearing him lose himself in submission had my whole body feeling like it was on fire.

“F-Fuck Gon… you’re so fucking hot like this.” My hips instantly bucked up into his and he slowly grinded in my lap, almost like he was scared that if he moved too quickly he’d cry. I nipped at his jawline before pulling back to see tears picking at his eyes once again. His eyebrows were drawn together and his mouth hung slightly open in a pant. As soon as we made eye contact I found myself starstruck at the sight. I dove back into his neck as he grinded into my clothed dick with more shaky whimpers being released right next to my ear. I got lost in the scent of musk and Gon’s cologne and attacked his skin with my teeth - abusing his sweet spot. “Gon… I want… to fuck you so badly… you won’t be able to sit down properly tomorrow.”

I pushed him back against the bed, took his pants and boxers off, stripped my own, and put him back on my lap. No time to waste with shitty clothes being in the way. Both of our erections were flushed together and I couldn’t help but slug my head back at the sensation. I reached my hand between us and wrapped my fingers around both of our dicks, starting to jerk off to relieve some of the pressure. Gon latched his teeth onto my neck harshly and I allowed a strained moan to escape as I bucked up into my fist and rubbed against him. I ran my thumb over the tips of both our dicks and smeared the strings of pre-cum around to get them more slick.

Gasps and moans filled the room as the angry red lines that Gon trailed down my back had me wincing in pleasure and getting turned on even more. Gon is the most intoxicating person I’ve ever been with and in more ways than one.

His whole torso was flushed against mine, granted the space for my hand, and I could feel both of our hearts pounding in sync. As he had his mouth forming hickies down my neck, I trailed my own soft kisses along his shoulder and shuddered as he mumbled praises against my skin. “Killua… so good… you feel so good… want you… inside… fuck me… please please please…”

The words made me want to rush to continue, but I held my ground and responded with gentle kisses despite the fucked out tension between us. Gon’s legs were shaking around me as the fluids gushed between us and the tan male in my arms suddenly started to grow more impatient. “D-Don’t stop Killu! Keep g-going! I-I’m gonna… I’m gonna cu-!”

His own words got cut off as cum splattered onto both of our chest and down my abs. I paid no mind to it as I found myself entranced with the boy who was now putty in my hands. A few stray tears streamed down his face and he gasped for air while tugging me closer. My head was cradled in his arms as my forehead was firmly planted onto his chest. It felt as if he was holding onto me for his own dear life and the desperate behavior had my rock hard dick twitching between us.

Without warning, I swiped a bunch of the white substance off of my chest and stomach and covered my fingers in it, bringing them to his entrance, and swirling my middle finger around the rim of his butthole. Gon managed to squeeze my head tighter and I felt him let out a shaky breath into my hair. “This is going to feel weird at first, might even hurt, but it’ll get better I promise. Let me know if you ever want me to slow down or stop.”

Slowly, I sunk my middle finger into the hole and failed to suppress a moan at how tightly he was sucking my finger in. _Fuck… I’d love to sit back and watch him slowly suck in a whole dildo - watch him lose his mind from a different angle. Let’s not get kinky now Killua… maybe another time._

He let out a whine of discomfort and I tried my best to slow down even more. “It’s alright baby… I need you to relax… it’ll be okay.”

“S-Shit Killu…” I could practically hear the way he squeezed his eyes shut and bit his bottom lip. Once my finger was all the way inside, I slowly started to pull out and I watched, mesmerized with the sight of how he wrapped around my finger perfectly.

Gradually, I went faster and pumped my finger in and out as he arched against me. His arms loosened around my head and he pulled back a little to look at my face. He threw his head back with a moan after I added another finger mid-eye contact. He cupped my face between his hands and instantly brought his forehead to mine with his eyes tightly pinched shut. “Hey baby, come here and look at me. I wanna see all of you.”

The words left my mouth before I could cover the weird tone laced with them and he looked at me wide eyed. I used the unguarded moment to shove in a third finger and he instantly gasped and started to fuck himself onto them. Gon planted a hungry kiss against my lips and moaned into my mouth, sending vibrations through my whole body.

I never want this feeling to end.

His light bouncing met the base of my palm as I shoved my fingers in and out and spread his hole apart. His tongue swirled with mine in something that felt like more than just lust and hunger, and I found myself indulging in the feeling that sparked in my chest. I felt so light and everywhere Gon touched me and moved his hands had my skin feeling like it was on fire.

Pulling apart, I refused to make eye contact with him, scared of what my eyes would be telling him, and focused on the cum that was still left over between us. I took my hand out of him, scooped it up, and lubed up his hole all over again, this time in search of his prostate.

I didn’t bother pushing my fingers into him gently as he was already looser and open. As my fingers were completely sheathed in his hole I gave him a brief cocky smirk that fully met my eyes with confidence. “Gon, baby, I can’t wait to fuck you up.”

The slight fear that passed his eyes had me smirking even wider. I instantly curled my fingers inside of him and rubbed against his walls in search of the bundle of nerves that would send him over the edge. After a few thrusts, I found the spot as the flesh felt different from the rest of his insides and he let out a breathy moan into my shoulder. “Ahhh… wait! Killua!”

I attacked the spot and kneaded my fingers around and over it with haste and he clutched his nails into my back once again. I groaned at the way he scratched the angry lines into my skin and tightened his ring of muscle around my fingers at the same time. His dick was instantly hard and leaking pre-cum all over again and I groaned as it made contact with my own, soaking it.

A dark chuckle escaped my lips and into his collarbone as I bit down and he quickly became fucked out on the digits inside him. This is quite the sight.

After a few more thrusts, I pulled my fingers out and he instantly whined at the loss of contact. “Oh don’t be like that baby… I got a whole dick to shove inside you in just a moment.”

I smirked at the whine that left his mouth at my words as I swiftly brought my hands up to push his back onto the bed and hovered over him. I leaned back slightly and grabbed his dick and jerked him off slowly. Enough pre-cum was released between the both of us to sport a whole bottle of lube alone, and the messiness of the position was all the more exciting. The large amount of fluid that leaked into my hand was generously lathered on my dick and I peered up as Gon was looking at me with a mix of hunger and nervousness. I didn’t mean to be annoying with the topic, but I had to be sure. “Gon, now’s your time to back out if you want to. Once I start, I don’t think I can stop. I haven’t cum once and I just wanna fuck the shit out of you. Now’s your chance, it won’t be weird if you say no now.”

It took everything in me to even suggest not continuing and I pinched my eyes shut at the possibility. I felt like I was going to lose control any second now and when I looked up to see Gon’s stupidly beautiful eyes looking at me like I was one of the world’s great wonders I couldn’t restrain myself anymore.

I didn’t wait for a verbal answer, his eyes told me everything I needed to know.

I pressed my hands to the back of his thighs and brought his knees up to his chest comfortably with an unintentional growl leaving my mouth. I paid no mind to it as I tried to carefully eased the tip of my dick into his entrance and let out a moan as I pushed further inside up until the base. When I heard a quiet wince come from under me I halted in my tracks and released a shaky breath. “You okay?”

“Y-Yeah, just give me a second.” Gon’s position had me glued to him as his arms were to the side gripping the sheets like a life line and his head was thrown back in a tense manner. I couldn’t help myself as I slowly lowered myself closer to him and trailed light kisses along his chest and shoulders.

“You’ve been doing so good baby. I know this can be a painful process and seeing you take this so well has me so proud of you. You’re so fucking good _Gon_.” I murmured the words into his skin as if that could engrave them into him. I can’t help but find every imperfection to be perfect. With a few more light kisses, I felt Gon’s hand sift through my hair and then suddenly grab the locks into a fist. He gently pulled my head back to look at him, searching for something in my eyes, and then lowered my face back into his shoulder as he brought his mouth level to my ear.

“You know Killua… at your show I couldn’t help but be completely glued to the way you lost yourself in the music. The way you looked when you completely let go and became more yourself as you did something you have an obvious passion for was so fucking hot, amazing, and… and I was speechless. I am speechless as I see more and more of you. You take my breath away.” The tone in his voice puzzled me and a heavy blush scattered across my face as the praise went straight to my dick. “Where I’m going with this is… I want you to let go. You’ve treated me so well this entire time and all I want now is for you to lose it.”

I pulled back a little to look him in the eye and he dragged a finger across the large work of ink on my chest. “Come on Killua… fuck me already.”

There was no time for words to form as I dove my head into his collarbone and grounded myself with the grip in between my teeth. I didn’t hold back as I pulled out and instantly snapped my hips into him as deep as I could and repeated the motion over and over again. My mind felt hazy as the pressure between us was constantly releasing with every stroke and building in my gut all over again.

“Oooohhh f-fuck... Killu… just like that… keep going… don’t stop.” I thrusted into him as hard as I could and after a few more harsh pumps, I lifted his legs to around my arms and waist and grabbed one of his pillows to stuff under him. He seemed startled by the sudden frantic movement, but paid no mind to it when I thrusted into him at a different angle. My name left his mouth like a mantra in a stream of choked out moans, gasps, and whimpers as I pounded into his prostate over and over again. “Ohhhh _god_! Fuck! _K-Killua…_ right there! Don’t stop! Don’t stop! Never stop! God! Fuck I want you so bad!”

“Well aren’t you demanding for a little bitch that’s getting fucked into the mattress…” I felt my voice rumble deep in my throat and a dark chuckle left my lips as I looked at him like he should be devoured. Against my own wants and needs, I slowed my pace and grabbed his jaw with one hand and clutched his hip in the other forcefully. He looked at me with surprise and need as a whimper escaped his lips. I dragged my teeth along his jaw as more tears of pleasure rapidly fell down his face. “How about you ask me nicely, and maybe… just maybe I’ll do what you want.”

Gon’s back arched at the statement and the vibrations from his moan tickled my lips from his throat. “P-Please…”

“‘Please’ what?” I nipped at his neck every so often as a form of encouragement. “Come on, tell me what you want you little cockslut.”

“O-Oh… fuck~…” He pinched his eyes shut from under me and the blush ran down his cheeks and to his shoulders.

“Oh? You like that now?” I chuckled and then harshly sucked on his neck to form more marks. _Mine_. “Tell me what you are and maybe I’ll let you cum.”

“I-I’m… I can’t…” Gon brought his hands up to cover his face in embarrassment.

“Oh you can and you will… unless, you just don’t want me to finish you off…” I started to pull out further, but then halted as he grabbed onto my arm with a face that looked crossed between pain and pleasure.

“No stop. I want you.”

“Then tell me what you are. It’s not that hard baby.”

“I’m… a cockslut…” He finished the statement with a whimper and I decided to dig a little deeper.

“You’re a what?”

“Killua you fucking… I’m a cockslut.”

“I still can’t hear you…” I walked my fingers from his v-line up to his throat and waited.

“Fine! Fuck! I’m _your_ cockslut Killua!” He said the words in a breathless shout and I instantly wrapped my hand around his throat, squeezed my fingers to the sides so he could breathe, and plunged into him.

Gon instantly tightened around my dick and came with a scream, but I wasn’t through with him yet. I chased my own orgasm and edged around it as Gon was hard again and I held him by the neck and dick. Pumping him harshly in time with my frantic thrusts, he let out strings of moans, cursed, and whimpers. “Killua… too much… I can’t stop… cumming.”

“Just take it like the little fuck you are. Look at yourself… losing your mind on my dick like a fucking whore.” Gon started to push himself to meet my thrusts so I went even deeper and deeper into him. He let out incoherent moans and the only thing that I could make out was my name. “You’re such a good boy.”

With a few final strong thrusts, I saw white as I came inside of him and he let out a final scream of pleasure as cum shot out between us. I slowly pumped inside to release more pressure from my orgasm, and then pulled out and laid down right beside him.

Pulses ran through my body as our heavy breaths mixed together in the air. It took some time to eventually cool down and for our breathing to become steady at a normal pace. After some time, my head cleared out of its daze and heat rushed through my cheeks as I thought about everything I said.

_“Cockslut”… “good boy”… “whore”... what the hell was I saying?!_

I slowly turned toward him, feeling like I owed an apology.

“I’m sor-”

“That was am-”

We both looked at each other and laughed at the situation. Something about the air surrounding us felt wholesome despite everything that just happened. I found myself back in a daze as he chuckled from beside me. “You go first.”

“Oh ummm…” I instantly flamed up but tried to pull it off smoothly with an arm thrown over my face and the other rubbing the back of my neck. “Fuck it. I’m sorry for calling you all that shit. I don’t know what came over me. Is your neck okay?”

After receiving silence, I peaked out from my arm and saw Gon stifling a laugh. I instantly grew defensive and harshly turned away from him. “Don’t be a jerk about it! Stupid! I just thought you’d be offended or some crap!”

“That was the cutest thing you’ve ever done!” The honey eyed asshole rolled around on the bed clutching his stomach like he might die of laughter. I pouted and ignored the heat on my cheeks. “Killua you’re something else. We just had sex, I liked everything about what you did, and now you’re apologizing. Forget sex, even in daily conversation you’re all confident and the next second you’re embarrassed as hell. You’re so adorable!”

“I’m not adorable, idiot…”, was all I could manage from my mouth as I tried to ignore the way his words squeezed my heart strings and the fact that I had never fucked someone quite like that to begin with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm posting this chapter a little earlier than expected just because I practically wrote all of it when I finished with the last one. Originally, it was all one huge chapter, but I cut it in half. I hope you all enjoy!
> 
> Tootles! <3


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one in the garage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song - arms by christina perri
> 
> *slight nsfw at the end*

A groan slipped past my lips as I slouched onto the couch in the practice room. Today was tiring as fuck.

I spent the night fucking away with Freecss and then I woke up late for my morning classes. I’ve been dead all day and I’m just glad I get to spend the rest of it chilling in the garage and doing homework.

It’s been about a month since the friends with benefits thing started between Gon and I, and I’ve honestly never been so relaxed.

My chest aches sometimes when I think about how I’ll never truly have him, but I’ve been swallowing it down and moving on. I’m just happy to have him for the moments that I do, and to top it off, we’ve become closer than I ever imagined - not just physically. There’s never a dull moment with him no matter what, even when we have minor disagreements. Everything with him went naturally.

The phone in my pocket went off and I ripped my eyes from my assignment on the computer to check it.

_Freecss: omw, brought you a coffee_   
_Freecss: srry for keeping you up all night ;D_

_Killua: thanks, you know where you’re going?_

I rolled my eyes with a smile before sending the quick reply and looking up to see Ikalgo with a lifted eyebrow in my direction.

“Alright well I’m gonna head out guys.” Meruem slugged his backpack over his shoulder and stood up from his make-shift seat on one of the crates. “Komugi wanted to have another study date.”

The tan boy gave off a nervous, yet bashful, expression with flushed cheeks. A softer smile took form on my face while Ikalgo’s initial response, for some reason, was to burst out laughing. “Bro she’s really got you wrapped around her finger!”

“Oh leave him alone you slob.” I shoved him with my foot as he wasn’t planted too far off from me - textbooks and notebooks scattered in disarray. “It’s not like you’re showing any better in that category.”

“Says you, you fucking albino. At least I’m not emotionally constipated.” He threw a playful glare in my direction and started to come at me with a tackle.

I secured him at my side with an eye roll as he was thrashing against my arm hold. “Good luck man, you’ve got this. It’s been like a year and she said yes, so no need to be too nervous. That means she’s sure that she wants to try this out.”

“Yeah… yeah you’re right.” Meruem simply smiled with uncertainty before looking at the two of us with determination. He turned around with a slip in his step and turned to us from the door frame. “I’ll let you dumbasses know how it goes.”

I smirked at his words as it was obviously a sign he was loosening up a bit. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

“Yeah yeah…”, his voice trailed off as he chuckled and turned down the hallway to leave. “Tell Gon I said hi!”

Glancing down at Ikalgo, I released my hold and he flopped onto my lap dramatically. “Come on, move it. We both know you didn’t even touch your work. You just stared at it with a stupid looking blank face.”

“What?! How’d you know?!” Auburn hair slapped me in the face as he jolted up, still in my lap, and settled for resting his head in his arms. “Are you… secretly spying on me?”

“Ughhh don’t be a moron…” The statement immediately dragged a pout onto his lips as he looked up at me and started swaying his feet behind him. “I was gonna ask how it was going, because I know you, and you were busy looking at the paper like you were constipated or some shit.”

“Was not!”

“Mhm, I would know. I’m the one that had to look at your ugly face.”

“Take that back, I’m not ugly! You’re just mean!”

“Nah, I’m the nicest person on earth.” I deadpanned and he reacted with a ‘sure, whatever you say’ before flipping on his back and poking my nose with his pointer finger.

A grunt of surprise left my lips at the action, not expecting it, and I felt my cheeks heat up slightly from embarrassment. He softly chuckled and suddenly the eye-contact felt heavy as neither of us looked away. I felt my whole body freeze, not knowing what to do; it felt wrong to look away yet not receiving whatever message it was conveying felt wrong too. Ikalgo was never serious unless it came to extremely important things, so holding this kind of silent gaze was new. “Hey Killua?”

“Yeah?” My throat suddenly ran dry and the words came out in a hushed whisper.

He looked up at me with fondness and clear expectation. “Are you seein-?”

Before Ikalgo could finish the question, the door swung open as a staggering Gon came in walking backwards to push the door open - hands full with one holding a drink carrier and the other holding his own coffee.

“Sorry I’m a little late. I ran into my friend Knuckle and you should’ve seen the line at Sta…” His voice trailed off and I noticed him scrunch his brows in confusion as his gaze darted between both our faces and how Ikalgo was in the middle of reaching up to grab mine. “Am I interrupting something?”

“No, no, not at all.” Panic immediately struck my chest as his tone seemed shaky, probably, from what it looked like. Without thinking, I stood up to help Gon with the drinks and gave him the best reassuring smile I could. _Please don’t get the wrong idea Gon._ I heard Ikalgo let out a sigh and allowed my own annoyance to surface as an eye roll. “Let me get that since you’re a clumsy idiot sometimes.”

I tried my best to drown the thought of losing him and instead focused on the playful smirk sporting my face as he looked at me with an unreadable glint in his eyes. It quickly morphed into a small smile as he shook his head and rolled his eyes before handing me the drink carrier. “Yeah, yeah, whatever.”

“I didn’t know what you’d like, so I hope you’re good with a caramel frappuccino?” Gon gave Ikalgo a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes as I plucked the drink from the cardboard holder and gave it to him. _I’m definitely getting questioned later…_

“Thanks man! That’s sweet, remind me to pay you back.” Ikalgo threw around carefree energy, as if whatever that just was didn’t happen and sat down across the room from me on one of the beanbags.

“Oh, don’t worry about it, seriously.” Gon’s hands quickly shook in a passive manner as he dismissed the topic. He turned to me and shot a shy hand to the back of his neck with a blush. “And I know you like your chocolate, so that’s a double chocolate chip frappuccino with two shots of espresso.”

I tossed him a thankful smile as he plopped down on the adjacent sofa and set up his work. Ikalgo suggested a while ago to bring Gon to the garage, so we finally arranged that as we were all swarmed with assignments. With time, we all got into a comfortable groove of doing our work and occasionally making light conversation.

After about thirty minutes, I could tell Ikalgo was getting antsy and wasn’t going to hold out any longer. He has ADHD and it can get really bad when there’s no obligation to do something at that _exact_ moment. If something could be done at a later time, he’d do it at a later time. I glanced up at him to see him fiddling with his thumbs and staring intently at the fidget cube that he had rolling around his fingers.

“You need a break?” I voiced my concern, shattering the comfortable silence, as I knew he hated sitting still for too long.

“Nah, I should probably try to get this done right now, or I’ll be even worse off tomorrow.” I grunted at the words as Gon looked between us but didn’t say anything.

“Heyyyy Killuaaaa…?” Ikalgo dragged out his speech from across the room and I only glanced up from my computer after I finished typing out the last sentence of my paragraph.

“What’s up?” I set the device aside, knowing that it’s gonna be awhile before I actually start to work on it again, and slouched back against the couch.

“Can you sing us a songgg?” Ikalgo was stretched out sideways in a lazy manner and Gon chuckled at his demeanor. “I’m bored.”

“I thought you had a ton of shit to do _right now_.” I easily smiled at how quick he gave in and got up to get the acoustic.

“Shhhh we won’t talk about it. Let’s focus on what I have to do, at a later time.” He gave me a bright smile that had me rolling my eyes as I plopped back down on the couch. I diligently shifted through the crap in my bookbag and whipped out the notebook - the bands “holy scriptures” as Ikalgo likes to call it.

“Can you play something from the other notebook?” Gon’s piped up into the conversation and I hesitantly looked up at the suggestion. I raised a questioning eyebrow at him, knowing I’ve never mentioned my personal one. He gleamed at me in admiration and put his computer away. “You know, the one you’re always writing in when you make breakfast or something.”

“Other notebook?” Ikalgo motioned toward me with a questioning gaze. “Since when did you have all these songs you aren’t sharing with us? We’re a band man.”

“Well they’re kinda personal.” Ikalgo gently laughed at me as my face turned pink. Digging through my bag I brought out the other one that was much older in comparison and almost completely filled. “I don’t really want to perform them so… yeah, but I guess one is fine.”

I flipped through the pages and failed to decide on one to choose. There’s too many and they’re all too deep. It’s basically shoving my feelings on paper and the thought of singing it out loud is kind of nerve wracking.

“How about you do the one you’ve been working on recently?” Gon’s voice came out softer than normal as he looked at me with an excited expression.

“Do you just secretly spy on me or something?” I offered a nervous laugh as he immediately interjected with a pout.

“No, it’s just kinda hard to not notice when you’re whispering to yourself and frantically writing while in the middle of doing everyday things.” Gon said matter-of-factly. He turned to Ikalgo and “whispered” across the room. “It’s pretty creepy actually. You should see him. He’ll be washing the dishes and then darting to his room every five minutes. It’s weeeeiiirrrrdddd.”

“W-Whatever.” I rolled my eyes as they both stifled their laughing toward me. I started to strum the guitar and pick up the different sounds each string made - tuning it a bit.

“Alright so on a scale of one to ten, how personal is this one?” Ikalgo interjected the calming strum with his words and I let out a sigh of annoyance.

“Well if we’re putting it on a scale, everything in this notebook is from a six to a ten, while the songs I write for the band are between one and five.” I thought over the lyrics and played them over in my head - this one, honestly, being about Gon. “This one… I’d say it's an eight, so let’s not ask questions. Okay?”

I let out another breath and left no room for speaking as I started to strum the intro to the song. Trying my best to get comfortable, I slouched into the cushions, relaxed my shoulders, and closed my eyes. It’s much easier to not hold my voice back when I feel like I’m alone.

_“I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart_   
_But you came around_   
_And you knocked me off the ground from the start”_

I peacefully drowned into the sound that displayed from my fingertips and emotion in my own voice. This feeling is familiar as it’s the only genuine way I know how to express myself, without being a mess at least.

_“The world is coming down on me_   
_And I can't find a reason to be loved_   
_I never wanna leave you_   
_But I can't make you bleed if I'm alone”_

Getting lost in the music is something that I’ve always taken refuge in. When all of the shit was thrown my way, the one thing I could always count on was my own voice - whether it’s been looked down on or not.

_“You put your arms around me_   
_And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go”_

The song itself is to a lover, and the only person that has made me truly feel alive, without sex, is Gon. Not that I see him as a lover or anything, but I’m uncomfortably aware of my feelings for him and I’m even more aware of how they won’t be going away anytime soon. Gon’s just so… Gon. I want to be myself and show him everything, despite the fears I have that come with it. It’s proving to be difficult, I need time to figure myself out, but when I look at him, all I see is light at the end of the tunnel. That fact alone is making it really hard for me to get over him since I’ve never felt like that with one person.

_“I hope that you see right through my walls_   
_I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling_   
_I'll never let a love get so close_   
_You put your arms around me and I'm home”_

As I finished off the lyrics, I slugged my head back and continued the strum at the end. Finding peace in silence that came afterwards, I let out a shaky breath from the raw emotion I just released and opened my eyes to stare at the ceiling.

“And here I was thinking you just couldn’t feel shit, damn.” Ikalgo’s voice cut the silence and I couldn’t help but let out a scoff and chuckle at his blunt statement. “What? I’m just saying… you don’t express anything really deep or emotional unless you’re blackout drunk - which is like never - so hearing you sing about feelings is… different.”

“I’m gonna have to agree with him on that one.” Gon looked at me incredulously, but still maintained conversation. “I can never tell what you’re thinking. You’re like a wet sock sometimes.”

“How the fuck am I a wet sock?” I couldn’t help but chuckle at his words. Looking at him now… he just looks so beautiful. Here we are in a crusty ass (it’s not really that bad I’m just being dramatic) garage and he's gracing us with such a bubbly laugh and glowing eyes. For fucks sake I’m falling so hard.

“No no no, he’s more like a wet blanket, and when he actually shows his feelings, he’s like a wool blanket that came straight out of the dryer.” Ikalgo piped in .

Gon put his pointer finger to his chin in mock thought. “You couldn’t be more right. Killua’s all warm and homey when he’s actually allowing himself to not be so emotionally stuck.”

“You two are ridiculous…” I scoffed at the statements as they continued to compare me to various things, but I didn’t object since they’re true for the most part. “Well… I’m just not an emotional person.”

“Ohhh don’t even go there mister.” Ikalgo pointed his finger at me dramatically. “You’re like a teddy bear when you want to be. You should see it Gon. I’m telling you, this dude is soooo fucking funny drunk. He gets some sort of god complex one minute and then the next he’s spilling his whole life story. He’s straight up and honest when he’s drunk. That’s actually how he told me everything there is to know about him.”

“Yeah well at least I’m not an annoying fuck like you. You’re just loud and irritating.” I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms over my chest at his statement despite feeling somewhat uncomfortable. “And not everything. It’s not that big of a deal anyways.”

“Yeah yeah yeah, regardless, you’re still extra open when you’re on something.” He made a shooing motion in my direction with his hand. “On another note, you never told me you had a love interest. Who is it?”

“I don’t have one.” I started to play with my fingers in my lap and ignored both of their stares. “Besides, I said no asking questions, so stop reading into it.”

“I don’t believe it for a second. I declare that as bULLSHIT!” Ikalgo instantly stood up from the beanbag and ran to tackle me on the couch once again. “Tell me or I’ll tickle you!”

“But there’s nothing going on. You’d be tickling me for no reason.” I laughed at his reaction before he came to dance his fingers on my sides, forcing unwanted giggles to bubble from my throat.

“You can’t lie to my face like this. You’ve been different for like the past month. Is it still you-know-who?”

“I… said… no one…” I managed to kick him off of me and he ended up laughing on the floor while my face flamed red at the indirect mention of Gon - who was holding in his laughter on the couch. I huffed on the couch and tried to slow down my breathing subtly. “Stop jumping on me like that. One of these days, I’m gonna die because you’re so heavy.”

“Don’t even try acting like you can’t manhandle me if you truly wanted to. We both know you can physically hold me above your head.” I rolled my eyes as Ikalgo started to go into an in-depth story about how I threw him into a frat house pool when I was drunk to Gon.

Despite the newfound energy in the room, I couldn’t help but feel somewhat uncomfortable. Gon was definitely paying attention to Ikalgo intently with a smile on his face, but something in the air felt off - it almost made me want to cave in on myself.

Regardless, I chuckled at the excited expression my two closest friends held as they bonded in teasing and bullying me.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

“It was nice seeing you again Gon!” Ikalgo said with a wave as he left through one of the doors leading to a hallway inside of the bar. He instantly whipped around quicker than he left and turned to me urgently. “You have the key right?”

I chuckled as he started patting all of his pockets down and I brought my hand up after I took it out of my own. “Don’t be stupid. You gave it to me after I got here earlier.”

He breathed out a sigh of relief and started to walk off again, Gon making sure to say a parting. “Get back safely!”

A small smile formed on my lips at the sight of Gon’s friendly expression. We both still had a couple of assignments to finish up, so we held back a bit and got back into our groove.

Some time flew by with light conversation about school and such, but that all came to a halt when Gon snapped his laptop shut and stared at me until I looked up. “So, what happened with Ikalgo earlier?”

A breath shuddered out of my lips at his tone and suddenly I felt really small. “Nothing… happened.”

“Oh really…?” It’s not like I did anything wrong, but I felt like I did as his voice seemed to boom compared to mine despite the normal volume. Guilt leaked into my chest, but stopped as I froze in my spot. My fight or flight response was triggered when I looked at the primal way he was looking at me. Suddenly, Gon seemed bigger than me. He had a dark, cocky smirk displayed on his face and his eyes went darker as he narrowed them down at me. He had his legs spread and he leaned forward to balance his elbows on his knees, and head on his fists. “Are you lying to me Ki~llu~a?”

“N-No,” the way my name danced along his tongue had me frozen on my words, “I wouldn-“

“Well it sure looked like it to me.” He stood up from his spot on the couch and I found myself standing on my own two feet in response. What the hell am I thinking? _I’m_ the dominant one in this… whatever this is! He slowly made his way over to me and I didn’t make any effort to meet him halfway.

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you two were about to kiss.” I found myself inwardly gulping at the snarl he paired at the end of his words, but I stood my ground and looked at him with silent challenge, using the slightest height difference to my advantage. He instantly inched closer in response, leading me to take a step back, and gracefully land on the couch behind me. I was a little rattled from the sudden misjudgment, but I found my mind blanking as Gon reached down and held my chin in place while he put his mouth by my ear and licked the cusp of it. I let out an involuntary shudder at the action as I could feel him chuckle and smirk against my skin. “Good thing I do know better though, right? Killua’s a good boy after all.”

He pulled back completely and I could feel his gaze on the top of my head. I felt my hands hesitantly shaking as I looked down at them, not having anything else to do in order to avoid his eyes. Something in me felt odd and different, and I didn’t like how vulnerable I felt one bit. His words cut through my ego like a fucking samurai sword with butter - quick, clean, and sharp. I hated it with every part of me but I liked it… only because it was Gon.

“Right Killua?” His voice came out dark and taunting, nothing like the sweet voice he usually has - but I loved it nonetheless. “Look at me.”

The command felt like a slap to the face and I snapped my head up to make eye contact with him. I don’t know what expression I’m making. I only know that it’s not a natural one for me and that he likes it. Judging by the way he grabbed my hair harshly and forced my head back onto the couch cushion, I’d say he likes it a little too much even. I found myself closing my eyes as they rolled back at the sensation and failing to suppress a grin. God, this is too good. “That’s it. You might be a whore, but you're my whore. Right?”

A moan escaped my lips at his words and I suddenly felt breathless. The dick between my legs pressed tight against my jeans instantly and I inwardly groaned at the thought of being submissive. I struggled to maintain a clear mindset as my head went fuzzy, but tried my hardest to make sense anyways. “Don’t be s-stupid. People… there’s people on the other wall… errr side - other side of the wall.”

“I don’t remember saying I was going to do anything. Where was your mind going Killu?” Gon’s face instantly morphed into a smirk at my state, as I couldn’t respond with anything other than a groan, and he made his way to hover over me with his legs on both sides of my hips. “But that’s a pleasant surprise… they can get jealous over listening to the beautiful moans that I’m gonna get out of you. Hearing what they _can’t_ have.”

“G-Gon…” His name left my mouth with ease as he rubbed his thumb down the side of my neck in a soothing manner. “We can’t do this h-here.”

“I don’t care. I know _you_ want to, and I know _I_ want to, so what’s stopping us? No one’s going to come here aside from either Ikalgo or Meruem, right? They both left for the day already.” His smirk went wide and his eyes lit up as if he’d just figured out the world's biggest case. “Tell me Killua… you have a track record of fucking anything with legs, so have you and Ikalgo ever had sex? Maybe in this room?”

“N-no! He’s my friend!”

“And? So was Machi, from what you told me.” He leaned down, dowsing my senses in the smell of pine and his cologne, and nibbled at the sweet spot on my neck. “Judging by the position you two were in earlier, it seems you’re having trouble knowing who you belong to.”

“We never had s-sex and I don’t belong to anyone.” I tried to keep a straight face as I moved to cross my arms over my chest, but he grabbed my wrists with one hand and then my jaw in the other, squishing my cheeks.

With a heavy breath, he dove into my neck and sucked as hard as he could, biting hard enough to be on the border of pain and pleasure. A cry ripped through my throat at the sudden motion and I found myself whimpering at the mercy of his mouth. Gon trailed hickies all along my neck and collarbone, gently maneuvering around the fabric of my shirt. “Now tell me who you belong to.”

“Make me.” The words left my mouth before I could process them, yet I managed a scoff in his face. _If I’m gonna be some submissive bitch, then he’s gonna fucking work for what he wants._

He physically tensed against me at my words and raised up from his position. The grip on my wrists tightened and the hand around my throat became more sturdy. Looking up at him, I was surprised to see the excitement in his eyes as he let out a dark chuckle. “You surprise me more and more everyday… you’re amazing.”

I keened at the praise, but quickly swallowed it down. If he noticed, he didn’t say anything. “Well I’m Killua fucking Zoldyck, of course I’m amazing.”

The look of endearment tossed my way caught me off guard, but what threw me off even more was the swift motion he made to back up, nudge my pants down, and then slip his own off. He went back to straddling me and wrapped one hand around my dick and then stuck his fingers in my mouth. “Zoldyck… Killua Zoldyck… even your name flows beautifully.”

A long sigh drew out in a heavy breath as Gon gently pried my jaw open with his fingers before playing with my tongue and gathering as much saliva as possible. The combination of the actions he made with both of his hands was sending me over the edge and my eyes rolled back as I closed them. Eventually, he reached behind him to prep himself while still stroking me in the process and I lifted my head to watch.

I had the perfect angle to see him slowly easy every finger into himself with a squelching sound from the slickness.

_Holy fucking…_

He slowly stroked my dick until he declared himself loose enough before slowly easing himself down. To say I was a mess is an understatement and the way he was being agonizingly slow about it didn’t help. An involuntary moan slipped past my lips as soon as he met my hips, encasing my dick entirely as I pulsed inside him. 

“ _G-Gon…_ you feel _so hot…_ ” Gon had me losing myself through small whimpers and moans that felt foreign as they dripped out, and my breathing was thrumming in my chest. Tears pricked at my eyes as I brought my hand to my mouth and bit down hard with it in between my teeth.

“Now tell me… who do you belong to?” His voice came out as a warning as if telling me to dare to defy him.

So I do... knowing it’ll get a reaction. I chuckled to myself and then looked up at him playfully with a smirk. I knew my eyes screamed brat and I’m happily going to plant my ass on the throne of the position. “Hey _baby_ , what would you do… if I said _Ikalgo_?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeahhhh... I was cringing at the end too don't worry. Originally, I had him bottoming out, but I struggled so hard with writing that cuz I just can't picture it. The only other option was breaking his persona a bit, and for as cringe as it was, I'm surprised I even got that out of me tbh. 
> 
> It shall serve it's proper purpose in the next chapter.
> 
> On another note, some questions I've gotten:  
>  \- I plan for this story to be around 25-30 chapters, but the more I write, the more I see that it might possibly draw out longer  
>  \- I've settled for updating at least once per week - if you don't know, I'm a student with a nice ass load of fUCKING school work that lITERALLY DOESNT TEACH ME SHIT
> 
> *ahem* Anyways... yeah I'm very busy, but writing literally keeps me mentally sane and I wish I could say I'm exaggerating. I'll try my best to have consistent updates!
> 
> I know this is a long ass endnote, sorry about that, but I just want to say thank you to everyone that's enjoyed my writing so far. The support means a lot to me and seeing others enjoy something I literally made with my fingers is quite a weird concept now that I think about it, but I love it. I love all of your comments especially and if you want to maybe share the story with others or something that'd be nice.
> 
> Have a wonderful day! Tootles! <3


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Killua opens up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> spotify playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7g4EuDtd1xAvvu7mXnzz9H?si=78f0fb13b62c4d5d
> 
> If you haven't noticed just from the plot of the story, I take music very personally because it's like a doorway to my emotions and how I feel since I don't really share that stuff...
> 
> Anyways, I made a playlist for this story filled with songs that go with the different subjects and vibes of the story, even some future ones, and I hope you like it! Thank you softbabykags for giving me the idea! I'm obsessed with music and making playlists, so if you enjoy that kind of thing too, I'm following my main account through the one linked and feel free to go through there too. No one in my life knows I write fanfiction, so I didn't want to it up on my main because I shy about my hobbies and hate feeling judged idk 👉👈
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoy this next chapter!

“As the poor, tortured soul that broke down his ego and subbed out for you, I feel like I should be the one getting the aftercare.”

“Killua… shut up. You literally have some sort of praise kink.”

“Yeah but still, my ego’s dying here.”

“If yours is only dying, then mine is six feet under and on it’s way to hell.”

I rolled my eyes and turned around to face him, only to come face to face with his bare back. “Oh, don’t be like that. Come here.”

“No.” I heard him let out a huff into his arms and I couldn’t help but chuckle at the way he was acting. “It’s not _funny_ Killua.”

“Oh stop it, I’m laughing because you’re being ridiculously cute right now.” I couldn’t keep the giddy smile off of my face as he slowly peaked over his shoulder and flipped around with puffed out cheeks. It was obvious Gon was trying to hide his face as he immediately dove into my chest and buried himself into me. “There we go, now tell me what is bothering you.”

His voice came out both muffled and whiny as I traced figure eights along his lower back. “I both hated and loved that whole thing at the same time.”

“Okay, you’re gonna have to be a bit more specific than that Gon.”

“The part I hated the most is when you jokingly moaned his name mid-fuck, knowing it’d make me mad.” A swell of guilt built in my chest, knowing I took it too far, but I let out a nervous chuckle in response. “But I also loved being in control and having you under me, so I guess it’s somewhat fair.”

“Yeah… you got me there. We’re even I guess.”

“I still didn’t like that though - you toyed with my feelings.”

“Then don’t make me sub out, your fault.”

“Is not.”

“Is too.”

“Is not.”

“Is too.”

“Is not.”

“Is too.”

“Sigh…”

…

…

…

“Is not.”

“Lordy you’re fucking relentless.” I slowly sat up a bit so I wasn’t flat on my back and I leaned my head on the armrest of the couch. Gon made no effort to move in the process, so he ended up lolled a bit to the side. I softly laughed and moved his head into a more comfortable position for his neck before dragging my fingers through his silky hair. “At least you’re the only person capable of saying they _practically_ fucked _me_.”

“Yeah suuurrrreeee.” Gon dragged out his words dramatically and I could practically feel his eye roll against his chest. “With the amount of teasing and all the other shit you pulled, I wouldn’t doubt you’ve done it a thousand times.”

I swirled patterns into his hair gently and lightly tugged on the strands to meet the ends, feeling kind of bashful. “Well I’m serious. I’ve never been that vulnerable with someone.”

“Deadass?” Gon looked up from my chest and I felt heat rush to my cheeks at the thought of letting go like I just did.

“Deadass.” I managed a chuckle and gently nudged his head back down before he started to glide his finger along the ink on my skin with a content sigh.

I’ve noticed how he’s been doing that a lot lately, especially after we’ve had sex. As we’d be coming down from the post-orgasm afterglow, he’d always stare and trace at my arms, chest, or even my hips on occasion. I always found it soothing and it would, more often than not, make me drift off to sleep. I held onto my consciousness though and admired the way he delicately caressed every line like it was more than just ink… until it was. The pads of his fingers were trailing along the semi-hidden scars that were scattered across my form like they were something that made me more than I am, when really it’s the opposite.

They’re ugly. Gross. Too damaged to be touched. They reminded me of how I am less than human. They reminded me of how ugly I am, beyond just my body. They reminded me that I don’t truly deserve to be touched the way Gon is touching me right this second.

But when he looks up at me with a gaze of pure unadulterated care and curiosity, I can’t bring myself to stop his hands from imprinting their loving patterns.

I can’t help but look at him like he was the world, because he really is just that. The moment our eyes meet, I’m instantly in a safe space. A haven of sorts. Suddenly, we aren’t in just a storage garage that’s attached to a bar that’s filled with drunken idiots. We’re in a storage garage, attached to a bar, filled with drunken idiots, and in an empty space, where only light exists, the air is still, and the silence _isn’t_ depthening for a change.

The makeshift contract we agreed upon can go burn in hell, but I’ll only allow a minute.

Cupping his face, I brought his lips to mine and kissed him softly. The heat of his mouth instantly made me inwardly swoon as my heart lurched in my chest. Our foreheads pressed together and our breaths mixed as we pulled apart. I knew my eyes were telling him all that I couldn’t force out of my mouth with words, and I could feel my heart shake in my chest at the thought of being silently, but directly, exposed. I’m scared, but it’s Gon. It’s okay, because it’s Gon. He was looking at me like I was some sort of blessing, or miracle of sorts. I can’t handle it. Even the slim possibility that he could have feelings for me had me wanting to buckle over in tears, and I had no idea why.

I instantly tugged him closer and sunk back into his lips, delving every emotion I could surface into him. I could feel him return the action with just as much passion, and suddenly we weren’t just kissing anymore. It was axiomatically more. And before I could shove anymore… feelings into his mouth, I pulled away, held his gaze while feeling conflicted, brought his head back down to my chest, and slugged my own back onto the armrest, refusing to look at him. The tears that pricked my eyes were kept at bay as I breathed in heavily and exhaled a shaky breath, yet my heart didn’t feel as heavy. _What’s wrong with me? Why does my chest feel so tight? I know I have feelings for him, but this is just… weird._

We laid in comfortable silence for what felt like hours, until he delicately pulverized it. “Why do you… think you can’t love right?”

“W-What?” I internally cursed at how choked out the question sounded as I wasn’t expecting him to ask that. My heart stopped but then decided to pick up in my chest, almost like I was _scared_ and I hated it.

He continued to trail patterns in my skin and remained calm as if he was being careful about what he was going to say next - which is pretty unusual in itself as he normally goes about things carefree. “When all of this started, you mentioned how you feel like you can’t love right. It’s been in the back of my mind since, and I want to know why you feel that way.”

“Well…” I gulped down the lump in my throat and mentally prepared myself to get a negative reaction, “where to start…?”

Looking down at the lump in my arms, I couldn’t help but relax between the soft touches and the knowledge that Gon cares about me. Maybe not in the way I want him to… but he does nonetheless. It’s worth telling him, _right?_

“To put it bluntly, my family is a bunch of assassins.” I sucked in a breath and waited for a response, but instantly released the tension when he looked up at me with an encouraging smile to continue. He scooted up so his head was on my heart and started to kneed at my shoulder in a soothing manner. “My parents have always been strictly business, so ever since I was younger I’ve been trained to be an assassin to potentially take over the ‘family business’. I have two older brothers or whatever, but my parents said I showed the most potential or some crap - it wasn’t exactly loving.”

“The scar you’ve been tracing on my stomach for the past couple minutes is from endurance training with whips. My mom basically chained me up to a wall in the basement, whipped the shit out of me, and timed it to see how long it took for me to pass out.” Gon instantly halted his fingers and lightly pulled away as if he was hesitant. He looked up about to say something, but I beat him to the punch. “Ugly, I know. Don’t feel bad.”

“Don’t put words in my mouth. I just didn’t know if you were comfortable with me doing it…” I offered a lifted eyebrow in response and he pressed against my chest to sit up a bit, lightly kissing the scar, and resting back down. “I think they’re beautiful. They might not have a happy story, but everything that has happened has made you, _you_. And you are amazing Killua.”

I opened my mouth to protest, but before I could make a sound, Gon’s finger was pressed against my lips. After a moment, he took it off with an amused smile and I stilled, not wanting to interrupt the silence. “Just take the compliment and continue.”

“O-Okay.” I let out a shaky breath before continuing with the confession, still a bit off put by his actions. “Well I grew up with a bunch of training along those lines. I won’t really go in depth about it, but it consisted of shit like poison immunity training, electricity, hell even starving me. It was pretty extreme and, obviously, it wasn’t normal, but I didn’t think anything of it until I ran away with Alluka honestly…. Anyways, when it comes to this love shit, I can’t give you a clear answer.

“My parents used to love each other, I think, but my father cheated on my mother with a client they were working with while she was pregnant with my youngest brother. He still ‘loves’ her and it was a mistake or whatever, but my vision of love is so distorted that I don’t know how to handle even thinking about it. They stayed living together in order to keep the business going and to focus on training. It’s weird, because the word love was tossed around so casually and then paired with a knife to the throat. I never knew how to react aside from labeling _that_ as love.”

I took a deep breath as my lungs felt tight from all the information I admitted to him. I still can’t even believe I’m telling him this crap.

“Okay I know this is a serious conversation,” I couldn’t contain my abrupt chuckle as I felt a random thought deciding to bubble to the surface, “but there was this one time I was with a girl and she told me she wanted me to whip out a knife on her. It was… it was something.”

Gon ruptured in a fit of giggles at the statement. “Wait wait wait, what? No shit?”

“I am not shitting you,” I rubbed my fingers against my eyes and couldn’t help the smile that danced on my lips, “she literally pointed to the counter and told me to grab one and hold it to her throat while I fucked her. She also dared me to cut her, but I just couldn’t bring myself to.”

“There’s no fucking way…” He sighed softly and tried his best to calm down. When breathing was level enough, he shifted to lay level with me so our noses were nearly touching. His head rested on my arm as I took him into the embrace and he reached to push some hair out of my eyes. “So did you do it?”

“Fuck yeah, gotta try everything at least once.” I knew the grin on my face looked stupid as hell and I couldn’t find a care to try and change it. Gon looked so ethereal with the way his skin shone against the unnatural lighting and I found myself leaning in to kiss his forehead while he giggled at my words. “Don’t know if I’d be up to it again though. I almost had an anxiety attack mid-orgasm. It felt pretty weird, not gonna lie.”

“As I can imagine it would…” As his voice trailed off, we both fell into a comfortable silence while looking into each other’s eyes.

“Wait what was I talking about? I got distracted by the whole knife play shit.” Gon left out an easy laugh that caused his hair to catch the light perfectly.

“More stuff about your family…” There’s _that_ look again… the one that’s filled with admiration that I just can’t grasp.

I sighed heavily and closed my eyes out of nerves, but allowed myself to find comfort in his pupils again. “Oh yeah… My family also neglected Alluka. They didn’t bother acknowledging her existence at all and they didn’t respect her whenever they did. We only had each other in that house and I was rarely able to see her, but we still made it out eventually. I made sure to try to see her as often as I could between training and school, and as soon as I turned eighteen I made a break for it with her. It felt like we were breaking the law and we were laughing the whole way down that stupid mountain… well technically we did kinda break the law I guess.

“I stole money from them, not like it even made a dent or anything, and we lived in a hotel room until I could place a statement for an apartment. From there I started working and going here, started the band, and then Alluka did online schooling. Through time, we changed phone numbers multiple times and even apartment complexes every so often just to keep our name scattered in case they were searching. Now we’re here and... happier. Everyone jokes that I’m obsessed with Alluka and that I’m too overbearing… and maybe I am, but given the situation, I can’t help it. I don’t know shit about love, but what I do know is that you protect the people you love. It’s just common sense, and I can’t even begin to think about what I’d do if I lost her. She’s everything to me.”

Silence rang through the room as I recollected my thoughts with my eyes closed. I willed myself to continue and found Gon’s gentle hand placed on my left cheek. He looked at me intensely the whole time I was talking and I couldn’t help but be thankful since I know it’s somewhat difficult for him to sit still and just listen - he’s somewhat hyperactive. “Anyway, you asked me about why I can’t love right… there’s some background to it I guess. After we left, the only other shit I’ve seen are stupid highschool relationships and between that and my parents… I can’t help but see things like sex and relationships objectively. Like a toy to mess around with. It’s not something that represents actual love, but something else that’s some mockery of it. Regardless though, I, obviously, resorted to sex and all that shit to feel something… anything… but it quickly became more like a drug, an addiction even, but not anything that had a deeper meaning. Then with relationships, I’ve been asked out a lot and I’ve also genuinely had feelings for people, but it quickly died when I talked myself out of it. Ultimately, when you break it down, I’m just… scared.

“I feel like if I give into it, I’ll just mess it up, do the wrong thing, and hurt myself. I’ll just do it wrong and hurt the other person. I’m scared I’ll open up too much, and then they’ll see how fucked up I really am and leave. Even then, if they accepted everything, then who’s to say I’m not burdening them and then they leave with all my secrets. On top of all of that, I can’t even give you a clear answer because it’s too blurry for even me to understand, but I also hate the idea of someone loving me in return. I’m scared that someone will take in every part of me with open arms and just love me. The idea of being loved is even more nerve wracking than being rejected, because it means I’ve found my person.

“Then that person will leave me once they see how bad I am for them, because unconditional love doesn’t actually last. People just spiral after commitment until they eventually fall _out_ of love.

“The weirdest shit about all of this, is I crave it so badly, but both my head and heart is constantly rejecting it. I’d rather just not give in because it’ll only cause me to lose control. The concept of giving affection to someone and getting it back in return for years on end is purely uncontrollable - you never know when it’s going to give out from under you. The amount of trust it takes to truly give my heart to someone is still unimaginable to me - I don’t even trust myself to hold back enough…”

His eyes focused on me in a form of incredulous confusion and I felt myself somewhat wanting to take my words back out of feeling insecure. I don’t regret it, but _did I say too much?_

“What… do you mean by that?” Gon’s voice was gentle, shaky, and just above a whisper - almost like being careful when you’re holding something that could easily shatter.

I let silence run between us as I thought up an answer, but butterflies decided to urge my chest forward. Closer to him. Moving toward him in a trance. I want to kiss him so badly right now. Fuck, I’d do anything just to feel him everywhere, and I don’t even mean that sexually anymore. I want to delve into the boy in my arms and finally find the definition of home in his embrace. This is all too much. Just before our lips could meet, my mind freaked out, and I forced myself to stop. Our breaths mixed together as I started to fall for the way his eyes darkened and peered into mine. _Love… maybe… no, not yet at least._

“It means that I don’t want someone to mutually return my feelings, because I’ll lose control. I thrive on being in control, because the second I lose it is the second I give someone the opportunity to hurt me.”

We stayed frozen in place as neither of us broke eye contact, almost like it’d be admitting defeat if we did. “But what if they don’t?”

“But if they _do_ …?”

“Love’s a gamble Killua.” The endless swirls of brown bore into my eyes intensely. “It’s ultimately up to you to decide who hurts you or not, but wouldn’t the outcome of being loved freely outweigh that rejection?”

“No.” I couldn’t help the semi-harsh tone from slipping in as my jaw tightened. “It always ends up fucked with feeling more empty than before it started. It’s not worth it, when it’ll only inevitably fall apart.”

Gon looked into my eyes wordlessly as I tried to get a read on him. He’s _not_ going to change my mind.

He won’t and I won’t let him. Even if my heart hurts just from holding it back. Even if I’m hurting myself in the process. Even if I eventually feel like I can’t breathe without him. I won’t do it… as long as I can look into his eyes and see them shine, then I will stay right where I am, even if it’s without me.

The ringing of my phone in my pants pocket abruptly sprung into the air without warning. Neither of us could look away as I let it ring out and completely ignored it. It wasn’t until the call ended and the person on the other line called again, that I decided I’d get it. I reached over Gon, as my pants were on the floor, and dug through my pocket to see it was Alluka.

I instantly felt a wave of guilt rush over me from ignoring it and picked it up immediately. “Heyyyy ‘Luka, you okay?”

There was silence on the other end for a moment while Gon started to get up and pick the scattered clothes from the floor. We had previously put on our boxers after fucking for an hour, but that was it. “Hmmm, you sound a little sus brother.”

“How the hell do I sound ‘sus’?” I found my eyebrows scrunching together and Gon looked back at me with a small smile. My heart’s just goo at this point.

“I don’t know… just a feeling you’ve been up to no good.” I gulped in response and couldn’t stop the nervous laughter from leaving my mouth. “You always pick up right away and it took you a while to get to it this time.”

“Okay well I just had my ringer off, so I didn’t hear it.” I cringed at how strained the white lie came out, but tried to cover it up quickly. “But anyway, what did you call me for? Are you okay?”

“Mhm, yeah, okay well I was just calling to see if you wanted to go get dinner with my friend and I really quick?” I could hear her shuffling around her dorm room and hushed talking in the background.

“Yeah sure, Gon and I will meet you. Where were you...think-ing…?” The silent speech in the background suddenly made my ears perk up as the voice was much deeper than I thought… definitely not a girl. Gon gave me a weird look but I ignored it, hyperfocusing on the background noise. “Alluka, who are you with right now?”

“My friend… Zushi. Why?” I felt my eyes narrow at the wall opposite of me and let out a sigh after a moment of silence.

“Ugh nothing, is he the friend you’re bringing?” I tried my best to sound as contained as possible. I honestly felt my protective side going haywire, but I didn’t want Alluka to feel suffocated or that she can’t introduce her friends to me - even when they’re guys.

“Yeah…” She sounded uncertain, like she knew I was trying really hard to not go off on this guy through the phone. “Are you okay to do that?”

“Yep, sure, sounds great. Where to?” I picked at the skin on my nails out of anxiousness and I could feel Gon looking at me unsure whether to move or not.

“I’m feeling Shake Shack. How about you?”

“Alright that sounds good. Gon and I will be coming from the garage, so it’ll take us a hot minute to get over there.”

“Okie dokie, see you soon brother. I love youuuu.”

I let go of my nerves and smiled at the parting. “I love you too ‘Luka.”

As soon as I heard the beep signaling that the call ended, I shoved my face into the couch cushion and screamed some profanities at the top of my lungs. When I finished being dramatic, I slowly sat up with my eyes closed and let out a heavy breath. “Okay I feel better.”

“Though that was quite the lovely performance you just put on for me, are you good?” I peered over to see Gon slouched on the couch he did his homework on with an amused smirk and laughter caught in his chest - fully dressed now.

“Yeah, everything’s amazing. I’m just about to go get dinner with Alluka and some random guy named fucking Sushi that could potentially be a threat.” I clawed at the couch subconsciously and came face to face with my shirt being thrown directly at my head. I paid no mind to it as I wasn’t finished. “And _you_ better hold me back if I do anything stupid.”

“Hey Killu? Though I love staring at your body, I suggest you quit being irrational and get your clothes on so we can leave.” Pink flushed through my cheeks as I finished changing and stood up. My instinct immediately got the better of me as he stalked over to me.

Before I could think, my hand shot up to wrap around his neck and push him up against the wall. A breathy, short groan immediately surfaced out of his mouth and I grinned into his nape, giving him a teasing glide of my teeth. “Hey Gon… _baby~_... don’t think you can just start ordering me around because I let you fuck yourself onto me on the couch earlier. I’d happily blindfold you right here and fuck your face while you’re on your knees whimpering for my dick to be up your ass. Got it.”

“F-Fuck… you’re evil...” I pulled away and watched as he crumbled under my hand, and a burst of satisfaction settled in my gut.

I made my way toward the door that led into the bar and put my hand on the handle, not turning it just yet. “I thought you were in a rush, what changed _Gon~_?”

“S-Shut up Killua, just give me a second.” Gon had a very obvious boner pushing against his basketball shorts and I couldn’t help the cheeky smirk displayed on my face. As he looked up at me, he instantly rolled his eyes but didn’t comment on my expression. “Alright, let’s go.”

Since it was somewhat later, only like nine-ish, people were starting to pile into the place, so I grabbed onto Gon’s hand after locking the door behind us. I rubbed soothing circles along the back of it as we walked, taking in how soft his hands were and how much I loved them. Mine were all calloused over and rough, and holding his somehow made me feel comforted in a sense.

Shaking my head out of my sap moment, I searched for the door that led outside across the area and sighed at the amount of people we’d have to push through. On the way, I had to harshly stop as people got in the way and the amount of times Gon ended up walking into my back was laughable.

After maneuvering around sweaty bodies, we finally made it out of the place and the night city breeze was like a refreshing slap to the face. I instantly took a deep breath in and closed my eyes before starting to head toward Shake Shack. Alluka and I discovered the place when she was craving greasy fries on her period.

I love my sister, but let’s just say there are many pros to not living with each other anymore - I’ve experienced more shit than a normal brother should ever have to.

I chuckled at the memory to myself and remembered to let go of Gon’s hand in the process. Before I could let go, he loosened his grip to lace our fingers together instead and then gave a squeeze. My heart instantly did a mini summersault in my chest and I struggled to pry my eyes away from his, but managed to anyway.

He asked me about what I was chuckling about and so I told him the wild story of when Alluka woke me up to drag me across the York New City streets at three in the morning. I wasn’t even processing my own words at this point. They were coming out, but I couldn’t hear them, and all my senses were taking in was Gon.

His smile. His laughter. The way he stepped closer to get out of the way for strangers. The way the city center lights danced across his skin and enhanced the sparkle in his golden brown eyes. The subtle freckles that barely showed underneath his tan. The way his eyes pinched slightly when he whipped out wide smiles. The warmth of his hands. The way his thumb was imprinting random patterns into my knuckles.

It was all too much.

Gon’s too much.

I could feel my head polarizing with my heart in protest. My heart wants to launch itself at him and be accepted, but my head is holding the reins and holding it captive.

Is it _really_ smart to let my heart free?

I’ve always functioned on logic and reason. Always put my head over my heart, and that’s the way it should be for everything. All my experiences have led me to think this way, so letting my feelings free is really illogical.

I don’t want to love him, so for now, I won’t allow myself to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told myself to finish all my homework before I posted because school is important unfortunately, so I'm so glad to have that all knocked out of the way. *le sigh*
> 
> Anyways, happy valentines day to everyone! Even if you don't have any sort of lover today, I hope that you feel all the love from the people around you. If everyone is an asshole, then take my love because I love all of you and how you've supported me this far! 💕
> 
> I want to personally give a thanks to Madd_sawa and Kouls123 since I've noticed you've consecutively supported me in the comments! Posting my writing is really nerve wracking just because I don't share it with anyone in my personal life and I lowkey have a huge fear of failure, and your comments make me really happy and I get a big stupid grin on my face just reading them. Like I squeal. It's weird. I'm not even joking, I sound like I just saw a picture of Bakugou or something because I'm a huge closeted simp. Anyways, I just wanted to show my appreciation for sticking with me since I originally starting posting chapters, for the most part.
> 
> If anyone has plans, I hope they all go well, and if you don't, feel free to voice distaste for this holiday in the comments 'cause trust me, I can easily relate. I don't have anyone in my life romantically, so I have plans to go bowling - a recent hobby I've picked up and I'm happy - with a friend and maybe get dinner too, we shall see. 
> 
> I hope everyone has had a wonderful day! Tootles! 💕


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one with the fluff.

Dinner with Alluka and Zushi ended up going smoother than I thought possible. The guy ended up being pretty chill and it turned out that him and Gon were already somewhat acquainted from sharing an animation class together. Zushi was going into digital marketing already since he got almost all of his prerequisite credits already. It was kind of hard to not like him due to the fact that he had the outgoingness comparable to Gon’s, even if he looked like he’d shit himself every time I so much as looked at him.

Everytime he dared to get close to Alluka, I had Gon to ground me silently with his hand on my thigh under the table. The situation was pretty comical if I’m being honest - it was like he was holding back an animal from attacking. It was obvious Zushi liked my sister, and honestly who wouldn’t, she’s perfect. I eventually got a feel for him, but that wasn’t until I saw the smile he put on ‘Luka’s face. They’re so fucking obvious.

Seeing the interaction only warmed my heart. Alluka is someone who loves openly and gives it her all, and to see that she met someone that makes her smile that wide made my protective gazes instantly soften a bit. I can’t hold her back anymore - she’s an adult now.

As they talked about some of their other friends and classes, I felt Gon slide his fingers through mine, giving a slight squeeze. I looked over to see him with a smile playing at his lips. He leaned onto my shoulder, glanced to the side, and kept his voice hushed to not distract the obvious pair in front of us. “You okay?”

I leaned my head onto his in a lazy manner and immediately breathed in his scent gently, trying not to make it obvious. “Yeah… it’s just weird how fast she’s grown up you know? I feel like just yesterday we were on our own personal playground.”

“Your family was so loaded that you had a personal playground?” Gon chuckled at my side and I couldn’t help but softly copy the action.

“Yeah of course, you didn’t? What a fucking weirdo…” I stated jokingly and he gently slapped my arm. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding… but yeah we did. We even made it a game to see how many times we’d get threatened to get killed by our brothers when we pushed them off the slide or swing or something. We always targetted Milluki because he’s a fucking ass.”

“I had a gut feeling you were a nuisance as a child.”

“Was not. I was just born edgy.”

“Nah, I think the term nuisance fits better.”

“Well you’re wrong, maybe the term delinquent, but nuisance... ? Nah.”

“And - in your definition - what is the difference?”

“Honestly, I have no clue. I was just trying to annoy you by not agreeing.”

“Well it fucking worked.”

“You kiss Mito with that mouth?” As soon as the words left my lips, I let out a hearty laugh as Gon launched to tickle my side. “Don’t - be fucking s-stupid. We’re in a restaurant.”

“You should’ve thought about that before pissing me off.” Gon’s eyes screamed "annoyed", but the smile that was on his face said otherwise.

In his moment of hesitation, I grabbed his wrists and pinned them down to the cushion of the booth. “There’s glass on the table, be careful idiot.”

“Oh don’t act like you suddenly care about a stupid cup.”

“I do very much care about this particular fucking cup, it holds my choccy milkshake.”

“You’re acting like such a child right now, holy shit.”

“Says fucking yo-”

“Did I miss something or...?” Alluka’s voice peeped into the unnecessary, aggressive conversation as Gon and I’s foreheads were nearly pushing against each other.

“Alluka, you didn’t tell me they were dating. Now this is awkward.” Zushi leaned closer to her and "whispered" the words as they both remained staring at us like two deer caught in headlights. “I feel like I greeted Gon wrong now.”

“I didn’t even know they were a thing either, so I’m with you on that one. Brother never tells me anything.” I instantly felt my face set aflame at the thought of Alluka thinking I was actually dating Gon.

“Why do you…? We aren’t dating.” I stated as straightforward as possible and then went to subtly hide my face in my hands - releasing Gon’s in the process.

I simply got a chuckle and a "yeah, sure" in response before Alluka and Zushi started talking again. I sat up and watched as my straw danced between my finger tips in a daze. I wonder… what dating Gon would actually be like.

Would we go on dates often? Is he someone who doesn’t mind PDA? Or does he? What about kissing? Would that be different? Would I be allowed to in front of people? Not like full on make out, but like on the cheek? _Gon’s cheeks are warm and soft… like mochi… I wanna squish ‘em…_

_Bad Killua! No you don’t!_

With the inward impulse still running in my mind, my cheeks glowed in a shy fashion. I instantly covered my hands over them and went to take a big gulp of my milkshake. I need to get over him and fast. I’m screwed if this gets any deeper.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

As the night came to a close, we approached Alluka’s dorm and I watched as she walked off with a wide smile and aggressive wave. I chuckled at her eagerness and as soon as she walked through the doors, Zushi turned to me looking nervous.

“Listen I know you don’t like me, but I pro-”

“Cut the shit Sushi.” I looked him up and down, knowing I seemed judgmental, but gave an abrupt sigh - today’s been way too long. “I don’t dislike you. Just prove you aren’t a bad person and don’t hurt my sister. That’s all I care about.”

“Really?” He looked at me like I just grew five heads and I offered him a smirk as I decided to rattle him a little.

“Though if you do hurt her…” I grabbed him by the collar and yanked him forward to get by his ear, “I won’t hesitate to sever your dick off and feed it to the tigers at the local zoo.”

I pulled away from him as his face shone purely mortified. “Got it?”

“Yes sir.” He gulped but eased as I gave him a soft smile.

“Take care of my sister Sushi.” I felt Gon clasp his arm around my shoulders, height difference being enough to make it comical, as I waved a departing.

As soon as we turned around Zushi hollered after us. “It’s Zushi! With a Z!”

“I’ll call you whatever the fuck I want!” I yelled out not bothering to look back and then chuckled into Gon’s side.

His arm eventually dropped and we walked side by side. Our hands touched every so often and I had to inwardly calm my impulse to reach out and find warmth in it again. The silence fell comfortably all the way up until we got into the dorm. As soon as the door closed shut behind me, I sunk my head back against it and closed my eyes.

The silence was very much appreciated as of now. I feel like if I moved sometime in the next five minutes I’d just collapse. I heard Gon’s footsteps hesitate forward before turning around and slowly walking toward me. I gulped knowing his eyes were directed on me but couldn’t find the care enough to move. The sudden contact of his hands planting on each of my shoulders made me initially flinch, but I easily relaxed as he started to massage the tensity away.

After a moment, he dragged his hands around the back of my neck and used his thumbs to trace the lines of my throat and jaw. The touch had me almost paralyzed in the best way possible. Every time he pulled away his touch still lingered, I still felt the warmth that was initially there, and I found myself leaning in for more.

I’m fully aware that I’m not doing anything to help my own feelings go away.

I could easily brush him off, say goodnight, and sleep in my bed not giving it a second thought. That’s what friends with benefits truly is. It’s colder. What should be happening is fucking and then leaving with no residing feelings aside from platonic ones. Instead I’ve been finding myself getting dragged into his room and getting held every other night. After sex, the time that should be spent separately is instead used to coax each other to sleep - only separating to take showers.

With the rate this is going, I’ll be in too deep to get out and it’ll hurt so fucking bad that I won’t be able to hold it in. I can feel it building and residing in my chest, lying dormant just waiting to grow strong enough to lash out.

Instead of being more distant and doing the logical thing, I let the pads of his fingers that are smoothing out any stressed out and harsh lines along my face comfort me. I let out a hum of contentment and relaxed under his touch as he chuckled lightly.

“What’re you thinking about?” Gon’s voice was hushed and came out in a whisper.

Honestly, I wanted to scream my feelings out at him, but not only did I not have enough energy, but I lacked the courage. I’m not the fucking lion that many people think I am, and I hate that they’re wrong. I’m weak when it comes to emotions. I’m so fucking “emotionally constipated”, as Ikalgo likes to put it.

I pressed my body into his touch and let out a sigh. “I’m just tired. Today’s been long.”

“Hmmm, I agree with you on that one.” I felt him slump against me in fatigue before pushing up and dragging me forward by the wrists - obviously toward his room. I opened my eyes and looked into his soft ones, feeling too tired to comprehend what face I’m making.

It was something I’m not used to, that’s all I know.

I latched my hand around the back of Gon’s neck and turned him around to drive his face toward mine for a lazy kiss. My lips drew out the kiss long enough to mean something I have yet to accept and I took my time pulling away. When resting my forehead against his, I felt like I could see everything. His eyes danced between mine in confusion before I managed to snap my eyes shut, let go, and waltz off to my own room.

I dragged my feet on the floor, taking my clothes off in the process, and let out a hefty grunt when falling on my bed in my boxers.

_Don’t be stupid Killua. He’ll never actually like you._

_Don’t be stupid._

_Don’t be… reckless._

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

The sun peeking through my window had me shielding my eyes with a lazy arm thrown over my face. A groan rolls out of my mouth and I force myself to pry my eyes open despite the discomfort from the light. I honestly feel like I’ve been run over by a stampede of horses repeatedly for hours on end.

I’m just glad today’s a Friday - meaning no classes. Just me, my guitar, and the cushy ass bed under my ass - hopefully Gon too.

Eventually, I gathered up the motivation to stalk out of my room with my navy comforter around my head and shoulders.

The immediate aroma of pancakes, eggs, and sausage hits me in the face and my mouth instantly starts to water. Heading toward the kitchen, I see Gon with one of his hands supporting the opposite elbow while the other hand holds his bottom lip between his thumb and pointer finger. He seemed to be deep in thought and I couldn’t help but let myself be fascinated at the sight. Even had just gotten out of bed, he looked so beautiful.

A stack of pancakes laid next to the pan while two other plates were set up with eggs having already been made. He was currently focused on the sausage patties that were popping in front of him, almost ready. I slipped into the kitchen with a tired smile and slowly slugged my head onto his shoulder from behind. A startled gasp left his lips as he tensed up, but relaxed when he turned his head to see me at his side. I watched as an excited smile spread on his face and I chuckled at the homey feeling settling in the air. My arms immediately wrapped around him, encasing us into a single blanket burrito, and I snuggled my face into his neck.

“So what’s the special occasion?” I murmured the words against his skin and took delight in the way a shudder ran down his body.

“W-Well I figured you’d be tired from yesterday, so I thought I’d surprise you with breakfast since you’re usually the one cooking.” I let my eyes flutter shut in content and hummed into his neck. _So warm…_

“Awww what a sweetheart. You want me to start calling you honey now?”

A smirk crossed my face as he immediately went to throw his arms in protest - my arms preventing him from doing so. “Killua I was just trying to be nice! Don’t be ridic-”

“I was just joking, calm down. It’s too early for yelling.” The amused expression stayed planted on my features as I relaxed into him again. The temperature in the room seemed to drop overnight and the tile floor seemed to turn into icicles under my feet. A shiver ran down my spine and I cuddled closer to him - moving my arms to wrap around his waist instead so he could flip the sausages. “It smells really good, thank you.”

“It’s no problem. I know you’ve been very busy lately and I wasn’t thinking about that the other night, so I thought it’d be nice to do something for you.” Blush started to form on my cheeks remembering how hard and long we had gone at it and I hid my forehead into his shoulder with my eyes closed.

“It’s no big deal dummy. It’s not like I don’t like it, even if you were taking me away from a paper due the next day. If anything I’m thankful for the stress relief. Do I look like the kind of person who enjoys writing about Mozart?” I grumbled into his shoulder.

Gon let out a hushed, amused chuckle and poked around at the patties in the pan before distributing them out onto plates. “You look very far from it. Though, it would be interesting to see you dressed like that.”

“What could I possibly wear that screams ‘Mozart’?” I pressed my lips against his shoulder as a muted kiss to his skin and smiled.

“Hmmm… a more nerdy style? I don’t know. I just know it’d definitely _not_ be what’s in your closet.” I maneuvered off of him before he could pull away himself and went to grab utensils from the drawer behind him.

“Yeah, I’m probably the furthest thing from a nerd possible - at least clothing wise.” I set up the table with drinks and all and softly smiled at the way Gon managed to balance a plate on his arm while the other two were in his hands. Carefully, I picked up the plate of pancakes on his arm and set it on the table while he put the other two down in our spots. “In high school I was actually a pretty big nerd.”

“Nope. Can’t see it.” He stated matter of factly before digging into his eggs.

“Well it happened. Again, I still dressed like I normally do now, but I had pretty high test scores and grades and all that junk.” I grabbed two pancakes and started to assemble a makeshift breakfast sandwich while Gon looked at me like I was being a lunatic - over the food or my words I don’t know.

After I finished assembling everything, I grabbed the syrup and drizzled some inside and slapped the second pancake on top. I grabbed the whole thing, holding everything between my fingers so nothing fell out, and took a huge bite out of it - instantly melting with a sigh. “I don’t know whether to be insulted or amazed.”

“Be both.” I stated with a wink. Gon rolled his eyes with a soft giggle and dug into his own food again. I set my sandwich down and cut a chunk off before stabbing it to all fit on my fork and shoved the food toward his face. “Can’t diss it until you try it.”

Gon looked at me skeptically but instantly lit up and took it in one bite with an excited puff in the cheeks. _He’s so cute_. After taking some time chewing and thinking, he held a happy smile and nodded his head while swallowing. “Okay it’s pretty good. I think I still prefer my food separated, but your sandwich isn’t half bad.”

“See? Told you. My ideas are superior.” I scoffed and crossed my arms as my blanket fell from my shoulders. I let out an annoyed huff before tugging it back around my body. I forked somemore food into my mouth and stopped mid chew to find Gon looking at me with a stupid, dopey looking grin on his face. “What?”

“Oh, nothing. You’re just…” he gave me a onceover as I slouched into the puffy blanket and tugged it closer to me like a shield, “really cute right now.”

“Shut the hell up and eat your food. Moron.” I scarfed more of my food down as my cheeks were burning and he continued to laugh at me. The sound immediately filled my stomach with swarming butterflies and I subtly buried my face into the blanket hoping they’d just get lost already. “Thanks again for making the food. No one’s ever done that for me before aside from chefs at the old mansion. This feels really homey.”

I found myself growing a bit shy and the impulse to hide grew even more when I saw his own cheeks turning mildly hot with a wide smile. “It’s no problem. I’m no chef, but I’d cook for you anytime.”

My chest instantly swelled at the statement, but I let a smirk take place to shove it down. “Yeah, well maybe leave the cooking to me.”

“Is it really that bad?” Gon let out a pout and I rolled my eyes teasingly.

“Oh no it’s really good, but I don’t think being legally responsible for committing arson is on my to-do list and you have a tendency to be a klutz.” We locked eyes as he shoved me lightly in the arm and I stumbled a bit off the chair before finding proper seating again. Honestly, waking up to this every morning doesn’t sound half bad.

A melody of giggles reverberated throughout the room as I stood to pick him up, still wrapped in the blanket, and made my way to slam him on his bed and tackle. We roughhoused for what felt like minutes but quickly turned into an hour and ended in panting breaths and easy laughs, his breath reaching to tickle my neck as we came down from our flailing body movements. I dragged my hand through his spiky hair and watched how the paleness of my fingers clashed with the dark threads. I easily let out a sigh of pure bliss. This boy brings something new to the table every fucking day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone! 
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed this nice fluffy chapter, 'cause I know I loved writing it. It's lowkey weird how I can easily come up with conversations with a story, but in real life I'm awkward as hell - something's just wrong with me tbh. 
> 
> Anyways, the next one might be up early, depends on how mean my teachers are to me this week, but definitely by next Saturday! We have another fluffy chapter coming up next and I also put the link for the Spotify playlist in the story description, so check that out if you'd like.
> 
> I know I practically say this every chapter, but thank you for all of your comments! Some of all are real sweet and find myself squealing over half the time. I hope you've all had a wonderful day! Stay safe!
> 
> Tootles! <3


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one on the rooftop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: i don't wanna know (acoustic) by goldhouse

I stifled a laugh as I watched the whole process unfold in front of me. Gon held the hand mixer in one hand and a bigger bowl of ingredients in the other and turned the mixer onto its fastest setting. Flour and other dry contents burst into the air and painted his face white quicker than I ever could.

Seeing the shocked expression on his now pale complexion had me bundling over as my chest started to heave painfully from lack of air.

“You- you fucking dumbass!” I couldn’t stop the tears from pricking my eyes as I continued to gasp for air. “It just- you went- poof! And then bam!”

Gon’s face slowly morphed from shock to annoyance as he glared at me, but I paid no mind to it as I was bundled over. “Oh brOTHER!”

“Don’t be an asshole!” Before I could process anything else, a huge fistful of flour was stuffed in my face - not really contrasting with my natural features.

My mind went blank as I stared at Gon who still looked pissed but wore an amused smirk. Some of the powder created an itchy feeling up my nose and I sneezed aggressively from the feeling. Powder flew everywhere in the form of a cloud as Gon and I blankly stared at each other and then burst out laughing in unison.

A devilish smirk crossed my face as I grabbed a handful of the flour from the bowl in his arms and threw it against his face like he did to me. I was expecting to see him pissed off, but instead I came face to face with a bright smile. One of my own grew on my face as we both got in defensive positions and prepared for battle. Since he was holding the bowl, I grabbed the bag of flour and clutched it to my side, ready to attack. For a moment, everything around us was still as if we were calculating the others movements - until it wasn’t.

The outright war that was going down commenced until we couldn’t even see each other through all of the flour clouding the air. Coughing immediately ensued at the fact and after letting the air settle, I peered through the fogginess and saw Gon standing completely covered head to toe - no evidence of color on him at all.

“Woah, you just completely changed ethnicities.” I stifled a laugh and watched as a soft, playful smile took its place.

“At least I have the ability to look different. You’re just white as always… though I guess the tattoos are somewhat gone.” I looked down at my arms to see the muted black ink showing through as gray and laughed.

“That looks weird - haven’t seen myself with bare arms in forever.” I sighed and then walked towards him holding out my hand. “Truce?”

“Truce.” The smile beamed off of his face as he took my hand into his.

Upon the shake, I impulsively pulled him forward and leaned down to kiss him - smiling in the process. He looked too adorable not to taste. He smiled into the kiss and pushed his tongue forward against my bottom lip, and I happily complied and opened up more. The faint taste of flour resided between us, but neither of us cared as I picked him up and sat him on the counter.

Gon’s hands slowly came up to cup around my face, and the grittiness between the powdered texture made an even more prominent wave of butterflies form in my stomach. I subconsciously rubbed circles into his hips where I held him in place and separated to look up at him. We stayed in place for a while just taking in the silence. I relaxed against him and took pleasure in the way he shifted to trace the lines along my face - smoothing out my eyebrows, tracing my cheekbones, outlining my jaw. It all felt _so_ nice.

“You know Killua… you’re really beautiful.” I must’ve made a face at those words aside from the normal blush because he instantly chuckled.

“The hell…?” I didn’t know what else to say as he continued giggling and then slowly shifted his fingers through my hair - resulting in some flour to fall, but we both ignored that fact. “Am I some kinda girl now? What the fuck?”

“No no no, I just mean… how do I word this?”

“How am I supposed to know? You’re the one making me sound like some school girl.”

“That’s not what I meant you oaf.”

“How can I be both beautiful and an oaf? You make no sense.”

“You’re impossible.”

“An impossibly beautiful oaf, apparently.”

“Yeah yeah, whatever.” I opened my eyes with a wide smile on my face at the comfortable bickering as he looked down at me fondly and shook his head with a chuckle in his mouth. His features came across as warm before he booped me on the nose and I went cross eyed for a second. He chuckled again and then went back to tracing the lines on my face. “I meant, like, everything you are is just… beautiful.”

_Jesus fuckin- no Killua. Ignore him. Ignore him. Ignore him. It doesn’t mean shit. Let’s pretend those butterflies don’t exist. Fuck them. They’re shit. Digest._

I stared at him blankly, hoping the flour managed to mute my red cheeks. Closing my eyes, I faced downward to hide whatever face I was making. “S-Shut up… idiot. You make no sense.”

“Beautiful.” Gon stated before chuckling, tapping my nose, and rubbing a hand through my hair again. “We should probably try to clean this up before showers.”

Shaking my head to fall out of whatever trance I was in, I nodded in agreement before looking over to him. “Where and how do we even start?”

“Broom and dustpan thingy?”

“Maybe? Do we even have one of those?”

“Kurapika might?”

“Uggghhhh… now we gotta go see Lé Oreo looking like two idiots.”

“Killua stop calling people weird names.”

“I’ll call people whatever the fuck I feel like. I just wanted some damn cookies.”

“We can still make them you big baby.”

“With what flour? We sweepin’ it back into the bag or some shit?”

“Well…”

“Don’t answer the sarcastic question.”

“Oh… so we’re not doing that?”

“I’m constantly surrounded by idiots.”

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

The last of the flour was finally gathered into one big pile on the floor and we were slowly chunking it off to move it into the garbage can. We had previously stormed into Kurapika and Leorio’s dorm to gather up the supplies, but ended up getting chased out of the room. Kurapika was literally pushing us out so we didn’t track any flour onto their own floor, while Leorio seemed to be shocked at first and then bundled over in laughter. Instead, we went over to my buddy Shalnark, who conveniently had a broom, and took it from there. He looked at us like we were on crack, but didn’t ask questions and tossed it over with a sigh and a couple curses.

Now here we sit, the only thing left to clean being ourselves…

“Wanna shower together?” Gon peeked his head around the corner after tying up the garbage bag with a hopeful smile.

The question somewhat rattled me since we’ve never done that before, even after fucking, and that’s all for a reason. Friends don’t normally do that shit, only couples. “I don’t think friends usually shower together…”

“W-Well I was just…” his voice trailed off on its own and I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of guilt for his awkwardness.

“... but I’ve also seen you sit on my dick so I guess showering wouldn’t be _that_ weird.” I smirked as his cheeks grew a light pink and his smile shined through his expression with an adorable slap to my arm. “What? I’m just sayin’.”

“Let’s just get our butts in the shower. I don’t really feel like letting the rash from the flour under my armpits get any worse.” I chuckled at his response as we headed into the bathroom.

Carefully, I peeled the flour caked clothing off my body with no hesitation, while Gon looked at himself not knowing where to start. I rolled my eyes with a soft smile and kicked my clothes toward the corner wall. “Come here duffus.”

Gon simply complied and walked closer, looking slightly wide eyed at how I was completely naked already, but I paid no attention to it.

“Arms up.” I signaled him with my finger and carefully eased his shirt off to not shake the flour everywhere. “There we go. I’ll start the water, you get your pants off and put it in the corner.”

I walked over to the shower head and immediately turned the notch and the water started to run rapidly. “Hot or cold?”

“Cold.”

“Wrong answer.”

“You take hot showers?”

“You take cold ones?”

“Okay, how about we just put it in the middle?”

“I _guess_ I can work with that.” I dramatically switched it to the middle with a playful pout and exasperated sigh before he chuckled and walked toward me, lightly pecking my bottom lip. Turning away, I rolled my eyes, but there was no escaping the blush rushing toward my cheeks. _He’s too cute for me to handle._

“I believe in you.” Gon cast his own sarcasm in my direction, but paired it with an eye roll and heartwarming smile.

We shuffled into the shower in silence, soaking in the feeling of rushing water down our skin quietly. I allowed my eyes to close under the pressure and leaned my head back to get my hair wet. Gon was messing with the shampoo, and before I could process it, he reached around to knead the soap into my hair - giving me a scalp massage in the process. My eyes widened in surprise at the touch, but I didn’t shy away from it.

“What’re you doing...?” I questioned softly as I grew more relaxed against him. He stood in front of me and pressed closer as he rested his arms against my shoulders.

He let out a content hum and moved his hands to the back of my neck, giving me a warm smile. “Washing your hair, silly.”

I grunted in response, not knowing what to say and not really wanting to interrupt the silence. The process went on for a little longer before he gently tilted my head back to rinse out the soap.

Opening my eyes after moving away from the water, I did the same process to Gon. Watching his hair fall from its usual spike had me smiling both in amusement and fondness. He looked like a wet puppy. The strands fell to the side in a middle part of sorts and I couldn’t stop myself from eventually shaping the hair into two sections of makeshift horns on top of his head. I stifled a laugh and he opened a single eye to look at me.

“What’d you do?” He asked with a smile planted on his lips. I shuffled over and grabbed his wrist to come to the opposite side of the shower - the mirror being visible from the spot. As soon as he saw his reflection he released his own fit of giggles before looking at me and kissing me on the cheek. “You’re ridiculous.”

“I couldn’t help myself.” I admitted before heading back under the water once again while we threw easy smiles toward each other. A childlike giddiness bubbled in my chest at the sight of the horns slowly slinking down with every step he took since his hair only decided to defy gravity when dry. “You looked too peaceful.”

“Oh wow, thanks for interrupting it.” He rolled his eyes and then ducked down under the water with a chuckle.

“With pleasure.”

I never thought something as simple as a shower could turn into something so comforting, but every moment we were under the pressure of the water, Gon made every touch linger with meaning. It felt like I was getting taken care of as he glided his palm against my chest and outlined every tattoo in the midst of applying body wash. Eventually, he started to trace the music notes on my hip, but I shut him down claiming he’d give me a boner - not that that stopped him. I had to gently yank him back up to my level with an eye roll as he laughed at my reaction.

Regardless, nothing has ever felt so… _homey_. Gon leaned forward to push some hair aside to kiss my forehead as we dried each other off with the towels. He made a point of wanting to blow dry my hair just so he could play with it. I watched in the mirror as he’d run his fingers through it with an oddly fond expression on his face and then giggle if any strands flopped in my eyes when damp.

It made me feel like maybe, _just maybe_ , he might feel something for me too.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

“What was growing up on Whale Island like?” I questioned as my elbows rested against the wooden restaurant table. Gon’s face instantly lit up as he started to talk about his childhood.

“Well I grew up with my Aunt Mito and grandma as an only child, and it was honestly kinda lonely, but never boring.” He nodded as if he was agreeing with himself as I looked at him a little too eagerly for my liking. I want to know everything about him. “There weren’t a lot of kids my age on the island and I was stuck being homeschooled up until college, actually - like Alluka. It’s never really bothered me though. I have my aunt and grandma, and I spent most of my time outside exploring or playing video games.”

I drew out a big gulp of water through my straw as he talked and I nodded along to show I was listening. _I called that one._

“That actually surprises me. You’re too outgoing and you seem like the kind of person that has a lot of friends.” I watched as he made a slightly offended face, but soon formed a light, nervous smile. My eyes widened, worried if I made him feel bad. “I didn’t mean that in a bad way; there’s nothing wrong with being outgoing. You’re like Alluka in that way and I was just pointing it out because I’m kinda the opposite.”

“Killua you have a ton of friends and you don’t even have to try to get along with people.” Gon formed his own amused smile as if what I was saying was bogus. I looked at him a little puzzled and immediately shook my head as the waitress came with our appetizer of loaded fries.

“You couldn’t be more wrong.” I took a sip of my drink and set it down, rubbing my hands together due to the condensation from my cup. “People just like me and talk to me because they want to fuck me or use me. I’m saying genuine friends. I’m pretty antisocial and it’s hard for me to actually get along with people beyond awkward small talk. It takes me a while to warm up to people.”

He seemed to knod with his finger to his chin in consideration. “I guess that makes sense. I just remember seeing you in freshman year with a bunch of people hanging around you, so I assumed you were pretty social.”

“Wait what?” I looked at him a little shocked. “You knew me in freshman year?”

“‘Who didn’t know you?’ is the real question here. You do realize a lot of people talk about you? On top of that, we had a prerequisite class together - humanities or something - and everyone was up your ass twenty four seven.” He chuckled at the last statement while I looked at him incredulously. _You’re telling me Gon was right under my nose this entire fucking time?!_ “It’s funny because you looked like you wanted to kill everyone that was bothering you. I think Shal...nark… ? Is that his name? I don’t know. Anyway, Shalnark was in that class, so you talked to him and ignored everyone else.”

“You should’ve talked to me or something…” I looked down at my cup and swirled the straw around in thought. “We could’ve been friends sooner.”

“Hmmm… nah.”

“What? Why not?!” I exclaimed in mock offense. He simply laughed at my reaction and stuffed a fry in his face.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love getting to know you more and more,” he stated with his mouth full and then forced a heavy swallow, “but if I approached you then, I doubt you would’ve paid me any thought. It’s obvious you didn’t want to be around anyone aside from the group of friends you have. Honestly, that’s why I was always doubtful of the rumors that spread about you. Now I know the full story, obviously, but back then I just heavily doubted all of that. Mito always told me to never believe rumors about someone until you actually know them and they’re proven correct.”

I simply shook my head in disbelief as I took everything in. “I can’t believe you noticed me this whole time and didn’t say shit. I would have talked to you if you approached me… maybe… if annoying people weren’t around at least.”

“Yeah, I doubt that. I remember one time, I went to the library for a research paper or something and just sitting in one of the chairs reading you looked like you didn’t want anyone interrupting you.” This is too much information to take in. I bet if I met him sooner, my life would’ve played out entirely different these past two to three years. As much as it hurts my pride to admit, he’s changed me for the better. “Despite that though, I also noticed how social you were when you had your other friends around you, so I just assumed you were social but intolerant of others.”

The only thing I could manage to do was stay speechless and silent. What would’ve happened if I had met him sooner? I can’t even picture how I’d be. Would I be more open to actually dating given how quickly I opened up to him? Do I voice my thoughts or not? I wish I met him sooner, but maybe I needed those mistakes to grow or some cliché crap like that.

I can’t say what would, should, or could have happened, but I do know that I have him in my life now.

_That’s more than I could ever ask for._

Eventually, our food came out and we continued eating dinner with light conversation going back to the topic of Whale Island. I decided to ignore what I can’t change and focus on the way he smiled brightly while talking about his family and childhood. The way all of his features lit up despite the dimmer lighting of the restaurant had my stomach doing somersaults - and for once it didn’t make me feel queasy. Instead, I found the feeling as warm and light as his smile as I took in every feature he wore. The lighting of the diner had his cheekbones casting shadows from the prominent lines and his jaw looking sharper than ever.

_I wanna bite it._

_Horny Killua… what the fuck? We agreed to relax today. Stop being weird._

_Okay, but just imagine if he liked it and you two-_

_No!_

As the thoughts crossed my mind, I found my face intensely heating up and I dove my cheeks in my hands to hide it.

“Are you… okay?” Gon interrupted himself out of concern, making me even more flustered since I knew his eyes were on me.

“I’m good…” I mumbled and then peaked through my fingers, face still flaming. “Just thoughts.”

“Oh?” He innocently peered at me with question before his face morphed into something between cocky and bashful - an odd mix. “You wanna talk about it~?”

“N-No… I’m okay.” The surge of confidence had me flustered and a mess, and I didn’t even try to hide it at this point. Gon burst out laughing at my expression exclaiming something about how cute I was, but I was too busy willing myself to calm down. “Whatever… just continue talking about Mito’s cooking or some shit. Stop looking at me like that.”

“Okay okay I’ll stop.” His easygoing smile instantly set me at ease despite the situation as we relaxed into conversation again.

Eventually, dinner came to a close and we stepped outside taking in the night air once again. Gon reached down to take my hand into his and laced our fingers together. I felt the blush creep up on my face, but stayed looking forward, not acknowledging the action.

“Is there a place you like to go to?” Gon interrupted the silence gracefully and stayed looking forward. “Like… to get away?”

My eyebrows scrunched together in thought of why he was asking, but I just shoved my answer into the space between us. “Well I usually go to the garage at the bar, but there is one other place. Why?”

“No reason, I just noticed you’ve been out late almost every night and I know practice isn’t the reason for every one of them.” I watched as he tried to maintain a straight face, but could tell that he was… worried? Nervous? I don’t know what it is, but something else is behind them. “Can we go there? I don’t want to go back yet.”

“Sure,” his mouth morphed into a childish smile and I couldn’t help but form one of my own, “and I’m not messing with anyone else, if that is what else is on your mind. I just have a social battery that needs to be recharged aside from sleep.”

Gon hummed in response, neither of us seemingly wanting to acknowledge the tense feeling that sentence relieved.

Silence hung between us, but it didn’t feel uncomfortable. Instead it was filled with hand squeezes, shoulder bumps, quiet chuckles, and thumbs running across knuckles. The touches easily sent me into a euphoric state and I couldn’t stop the amorous smile from dripping onto my face.

My feet fell lightly against the pavement as I dragged him in another direction, further into the city. Walking passed grumpy people, bright lights, and honking horns had never felt exciting before now. Gon and I went on somewhere between speed walking and a light jog, giggling like a couple brats the whole way.

As we crossed the street, we almost got pummeled by a car and the driver immediately screeched to a stop and started to scream his head off at us.

I stuck my middle finger in the air and continued to go on my merry way with a wide smile on my face. “Fuck off!”

“I’m sorry sir.” Despite my yelling response, Gon pat the hood of the car with an apology before we both continued to the run off, laughing the whole way.

“We could’ve just fucking died!” We slowly came down from our jog and halted as we scaled the side of a large building.

“That was so- holy crap!” Gon let out a few wheezes before cutting himself off and putting his hand on my shoulder, leaning his head on it.

After a minute or two, we managed to come down from the adrenaline rush and with a few more steps we were at our destination - outside of the bar. “Here.”

“I thought we were going somewhere else…” his voice trailed off in confusion as I gave him a soft smile.

“I spend most of my time inside the garage to let loose, but when I want to be alone, I go on the roof. No one ever goes up there. I don’t even think the guys know about it.” A little bit further down from the side door, there’s a ladder that leads to the top. “I’ll be right back.”

I quickly dashed inside to grab my guitar, got two beers from Jason, stuffed the bottles in my jacket pockets, and came back out in no time. As soon as Gon saw me, I watched his smile turn up as the lights illuminating behind him in the distance caused him to glow. He’s so… he’s something I can’t describe.

“Alright… if you plan on murdering me, at least make it clean. I don’t wanna be sent off to the morgue all sticky.” Gon dramatically flew the back of his hand to his forehead and mocked a sob despite the smile on his face. I simply chuckled while gazing at him with warmth in my eyes.

“How’d you know my secret evil plan?” I faked a dark chuckle and put on a mischievous smile. “I guess I can take your request into consideration. I know how to literally rip someone’s heart out in one motion, so sit still and it’ll practically be painless.”

“You’re joking right?” Gon chuckled easily but then abruptly stopped when I didn’t say anything. “Oh… you can actually do that…?”

I let a nervous chuckle slip and my hand found the back of my neck. “Anyways… moving on.”

Gon shook his head and I watched as he found himself giggling again. “The more I find out about you, the more interested I get.”

“Shut up… idiot.” My face easily grew hot at his implication but ignored it so I didn’t get my hopes up. _He means in a friend way… don’t be dumb._ I motioned for him to follow me further down the alley - very sketch, I know - and brought him to the dingy looking ladder leading up. “Alright, I know what you're thinking, but it’s safe I promise. It’s sturdy though it doesn’t look it. Just don’t be dumb and slip.”

“Yeah yeah whatever Killua. I don’t need instructions on how to climb a ladder.” He rolled his eyes playfully before glancing at me to see I’m not heading up yet. “Oh, I’m going first?”

“Yep, can’t have you falling to your death. If you miss a step or something I’ll stabilize you, if not then I’ll happily die with you.”

“Awww, what a gentleman. I knew you had it somewhere in you, chivalry isn’t dead.” He stated with crossed arms and his head tilted up high as I smirked.

“I lied. I really just want the great view of your ass I’ll have going up.” Not entirely a lie, but it’s not the main reason he’s going first. He simply scoffed and pouted as a blush formed on his cheeks. “Don’t waste your time pouting, just get up there.”

Within no time, we made our way all the way up - not without a couple slip ups (Gon misstepping and kicking my face) - and instantly took the view in. It wasn’t extremely high up, but it was enough to take in the city lights all the way down to the city center. York New was full of tourist spots and places to see and having a large chunk of it all in one view was always breathtaking.

“Wow… it’s so different from up here.” From ground level, you get all the traffic, people, and other sorts of commotion blaring in your ear, but here it’s all background noise. It’s not muted, but it isn’t prominent either. You can actually hear yourself talk from here and no one on the ground can actually hear you.

I closed my eyes and took in the breeze and surrounding noises, finding peace in the gaze piercing at the side of my head. Gon shuffled from besides me and came closer to latch his arms around my waist. I tensed but sunk into the embrace and slouched my head back onto his shoulder. Opening my eyes, the stars were now more visible as they weren’t so diluted from the billboards and street lights. Nothing beat this place in my eyes.

Turning my head, I came face to face with Gon, and though initially startled, I found myself smiling and giving him a chaste peck on the cheek. Today’s been so calming.

“What’re you thinking about?” Gon mumbled from beside my ear in a hushed voice, lightly tickling me with his breath.

“Nothing and I love it.” I stated at an equally quiet volume. We shuffled apart and I walked over by the edge before taking my guitar strap from around my shoulder, plopping down, and leaning into the low cement ledge. Gon followed after me and took a seat adjacent to me on the right.

I gave a deep breath into the open air and nabbed my guitar from out of its case before yanking out the beers from my pockets and putting them down between us. We both sat in silence as I strummed my fingers across the strings. The calming sound had us both relaxed and I stared up at the stars above us - the words coming naturally.

_“I've seen better days_  
_Sometimes life's hard to take_  
_It gets hard to face it all alone_  
_You looked into my eyes_  
_Your face I memorized_  
_Didn't say a word but you felt like home”_

I heard Gon mumble something about it being a love song to himself from beside me and I couldn’t help but smile at his childish curiosity.

_“Fill my head up with dreams and melodies_  
_Think I'm needing you more than you need me_  
_Please don't let me go, don’t leave me alone_  
_Think I'm needing you, but I don't wanna know”_

I shifted my gaze to the boy beside me and he looked at me with equal tranquility as my voice rang through the air. He is my definition of happy and I don’t want to let that go no matter how much I should.

_“If the sky's about to fall or if we lose it all_  
_If we make it or we don't, I don't wanna know_  
_If the music starts to fade and this feeling slips away_  
_Don't wake me when you go, 'cause I don't wanna know”_

The stars shined brighter than ever while I stared up at the sky with thoughts of Gon racing through my mind. I felt him move to sit closer to me and he rested his head on my shoulder. Plopping my head to lean on his, I let out a sigh of content as my senses filled with his own. I shifted to put my face into his hair and calmly inhaled taking him all in before kissing the top of his head and nestling back in with my cheek.

“Why’d you go into music?” Gon’s question peeped through the air gracefully and I closed my eyes taking everything in.

I hummed before responding and reminisced about the time I spent in the mansion stuck on the piano - those were some of the good moments in that hellhole. “It’s always been an easy distraction from everything and it helped keep my emotions in check since I had to suppress a lot of shit… I started playing the piano when I was little and from there I’ve always loved music.”

“Do you still play the piano?” I looked over at him as he seemed eager to continue opening me up, but didn’t want to make me uncomfortable with heavy shit.

I chuckled at his expression and settled for an easy smile. “As much as I can, yeah. I often go to music building to play some of the songs I write in my personal journal if not here. A lot of them started out as piano ballads before I converted the notes to be easier to play on the guitar. You can… come with me sometime, if you like?”

“I’d love to.” Though I stated the question awkwardly, he gave me a wide smile with happy eyes.

The rest of the night was filled with easy smiles, semi-deep conversations, and a relaxed atmosphere. For the first time in a long time, I didn’t worry about what would happen tomorrow, financial matters, upcoming shows, Zushi, winter break, or anything else my mind could conjure a thought of. Having Gon and the sound of his voice was enough to cause every nerve in my body to settle at ease.

The exact moment isn’t clear to me, but sometime in the night I found myself coming to a star struck realization. I looked at Gon as he was enthusiastically talking about his Aunt and how he wanted me to meet her. I found my eyes easing into the soft melody my heart was leaking out and watched him completely mesmerized.

I’ve always known Gon was handsome, beautiful, and something else entirely since the moment I met him, but he looks different right now. Even in the darkness of the evening, he seemed to shine both inside and out and I couldn't look away from the comfortable eye contact.

When did a simple, plain set of beautiful brown eyes that I look at every day, suddenly start to hold every constellation in the sky?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!
> 
> I hope you all enjoy this new chapter! I want to add a lot more fluff to this story considering I have a lot of, *ahem* events, planned for the future chapters plot wise. Next update will be a nice smut chapter, so I hope you come prepared next weekend! It has also dawned on me that every smut chapter I write is always the whole entire chapter since it's so long, and no matter how much I try to shorten it, it just doesn't work. For some, this might be annoying if you don't like smut, but I did put it under the crappy summary I wrote soooo yeah. 
> 
> Anyways, thank you for all the support I've been receiving! It makes me so happy to read comments and see people voice their opinions on what I write, so if you have any questions, comments, or concerns don't be scared to speak up! I hope you all have had a wonderful day!
> 
> Tootles! <3


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *nsfw (whole chapter)*

A sigh of displeasure left my lips as the sun peered through my window harshly, directly in my eyes. I raised a hand to rub at them but halted when I noticed a big lump of Gon on top of me and smiled. With my other hand I curiously poked at his bottom lip and lightly chuckled as it bounced back with a prominent plopping sound.

The rays caused all his features to be basked in light and I couldn’t bring myself to shift my eyes away. He looked so ethereal like this. His head rested perfectly on my chest and I easily found security in the way he was holding me down.

He slightly shifted on me before bringing a hand up to rub his eyes with a yawn, and then went to stretch and arch his back in the process. “Good morning.”

Before I knew it, Gon crawled up to straddle my hips and leaned down to pepper everywhere between my forehead and collarbone in chaste, lazy kisses. Though unexpected, I welcomed the action and let out a tired chuckle. “Good morning to you, too. What’s the special occasion?”

Lifting himself up to look down at me, he gave me a wide smile and then smoothed his hands over my chest. “If I’m being honest, I woke up kinda in the mood...”

“Ahhh… and here I thought you were just being nice to little ol’ me.” He brought his hand up to reach the back of his neck and gazed off to the side while I laughed from under him. I brought myself up and wrapped my arms around him to ease him down on his back while I remained hovering over. A surprised gasp and giggle left his lips as I dove into his neck and placed my own light kisses on the surface of his skin, finding myself smiling at the sound of his laughter.

“So what was your plan on how this’ll go down on this fine morning. I’m curious.” I mumbled the words into his skin and edged my way into open mouth kisses going down his neck.

“W-Well I thought I could just do it…” I raised up from above him and looked him in the eye with uncertainty.

“We talked about this, I’m not subbing out ever again - unless it’s a life or death situation or I just want you in control that fucking badly.” I deadpanned at him before he abruptly went into a fit of giggles.

“When would there ever be a life or death situation where you needed to have sex?”

“I don’t know, but who doesn’t like a good ‘fuck or die’ sort of thing?”

“Maybe if we lived in another universe…”

“Yeah I’m good right here - not subbing out for shit.”

“Are you calling me shit?”

“If I said I’m not subbing for shit, then that means you ain’t shit.”

“I feel like I should take offense, but I don’t know why.”

“Good, I’ll be a nice little puzzle you can’t solve. Keep you on your toes.”

“That’s not fair. What if I wanna be on my head?”

“What if you gave me head?”

“Well I mean sure, even though that’s not what I meant.”

“Hell yeah, you give the best head.”

When the light conversation and moments of laughter died down, he suddenly grew shy with a light blush gracing his cheeks. “No, but I meant like I want to uhhhh… make you feel good and focus on you.”

“Why would you wanna do that?” I quirked an eyebrow at the statement, feeling my own blush form.

Gon reached up between us and cupped my face between his hands before rubbing his thumbs along my cheekbones. “You’re always taking care of me and not really focusing on what you want, so how about you tell me what you like…?”

“W-Well…” I stared at him blankly, not really knowing what to say at first, “I mean, if you really want to.”

“Okay good.” After the words left his mouth, he brought himself to sit up and then slowly maneuvered me to sit back against the headboard. “I like being able to see your face when we do stuff.”

A light blush dusted my cheeks as he trailed his fingers along the waistband of my sweatpants - the action causing more of a reaction than I expected. “Wow, you got hard just from that?”

“S-Shut the hell up…” I brought my arm up to cover my face out of anxiousness. “You could literally just breathe and I’d be turned on.”

“Oh I’ve noticed, you’re not very good at hiding it.” He slowly tugged down my sweatpants, threw them somewhere in the room, and crawled up to sit in my lap, enticing a shaky breath to fall past my lips.

“What do you mean by that?” He trailed his fingers along my jaw and then pushed his lips onto mine deeply. I couldn’t help the moan that I pushed into his mouth as he trailed his tongue along my bottom lip, the warm muscle coating it in saliva.

Immediately allowing access, I opened my mouth wider and we fell into a gentle, slow make out session that had me swooning for the boy even harder. _This is too much. I’ve gotta dial it back, but he’s being so… fuck._

I’ve never felt so… _wanted_ with just a single motion.

Despite the position, I managed to stay in control and remain more dominant between our mouths - it feels like we’re trying to devour each other, but softly. I kept one of my arms around his waist and brought the other up to grab at his hair and tug him closer.

Gon pushed against my chest lightly and a heavy blush grew on my face when I saw the red, lust filled expression painted on his face and his own lips growing pink and swollen. He rolled his hips and our erections rubbed up against each other, drawing out a moan from both of us. “Sometimes, you give me this look, I can’t really explain it, but it immediately makes me wanna just… take in every part of you.”

I let my head sink back against the headboard as his words were stuck on repeat in my head. The only other thing I could focus on is his gentle touches and the friction between our hips. “Fuck… Gon. You feel so good. Just like that baby.”

Putting my hands on his hips, I gripped them firmly and helped the motions run smoothly. He wrapped his arms around my neck and let out a mix of whimpers and moans into my skin as he placed love bites down my neck. Usually we avoid anything above the nape since it isn’t easily covered, but I couldn’t bring myself to care about that right about now. I want him to mark me up - make me his as much as I want him to be mine.

_Mine_.

The thought produced a growl to rumble deep in my throat before I picked my head up to form hickies along his shoulder and collarbone. His own lips parted to let a muffled moan and I used the opportunity to get access to his neck. As I trailed my lips along his skin, I found the control over my instincts slowly starting to slip out of hand; the worst part of it being I couldn’t care less.

_He’s mine._

Every moan encouraged me to go further to abuse the spot and down his nape. He’s so sensitive that it'd be laughable if we weren’t currently in this heated position.

“I want to mark you up… everywhere…” I grabbed him by the jaw and gently moved his head so I could have access to the other side of his neck, “you’re mine.”

“Do it.” He steadied himself by my shoulders but still felt like putty in my hands as he let out whimpers against my chest. “Killu… I’m yours… all yours.”

I pushed him back to hit the mattress and started to trail my way down his neck and to his chest. With every press of the lips and bite at his skin, he’d lightly tighten his grip on my hair and fill the room with encouraging words to continue. When I got down to the waistband of his gym shorts and boxers, I didn’t waste time and pulled them off to throw them somewhere behind me. Gon let out a small squeak before I went to bite at his hips and down to his thighs.

A smirk formed on my lips and I chuckled darkly with the thought of sucking my initials into his skin - it’d be quite the sight, a nice kinky one at that. I want to both cherish and ruin him at the same time. I want to watch him get all fucked out for me, but we’ll save that for another time. He wanted to pleasure me afterall.

Spreading his legs further apart, I trailed my tongue along the base of his dick before bringing my fingers up to his mouth and a strained moan escaped his mouth. “Hey baby? I’ll let you do whatever you want after I stretch you, okay? For now, suck and make it really wet.”

“O-Okay.” He looked at me a bit stunned before lightly nodding his head, licking his lips, and easing the tip of my fingers passed them. My bottom lip found its way between the grip of my teeth, lightly tugging on it, before I lowered my head down and took him into my mouth.

The sensation of having his tongue swirl around my fingers had my mind going fuzzy. I peered up to see him with his eyes clouding over and his mouth hung open with a moan escaping while he watched me. I made my own tongue press into his dick and stroked it with a light amount of pressure that forced more sounds to drip out of his mouth. He allowed his jaw to slack open while working his tongue between the grip of my fingers before I pulled them away.

“Killua~... I want more. I want more of you… give me more.” The words spilled out of his mouth in a hushed voice as if he was talking to himself and I found myself softening my gaze as I looked up at him.

Before I continued anything, I brought myself up to place a deep kiss onto his lips. Gon wrapped his arms up around the back of my neck and tugged me closer, preventing me from parting. With no warning, I slipped two of my slicked up fingers into his hole with ease and opened my eyes to see his own blown wide at the sudden intrusion. He instantly relaxed as I pumped them in and out of him mid-kiss and he let out moans into my mouth, sending vibrations throughout my body. I watched him completely starstruck after he pulled away subtly and grinded himself onto my fingers with his arms still wrapped around me.

_He looks so beautiful like this…_

Feeding into the thought, I shoved the other finger in and spread him apart while also in search of his prostate. When I found it, I made sure to generously play with it while pulling away for a better angle in the process. After a few more thrusts, he was growing teary eyed and moans were spilling out of him like a waterfall.

“Killua… no, come… come back.” I paused my motions and looked at him as he reached out between us to pull me toward him.

“You okay?” I moved closer to him and he immediately latched onto me so we were flushed against each other.

“I’m fine, I just like being close when we do this stuff.” He took mini pauses between his words and I found myself frozen while staring into his eyes. _He likes it when I’m… close?_

I found the heart beating in my chest quickening as I snapped out of it and continued to spread him open while giving his neck light kisses in the process. _Of course he likes it when we’re close. We’re about to fuck, dumbass. Stop looking into it._

My breath felt hot as the closeness brought it to my face and the room seemed to heat up. Breathing him in one last time, I pulled away and sat back on my heels, giving him a onceover, before getting up to take my boxers off. Still standing, I watched as Gon was coming down from breathing heavily and planted a kiss on his forehead.

“You always do so well for me.” I couldn't stop the fond smile from forming as I shifted my fingers through his hair. He gave me a shaky smile while returning the gaze - instantly making my chest feel warm. “How do you want me baby?”

He gave me a cocky smirk before grabbing my arm and positioning me to sit with my back against the headboard again. I stayed a little stunned at his assertiveness, but quickly came out of it when I felt him drag his hand down the shaft of my dick. I instantly sucked in a breath from the abrupt feeling, but quickly eased into it when Gon leaned toward me and my body easily started to warm up. He straddled my hips and gained a rhythm with his hand before resting his chin on my shoulder. After a few pumps, pre-cum started to spill out of me and he made sure to smooth his finger over the tip to coat my dick.

“Fuuuck~... Gon, you always feel so good.” My head hit the surface with a soft thud and my eyebrows scrunched together from the sparks running through my body.

He instantly hummed next to my ear, sending tingles down my spine, and gave my neck light, teasing kisses. “Killua, I love seeing you so undone like this. You’re always so good to me and I just want to please you as much as you please me.”

I closed my eyes before they could cross while open and let a moan pass through my lips. I love it when he says shit like that - it instantly sets everything in my chest on fire and runs my arousal throughout my whole body. All I want is Gon, all I want to feel is Gon, and the only person I want to please is Gon. As long as I’m good enough for Gon, I feel like I can do anything, so when he says those praises in these vulnerable moments, I almost forget who I was up until now.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Baby wait! C-cum-” Before I know it, cum is stringing out between our chests as a rushing heat flows through my system and forces a moan through my throat. My sight blurred at the edges and my face grew warmer than it already was due to the fact that I knew his eyes were clinging onto every movement from my body. I couldn’t stop myself from grabbing him by the throat, tugging him closer, and shoving my tongue into his mouth - instantly gathering a moan in response.

Our tongues coated each other generously and as we slowly pulled away, a string hanging between us and connecting our mouths to each other. The look in his eyes sent me over the edge as they grew soft and I fell into some sort of daze just looking at him.

Without breaking eye contact, Gon sunk down and scooted off of me until his mouth was level with my dick. He briefly broke it to kiss the tip and then looked back up at me with a gaze that screamed innocence - and that turned me on even more. Without warning, I bucked my hips and groaned as my tip hit the back of his throat, causing him to gag. Tears instantly pricked his eyes, but they held no level of irritation and I took that as a good sign - for me at least.

I got up on my knees and pushed him to lay back on his elbows and then straddled his chest - my dick in his face. He went cross eyed before processing the new position and looking up at me with a smile. Grabbing him by the hair semi harshly, I leaned down to come right to his ear and gave his lobe a light tug with my teeth. “We’re gonna do this blowjob a little differently. Okay, baby?”

Gon looked at me slightly uncertain when I pulled back from him and I managed to soften my gaze and give him an encouraging smile. “I’m going to be a little rough with you, so since your mouth will be a little preoccupied, just tap on my leg three times and I’ll stop. Is that okay?”

“Y-Yeah, I trust you.” He looked at me with a newfound determination and I found myself growing more aware of the swelling in my chest again.

Leaning my forehead against his, I brought my hands to cup his face before giving him a peck on the nose and a teasing smile. “Good, ‘cause I like watching you use your mouth for something other than being an asshole to me.”

“Oh shut up Killua! If either of us is an asshole than it’s you; I’m a ray of freakin’ sunshine.” Gon huffed and pouted as he crossed his arms from under me and turned his face to the side, hiding a small smile.

I simply chuckled at the banter and grabbed his jaw with one of my hands to make him face me. Allowing my gaze to settle on his features, I ran my thumb across his bottom lip and let my eyes remain there - fully aware of what my face was saying. “You… are a ray of sunshine.”

Deciding against my better judgement, I took in the feeling and nurtured it - _letting my feelings slip out a little bit should be fine as long as it’s in bed, right? He’ll never know. I’ll make sure of it. If I don’t let it out a little, then I’ll explode, and ultimately that’s worse. Right?_

“You know what... ?” I pulled away from him and took my position sitting back and leaning against the headboard before pulling him close to sit on my lap again. Hiking him up a bit, I spread his legs apart a bit more and lathered my fingers with my own saliva before gathering some of the pre-existing cum and easing my fingers back inside of him. “Let’s just both pleasure each other for right now. I’ll do that another time.”

“O-Okay…?” Goon looked at me a little rattled; whether from the intrusion or the mood change, I don't know, but I knew my stupid heart was eating it up nonetheless.

I lathered up his hole nicely and used the remaining substances to coat my dick before hooking my arms around his waist and helping him slowly ease onto me. He steadied himself on my shoulders and a light blush formed on his face as he let out a deep moan and sunk his head back slightly. I squeezed my eyes shut, pushed my face into his chest, and willed myself not to move while taking a deep breath, mumbling whatever words instinctually came out. “Baby… I love you wrapped around me like this… so tight… fuck.”

Gon slightly stiffened in my arms, but the tenseness left as soon as it came and he breathed heavily into my hair. He relaxed into me and wrapped his hands around the back of my neck before I pulled back and looked at him deep and intensely. Tears were gathering in the corners of his fond eyes, blush adorned his cheeks, and his mouth was hung slightly agape out of breathlessness. “Killua… I love when you’re inside me… so full… really deep.”

_Fucking hell…_

“You’re so good for me Gon… fuck.” Gon eased into a light bounce causing me to mildly go insane at the feeling. Multiple mumbles of praise and a mix of moans fell out of my mouth with every lift of the hips. “Always so good baby… god keep going.”

“Killua… more, more, I want more. Come here… please… need you.” The words instantly set a fire aflame in my stomach and I leaned in closer, taking his lips in mine.

We were as close as physically possible and I wanted nothing more than to go even further. I pressed into him and gripped both of his hips between my hands to help him meet rhythmed thrusts. My grip tightened enough to probably form bruises later when he started to claw at my back. Tears were paired with the harsh lines as we made a mess out of each other. His hands made their way to my hair and he gripped tightly before a whine fell out of my own mouth and into his. He lightly pulled my head back to separate us, creating as little distance as possible, and placed both of his hands on each side of my face in a soothing manner before diving in to kiss me again.

I couldn’t take it anymore - I just gotta have him.

My hands forced him down by the waist and I pushed his back against the mattress to hover over him. Our mouths were still connected as I snapped my hips into him over and over, provoking whines and whimpers to spill into my mouth. I took in every vibration greedily with a more prominent desire to have more of him. His legs shook from around my hips as I pinned one of his hands between the bed and my own while his other dragged lines into my back.

Diving back into his neck, I bit and harshly sucked on his skin with haste, feeling tears prick my eyes from the pressure. “Fuck Gon… I want you, fuck I want you so badly… mine, you’re mine.”

“Killua, I’m gonna… I’m gonna c-cum!” I made sure to quicken my pace while digging into his hips as deep as possible. The mix of whimpers and louder moans I got in response had all of my senses going wild. “Fuck! Right there! Keep going… so good… I’m yours, I’m yours… Killua - always so good.”

The white, sticky cum splurged out between us while I quickened my thrusts and pumped out my own release. His legs tightened around me as I slammed my hips against him in a final thrust and he cried out from the hypersensitivity.

Our hot and heavy breaths mixed together as we came down from the erotic high of sorts and neither of us made an effort to move apart. I was still deep inside of him when I shifted after a couple minutes, but the legs around my waist stopped me. Gon gently pulled me back down with my face in his chest and slowly started to caress my hair. “P-Please just… stay inside for a minute.”

“Okay…” I hummed in agreement while his inner walls were pulsing around me and I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. “Fuck… that was really good.”

“Yeah… it felt different… in a good way.” The words dropped out breathlessly and all I could do was press a few light kisses to his chest in response - not wanting to acknowledge what the words could possibly imply.

I gently smiled with a heartfelt chuckle as I smooshed my cheek against his chest and looked up at him. “Someone just had to turn me on first thing in the morning… so needy…”

“Oh, don’t even go there.” Gon slugged an arm over his forehead in mock offense with a wide, tired grin. “You’re the one who usually initiates it. I’m allowed to at least once.”

“I’d say it’s a nice fifty-fifty.” I smiled before leaning forward to press a chaste kiss to his jaw. He looked up at me fondly and the smile on his face caused me to plant another one on his lips. “You think?”

“Hmmm… maybe.” He sighed softly before bringing his hands to my face and gently pulling me closer to meet his lips. The kiss was gentle and deep, yet had my head spinning in a whole other kind of way.

He gently pushed me up to remain hovering over him again. “You wanna shower… together?”

Not expecting the question, I looked at him a bit surprised, but I immediately grew excited at the chance to shower with him again. I held in my excitement, but allowed a small smile to grace my features. “Y-Yeah, sure.”

I slowly disconnected from him, stood up, and then reached down to pick him up bridal style. He let out a mini squeak of surprise and I openly laughed as I made our way to the bathroom.

Not the first mistake I’ve made with him… and definitely not the last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My apologies for the delay in updating - yesterday was a little busy for me. I make up for it with a smut scene (though I'm not really sure how I feel about it), enjoy! :)  
> I hope you all have a wonderful day! Tootles! <3


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